Grief vs Stress

Possibly the most unhelpful advice ever given to an infertile woman is 'try to relax'. This is also often followed by 'don't stress about it'. Another winner is 'it'll happen when you stop trying'. That last one is true for some (mythical couples, I suspect), but definitely not for most.


First, some amount of stress is inevitable: my body is not doing what it is supposed to for a reason no one can figure out. That is stressful. But also, even more so, having kids is a dream that does not die easily. If you are willing to go through IVF and its related procedures, that means that you don't just have a passing desire for children, you WANT CHILDREN. If you didn't want it, badly, you would not put yourself and your partner through all it entails, physically, emotionally, monetarily. So in this context, each repeated negative result multiplies inside you. Each one brings you closer to 'maybe this won't work. THEN what?' OF COURSE this is stressful. There is no way to avoid it.

However, all of that said, stress is not the feeling I identify the most during any/all of the road we've been down so far.

I would say, that besides hope (which is a tricky beast that I'll write about more later), my most prevalent feeling is one of grief. With every negative, especially after knowing that a living, 5 day-old, apparently healthy embryo WAS there, but didn't 'stick' and grow, I grieve. I've never had an official miscarriage, and I'm careful not to think of myself as 'pregnant' after a transfer, but the pain of loss is there none-the-less.

We did the 4th transfer after a month off. During the month off, Jake and I talked a lot about when we would quit. We talked about what life would be like if we didn't have kids (basically: we're going to do fun stuff with all of your kids, spoil them, and then return them to you high on sugar and overtired from riding roller coasters all day. You're welcome). I told him that I was ok with not having kids and that after we had tried with all the embryos and had none left in the freezer, that would be it. I felt like I was in a really good place, mentally, for that 4th transfer. I honestly believed that if the result was negative, I'd be fine. During the 2 week wait to get the results back, I had LOTS of moments where I forgot about it. We cut and installed our chalkboard tiles in the basement. We went out and had fun. It wasn't on my mind constantly, and when I did think about it, I felt calm and relaxed. Zen, if you will.

I don't take urine pregnancy tests (some women take them daily after a transfer - that sounds like torture to me); I wait for the blood test, which they make you take regardless of what a urine test says or even if you get your period early (that happened once - worst). On the day of the test I was relaxed, but had a suspicion that it was going to be negative because everything felt like every other time.

When the nurse told me over the phone that the test was negative, a huge wave of grief and despair crashed over me. It felt like it came out of nowhere. I wasn't expecting it, and I literally sobbed on the phone. I had to catch my breath like kids do when they cry so hard they can't breathe. It was like someone punched me in the gut. I don't know that Jake and I have ever had a harder week and a half than we did after that day. I was broken. Totally a mess. A few days later, Jake was in the same spot. We grieved: for our loss, for each other, for our dream.

When I talk about this with Jake, he reminds me we aren't done yet. We haven't decided, fully, when we will 'stop'. What is abundantly clear is we can't do much more of this. The lows are too low. However, finding the balance and space to let go of the dream/expectation that we'd have kids is proving to be a hard thing to find. I don't doubt we will find it, no matter what happens; it just may be a longer and rockier road than we thought it would be.

So, if you know someone going through infertility, don't tell them to relax. Recognize that they are grieving (probably) in their more private moments and they are doing what they need to.