Going public

I've been watching Gilmore Girls a lot lately. It's something that I find happens when I'm feeling a kind of low-grade sadness (plus, netflix on my new phone and limitless data make it too easy). There's something about the rhythm of the dialogue that is comforting; also I've watched them so many times it requires about 15% of my attention - just enough to keep hard thoughts away while I'm occupied doing other things.

I haven't written much about infertility for a few reasons.

First, it took a long time for me to realize that word applied to me. But it definitely does.

Second, it's hard to put this stuff out there. The truth is, despite this post being 'public', I don't want to talk about it with everyone. I have a few people who I talk to regularly, and they know who they are, but other than that, I don't want it to be something people ask me about. 'Hey, how's that infertility shit (and it is shit) going?' ewww....no thank you.

Third, until recently, talking about not being able to have a baby was really sort of talking about having sex. Who wants to write/read about that? Especially if you know the people? Now, however, it could not be less about sex. It is all very clinical and sterile and downright....medical. Not 'personal' in that way.

Fourth, I thought it would be something I'd write more about after. After what, you're wondering? After it was over. After I was pregnant. After we had a kid somehow. After we had stopped trying and accepted that we wouldn't have kids. But here we are, in the thick of it, and I feel ready to write. Well, mostly ready. This may not get published.

I have more to say, and it will come out somehow, some way, but I don't think in this post. There's too much.

So for now I'll just do two lists:

What I Don't Need/Want:
- to talk about it. As stated above, please let me start the conversation. If I don't start it, I don't want to talk about it.
- ideas to try. Trust me when I say, we've been going through this for over 3 years. I have read the internet. I have read newspaper articles. I have doctors. I have tried stuff you haven't even heard of.
- success stories of your friend's cousin's aunt. This probably sounds strange (this list is sounding Scroogy to me, too), but hear me out. The infertility/fertility world online is full of success stories - 'We tried for 10 years and now we have our darling! Keep going! It'll work!' - I used to find them helpful, but I don't any more. Here's the things: 1. I have worked with enough people from hugely disadvantaged situations to know that we don't all get happy endings, and therefore I may not get a baby (although my life will still be happy....eventually). 2. I am not willing to be on this roller coaster for that long. 3. They create a situation where we (the infertile) are compelled to always try more, even at risk of damaging ourselves, our relationships, and our bank accounts beyond repair.
- Pity. This is a tricky one, because people often think that they are being sympathetic or empathetic. Unless you have been through this particular hurt, it's easy for things you say to be perceived as pity. Especially if you are pregnant or have a new baby. I find that very hard to take.

What I DO Need/Want:
- you to know. Otherwise I wouldn't have published this. Just keep it in the back of your mind, so when I don't go to the baby shower, or am not over-the-moon about the latest pregnancy (we're on round 2, you know. 2 of my close friends have had 2 babies in the time I've been trying to have 1, and a third just told me about her second pregnancy), or avoid talking about infants or pregnancy, this is why.
- prayers, positive vibes, thoughts, well wishes, silent support. Please. Heapings of it. Send it here. Pray for peace for Jake and I as we wade through this hellish mess.
- Understanding. I am on this ridiculous simultaneous path of grief and hope and it is maddening. It also takes up a lot of energy. It zaps me of the ability to be around pregnant or nursing friends. My silence, if you've had a baby in the past 3 years (and there are a lot of you), is my protection. Being absent for my friends' milestones is one of my deep sadnesses, but I can't do it any other way. No matter how my story turns out, the road will get harder before it gets easier, so I have a ways to go.
- personal stories of infertility. I know no one in my boat: three years including major interventions, and not a single positive test. If you have walked down this infertility road in some way, I would love to hear from you (note: during the past three years I have heard from more than one person 'It took 8 months to get pregnant! It was awful!' That's not infertility. That's normal).

When I logged on to write this, the title of the blog caught my eye. I (obviously) haven't been writing much in the past 2 years, so it had been a while since I'd seen it. Today it felt very appropriate. How much CAN we take on and remain sane? We're testing our limits, I'll tell you that. At this moment, infertility seems like a much more crazy-making endeavor than renovating an entire floor of our house with a wedding as a deadline was. That is saying something. A HUGE something. But, we survived that and we'll survive this. As I tell my students all the time, 'You won't always feel like this'. I know that's true, but it's hard to imagine.

More to come, maybe.