A Sibling for Rudi?

There's no delicate way to start this, so I'm just going to jump right in.

We are looking for someone who is interested in being a gestational carrier to help us add one more baby to complete our family. Yes, that's right - I'm writing a blog post and putting it out into the world in the hopes that someone will email me or message me saying they would be excited and happy to get pregnant with our baby. Long shot? Absolutely. But this is the thing about infertility: Long shots are all we have.

Watching Rudi grow and learn and develop has been the greatest joy of our lives these past 9 months. There are no words to describe just how fun it is when he tries something new or smiles and leans in for a hug. Parenthood so far hasn't been without its challenges, but for the most part it's been a gratifying and joyful experience. For me in particular, it has filled an aching hole and made me feel wholly myself again. I unabashedly love it.

Before we knew that infertility was going to very nearly rob us of our dream to be parents I always thought that we'd have more than one kid. I can't imagine my life without my siblings and there is something so great about having a built in playmate in your house.

Infertility has pushed us into a new world where we have nothing to lose by putting ourselves out there, so we are doing so boldly and without shame. A sibling will not spontaneously appear and believe me that if I thought I could get pregnant, we'd try that again before asking the world to send us another amazing, selfless, kind, and generous woman to carry a baby for us.

Here is the incredible thing about being a gestational carrier: you have the ability to give a gift that few can. You can help create a family for people who can't do it on their own. Every day with Rudi is another day that we are so thankful for Tara and her family that it hurts. I squeeze his little body and can't imagine life without him, or without the woman who grew him. We would be just as in awe of and thankful for someone to grow a sibling for him.


I don't want this post to make anyone feel guilty or bad for not wanting to be gestational carrier. It is hard, as someone in my position, not to see every fertile woman as a walking oven for our bun. However, going on the gestational carrier journey with Tara and her family made it crystal clear to me that there is no way to make it work if the gestational carrier isn't PUMPED about the potential she has to make a massive difference for our family. In Canada Intended Parents aren't allowed to pay gestational carriers but even if we could, there is truly no amount of money that could compensate Tara for what she gave us. Or maybe there is, but we wouldn't be able to afford it.

It's very probable that the majority of the people who read this will think 'Who would do that? Be pregnant and give birth for another family!? Are they crazy???'. Thankfully for us and families in our position, there are women who either love being pregnant or love the feeling of giving the gift of family to other people or both. In fact, one of the women who donated breast milk to Rudi was a gestational carrier 4 times because she loved it so much. You better believe that I asked her if she'd be willing to be a gestational carrier for our family. She said she was honoured by the request but her dr has advised her to stop carrying babies for fear of uterine rupture, which is a very good reason. Her words to me about being a gestational carrier were 'There is no greater feeling'.

I like having lots of information to make decisions so here is a bare bones start so if this post miraculously strikes a chord with someone somewhere and piques her interest, she can start here.

1. While we can't legally pay a woman to grow our baby we are obligated (and want to) pay for things like maternity clothes, respite childcare if she needs, house cleaning, loss of income due to pregnancy related issues, medication, supplements, transportation, lawyer fees etc.

2. Our number one priority during a pregnancy is making sure the Gestational carrier feels supported and has what she needs to continue her life while growing our little miracle.

3. The relationship between the Gestational Carrier (and her partner) and Intended Parents is outlined by a legal agreement which formalizes the relationship and ensures that all parties know the expectations and responsibilities.

4. We have embryos in storage from our last round of IVF

5. She doesn't have to live in Winnipeg or Manitoba, but travel here (at our expense) would be required for the transfer/legal hoop jumping.

6. The birth does not have to be in Winnipeg. It can be wherever she is, within Canada.

7. The clinic wants her to be 42 or younger.

8. She must be healthy. Some Intended Parents get a bit high and mighty about restrictions and requirements for the gestational carrier, but we just want her to treat our baby as she treated her own in terms of health. This is an extreme act of trust!

9. She doesn't have to be done having her own children, but it is better if she is.

10. She should have a 'proven uterus',  - carried at least one baby to term and delivered safely.

11. She is entitled to 17 weeks of Maternity Leave from EI and whatever top-up her work provides as those weeks go to whoever gave birth, regardless of whether they are parenting or not.

12. Being a gestational carrier is an extreme act of altruism. WANTING to help another family is why people do it. 

Again I will say: a gestational carrier has to WANT to give this gift. Being someone who can carry babies to term and doesn't want to be a gestational carrier is ok! The vast vast majority of women who can get pregnant are not gestational carriers. We have asked people other than Tara to carry a baby for us and they said no, and that is fine.

We recognize that the chances of having a second baby are very small. We are happy with and grateful for our family of three. But, as the sports people say, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. So we're taking all the shots we have, even if they are all low odds.

The one thing I will ask is to share this post. Share it on social media, with your work colleagues, wherever you feel comfortable sending it out into the world. The more people see it, the better chance we have of finding another woman willing to help us grow our family.

Thanks for reading, thanks for thinking about it, thanks for sharing.

love,

Elisabeth, Jake, and Rudi
elisabeth.marie@gmail.com