Here we all are
He's here!
I've written a dozen versions or partial versions of this post, including one that didn't save. <frowny face>. That doesn't count all the writing I've done in my head. I am struggling get all the feels into words and not just because I have this whole other being taking up time. I think it's just so much to say. So many moments I don't want to forget and that help inform and conclude the whole journey to Rudi's arrival.
I know: lists. That's easier than a narrative! In no particular order:
The name: Rudi Zen. Do you know how hard it is for two teachers to come up a name that hasn't been ruined with negative connotations? HARD. Rudi was the name of one of my great-uncles who I really liked. He was my Opa's youngest brother. I have always liked the name and the associations are all positive. I also like the idea of 'family names' that show up in an extended family. 'Zen' is the last three letters of Tara's (Rudi's gestational carrier) last name. We wanted to honor the sacrifices her family made for ours. It has turned out to be extra-appropriate because Rudi is a very chill baby so far (KNOCK ON WOOD!).
Standout moments from his birth:
- it's a long story but the short version is that Rudi flipped to breech at the last second, catching all 4 of us and the doctors by surprise. In the end, after a few tense hours of hearing options and thinking it through, Tara chose to have a c-section. This was a hard moment for all of us. I didn't want Tara to have all that recovery time and I knew that she didn't want a c-section at all. But Tara is a mighty-strong woman and once she made up her mind she handled it all beautifully.
- Despite Tara's no-nonsense attitude, this shift in plan from a fairly straightforward vaginal delivery, as Tara had with her two girls, to major surgery was a hard one. It was made all the harder by the long wait (Tara first went to the hospital at 11am on Thursday. Rudi was born at 11:43pm on Friday). We were all feeling a little raw and more than a little nervous about what was about to happen. Thankfully, so so thankfully, we had a secret weapon. Amanda and I worked at camp together in Alberta 18 years ago (!!!!). We share a love of Mennonite food, outdoor adventures, and canoeing. As fate would have it, she and her family ended up in Winnipeg, just 2 blocks away from us. Amanda also happens to be an obstetrician at the hospital where Rudi was born. She had said to me earlier that she'd love to be there to deliver Rudi, so when I called her (and woke her up) to say that it was going to be a C section, and then called her again 8 hours later and said 'it's happening', she got herself up out of bed, threw on the nearest clothes and came to the hospital. When she arrived, all 4 of us breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. In a situation like ours, with the added complication of the surrogacy arrangement, it felt a miracle to have a doctor there who knew us and the story about what was going on. She made sure Jake could wait in the hallway right outside the delivery room, she made sure that Jake and I got the baby bands that matched Rudi's, and she cried tears of joy with me about what was about to happen in our lives. She put Tara at ease and reassured her that everything would be fine. She stitched Tara up and I knew that the best possible job had been done. The doctor who was actually working that night would have done all of this as well, I'm sure, but having Amanda there took everyone's stress level down a ton of notches. Thanks, Amanda!
- I got to be in the room for Rudi's birth. Usually only one support adult is allowed, and obviously that would be J, Tara's husband. But thankfully, so thankfully, a nurse asked the anesthesiologist if he would allow a second support person and he said that would be fine! So I got to go in. Part of the reason T and I were both upset about a c-section was also because we both wouldn't get to witness the birth and handing off of Rudi the same way. However, that worked out too.
- I was in near-shock the whole time. The wait to get to the operating room was not short and the wait for a baby in general has been so long over all that even up to Tara lying on the table, surrounded by doctors, I don't think I fully believed my baby was being born. I cried the ENTIRE time, and so did Tara. It was very intense.
- C-sections are not a gentle process! I didn't see much (although I can watch the whole thing any time I want - J captured the entire process on video and in stills), but I did see the doctors just REEFING on Rudi and Tara, trying to get him out. They had a little trouble with his head; it was stuck under her ribs and he started trying to breathe before they had him fully out - little stinker. So when you're holding a newborn and thinking about how fragile they are, just know - they are not as delicate as you think. They literally FLIPPED Rudi over a few times to try and get his head unstuck. Also: I've never been more grateful for our medical system. There were about 10 medical professionals in the room to help my baby be born, for about an hour. Humbling!
- I was nervous about watching another woman go through intense pain on my behalf. Watching her get cut open to have my child removed was an experience in and of itself. I sat near Tara's head, and I cried the entire time. So did she. Our tears were a mix of joy, overwhelmed anticipation, and a dozen other emotions I can't parse. It was intense. When they got him out, I said to Tara 'He's out! You did it!' We both just bawled when we heard him cry. Tara said to me 'No, YOU did it. I just carried him.' Which just sums her and her attitude toward this whole journey. The drs let me go see the baby on the table, where I fumbled my phone around to get some blurry pics of his little crying face, but the real moment came where Tara could see. They handed him to me where Tara could see and I know I for sure couldn't see straight through my tears. I brought him to her so she could see him and we got the hand-off moment we had been hoping for. Through the whole process, Tara was gracious, generous and caring.
- T got to see the doctors hand Rudi to me for the first time and good gracious I could not see straight I was crying so hard. T was crying, my friend Amanda was crying. We were all a mess! It was beautiful and intense and terrifying and wonderful and a dream come true. Thinking about it now almost a month later it still feels surreal.
- After about 5 minutes in the OR We got to go see Jake in the hallway who had been waiting frantically in the hallway just outside the doors. Interesting: you are not allowed to carry your own baby in the hospital. You have to be in a wheelchair or the baby has to be in a bassinet. So the doctor took Rudi out of my shirt, walked behind me to Jake, and put Rudi back in my shirt where Jake, Rudi, and I had 45 minutes on our own, in the semi dark of the recovery room to just BE together. Rudi was very calm, nestled against me. He only squawked when the nurse gave him his vitamin K shot. I was still crying quite a bit, just in shock that this little squishy human nuzzled up to me was OURS.
- The hospital was a busy place, so the first night (Rudi was born at 11:43pm) we were all in a room together. I was afraid Rudi would cry and fuss the whole time and Tara wouldn't get any sleep, but he was so quiet and calm. I disobeyed the nurses' orders and had him right next to me the whole time. I was in the sleeper chair with Rudi, Jake caught a few winks on the floor and T was in the bed (of course). It turned out to be perfect to be in the room all together for the first hours of Rudi's life. T got to see lots of Rudi, hold him when she wanted and got to see how happy Jake and I were with our little bundle. For the second night, Jake, Rudi and I got our own room across the hall. I think it's because I told them that if going home at 24hours meant we would go home at midnight, we would do that. We were so exhausted and our house is only 10 minutes from the hospital. But having our own room was also perfect. T got more rest, but still plenty of Rudi time. There was more room for Rudi to have his checks, and for visitors.
- Going home was both amazing and hard. Leaving T was hard. It was emotional for her and for us, for different sides of the same coin. I couldn't believe we were taking this baby home to live with us and be ours. T was adjusting to not having him with her any more.
Life So Far:
Is great. There are challenging things about caring for a newborn, but we are having a really good time. Rudi sleeps! For 4 or 5 hours at night! (KNOCK ON WOOD AGAIN!) I'm sure that won't last but we are sure enjoying it very much right now. He also eats! It took him two weeks to get this fully figured out, but in week 3 he really started devouring the bottle and nursing better (yes, I'm nursing him...another post for another time ;)) and gained 12oz in one week, so he's right back on track. He's a very calm baby - his middle name is tuning out to be quite apt. He looks at things and seems just as happy being in a chair or swing as being held. This last thing is actually starting to change - he's just started fussing to be held in the last few days or so. He has also started LOOKING at things, which is fun. But mostly, he's still just a floppy blob, which is ok with me. I love love love infants and their snuggliness.
My most overwhelming thought in my head these days is 'I can't believe how close we came to never having this.' Every moment I'm so incredibly grateful. As a friend helped me articulate, I am excruciatingly aware of the miracle that is Rudi. So much so that it is painful at times. I am loving it. I love having my own baby cuddle in my arms, or lay his head on my chest. I feel whole. I feel like myself. Jake said, the first day of Rudi's life, 'You look like yourself again. You look like you did when we got married.' What he means is that the sadness has lifted. And it has, but it's also still there. I will maybe write about that another time.
I feel a bit self-conscious writing about or putting pictures up of Rudi. For so long, these exact kind of pictures and writing caused me such pain. I would never want to inflict that on anyone else. The fact that babies are considered good news and exciting for people who aren't their parents or families is still a bit mind-blowing to me. And Rudi seems to be an especially big deal, because of his/our story. He's been held by close to 70 people in his short life, all people who are so happy he's here. It's been quite something to see how excited people are for us.
We've seen Tara and her family twice since Rudi was born. It's so great how much he is loved by her clan. Her daughters fight over who gets to hold him and for how long, and Tara is head-over-heels in love with him. Lots of people have wondered how the relationship will be moving forward between Tara and Rudi. She will be a very special Auntie to Rudi, always. She views him as one of her nephews, I think, and just loves him up as hard as she can. We send her updates and pictures every day. It's kind of fun to have someone who's as into your kid as you are. Tara continues to be gracious and generous. She tells us what a good job we're doing and is so supportive of us and Rudi. She's excited for us and the journey we're on. We continue to be eternally grateful to her. I'm sure that will last until Rudi is a teenager and getting into all kinds of trouble ;)
We did it! Rudi is asleep in the sling on my chest as I do the final edits and finish this post up! It only took 3.5 weeks to write! I'm sure I'll get better at doing things other than newborn care soon. More posts to come. :)
I've written a dozen versions or partial versions of this post, including one that didn't save. <frowny face>. That doesn't count all the writing I've done in my head. I am struggling get all the feels into words and not just because I have this whole other being taking up time. I think it's just so much to say. So many moments I don't want to forget and that help inform and conclude the whole journey to Rudi's arrival.
I know: lists. That's easier than a narrative! In no particular order:
The name: Rudi Zen. Do you know how hard it is for two teachers to come up a name that hasn't been ruined with negative connotations? HARD. Rudi was the name of one of my great-uncles who I really liked. He was my Opa's youngest brother. I have always liked the name and the associations are all positive. I also like the idea of 'family names' that show up in an extended family. 'Zen' is the last three letters of Tara's (Rudi's gestational carrier) last name. We wanted to honor the sacrifices her family made for ours. It has turned out to be extra-appropriate because Rudi is a very chill baby so far (KNOCK ON WOOD!).
Standout moments from his birth:
- it's a long story but the short version is that Rudi flipped to breech at the last second, catching all 4 of us and the doctors by surprise. In the end, after a few tense hours of hearing options and thinking it through, Tara chose to have a c-section. This was a hard moment for all of us. I didn't want Tara to have all that recovery time and I knew that she didn't want a c-section at all. But Tara is a mighty-strong woman and once she made up her mind she handled it all beautifully.
- Despite Tara's no-nonsense attitude, this shift in plan from a fairly straightforward vaginal delivery, as Tara had with her two girls, to major surgery was a hard one. It was made all the harder by the long wait (Tara first went to the hospital at 11am on Thursday. Rudi was born at 11:43pm on Friday). We were all feeling a little raw and more than a little nervous about what was about to happen. Thankfully, so so thankfully, we had a secret weapon. Amanda and I worked at camp together in Alberta 18 years ago (!!!!). We share a love of Mennonite food, outdoor adventures, and canoeing. As fate would have it, she and her family ended up in Winnipeg, just 2 blocks away from us. Amanda also happens to be an obstetrician at the hospital where Rudi was born. She had said to me earlier that she'd love to be there to deliver Rudi, so when I called her (and woke her up) to say that it was going to be a C section, and then called her again 8 hours later and said 'it's happening', she got herself up out of bed, threw on the nearest clothes and came to the hospital. When she arrived, all 4 of us breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. In a situation like ours, with the added complication of the surrogacy arrangement, it felt a miracle to have a doctor there who knew us and the story about what was going on. She made sure Jake could wait in the hallway right outside the delivery room, she made sure that Jake and I got the baby bands that matched Rudi's, and she cried tears of joy with me about what was about to happen in our lives. She put Tara at ease and reassured her that everything would be fine. She stitched Tara up and I knew that the best possible job had been done. The doctor who was actually working that night would have done all of this as well, I'm sure, but having Amanda there took everyone's stress level down a ton of notches. Thanks, Amanda!
- I got to be in the room for Rudi's birth. Usually only one support adult is allowed, and obviously that would be J, Tara's husband. But thankfully, so thankfully, a nurse asked the anesthesiologist if he would allow a second support person and he said that would be fine! So I got to go in. Part of the reason T and I were both upset about a c-section was also because we both wouldn't get to witness the birth and handing off of Rudi the same way. However, that worked out too.
- I was in near-shock the whole time. The wait to get to the operating room was not short and the wait for a baby in general has been so long over all that even up to Tara lying on the table, surrounded by doctors, I don't think I fully believed my baby was being born. I cried the ENTIRE time, and so did Tara. It was very intense.
- C-sections are not a gentle process! I didn't see much (although I can watch the whole thing any time I want - J captured the entire process on video and in stills), but I did see the doctors just REEFING on Rudi and Tara, trying to get him out. They had a little trouble with his head; it was stuck under her ribs and he started trying to breathe before they had him fully out - little stinker. So when you're holding a newborn and thinking about how fragile they are, just know - they are not as delicate as you think. They literally FLIPPED Rudi over a few times to try and get his head unstuck. Also: I've never been more grateful for our medical system. There were about 10 medical professionals in the room to help my baby be born, for about an hour. Humbling!
- I was nervous about watching another woman go through intense pain on my behalf. Watching her get cut open to have my child removed was an experience in and of itself. I sat near Tara's head, and I cried the entire time. So did she. Our tears were a mix of joy, overwhelmed anticipation, and a dozen other emotions I can't parse. It was intense. When they got him out, I said to Tara 'He's out! You did it!' We both just bawled when we heard him cry. Tara said to me 'No, YOU did it. I just carried him.' Which just sums her and her attitude toward this whole journey. The drs let me go see the baby on the table, where I fumbled my phone around to get some blurry pics of his little crying face, but the real moment came where Tara could see. They handed him to me where Tara could see and I know I for sure couldn't see straight through my tears. I brought him to her so she could see him and we got the hand-off moment we had been hoping for. Through the whole process, Tara was gracious, generous and caring.
- T got to see the doctors hand Rudi to me for the first time and good gracious I could not see straight I was crying so hard. T was crying, my friend Amanda was crying. We were all a mess! It was beautiful and intense and terrifying and wonderful and a dream come true. Thinking about it now almost a month later it still feels surreal.
- After about 5 minutes in the OR We got to go see Jake in the hallway who had been waiting frantically in the hallway just outside the doors. Interesting: you are not allowed to carry your own baby in the hospital. You have to be in a wheelchair or the baby has to be in a bassinet. So the doctor took Rudi out of my shirt, walked behind me to Jake, and put Rudi back in my shirt where Jake, Rudi, and I had 45 minutes on our own, in the semi dark of the recovery room to just BE together. Rudi was very calm, nestled against me. He only squawked when the nurse gave him his vitamin K shot. I was still crying quite a bit, just in shock that this little squishy human nuzzled up to me was OURS.
- The hospital was a busy place, so the first night (Rudi was born at 11:43pm) we were all in a room together. I was afraid Rudi would cry and fuss the whole time and Tara wouldn't get any sleep, but he was so quiet and calm. I disobeyed the nurses' orders and had him right next to me the whole time. I was in the sleeper chair with Rudi, Jake caught a few winks on the floor and T was in the bed (of course). It turned out to be perfect to be in the room all together for the first hours of Rudi's life. T got to see lots of Rudi, hold him when she wanted and got to see how happy Jake and I were with our little bundle. For the second night, Jake, Rudi and I got our own room across the hall. I think it's because I told them that if going home at 24hours meant we would go home at midnight, we would do that. We were so exhausted and our house is only 10 minutes from the hospital. But having our own room was also perfect. T got more rest, but still plenty of Rudi time. There was more room for Rudi to have his checks, and for visitors.
- Going home was both amazing and hard. Leaving T was hard. It was emotional for her and for us, for different sides of the same coin. I couldn't believe we were taking this baby home to live with us and be ours. T was adjusting to not having him with her any more.
Life So Far:
Is great. There are challenging things about caring for a newborn, but we are having a really good time. Rudi sleeps! For 4 or 5 hours at night! (KNOCK ON WOOD AGAIN!) I'm sure that won't last but we are sure enjoying it very much right now. He also eats! It took him two weeks to get this fully figured out, but in week 3 he really started devouring the bottle and nursing better (yes, I'm nursing him...another post for another time ;)) and gained 12oz in one week, so he's right back on track. He's a very calm baby - his middle name is tuning out to be quite apt. He looks at things and seems just as happy being in a chair or swing as being held. This last thing is actually starting to change - he's just started fussing to be held in the last few days or so. He has also started LOOKING at things, which is fun. But mostly, he's still just a floppy blob, which is ok with me. I love love love infants and their snuggliness.
My most overwhelming thought in my head these days is 'I can't believe how close we came to never having this.' Every moment I'm so incredibly grateful. As a friend helped me articulate, I am excruciatingly aware of the miracle that is Rudi. So much so that it is painful at times. I am loving it. I love having my own baby cuddle in my arms, or lay his head on my chest. I feel whole. I feel like myself. Jake said, the first day of Rudi's life, 'You look like yourself again. You look like you did when we got married.' What he means is that the sadness has lifted. And it has, but it's also still there. I will maybe write about that another time.
I feel a bit self-conscious writing about or putting pictures up of Rudi. For so long, these exact kind of pictures and writing caused me such pain. I would never want to inflict that on anyone else. The fact that babies are considered good news and exciting for people who aren't their parents or families is still a bit mind-blowing to me. And Rudi seems to be an especially big deal, because of his/our story. He's been held by close to 70 people in his short life, all people who are so happy he's here. It's been quite something to see how excited people are for us.
We've seen Tara and her family twice since Rudi was born. It's so great how much he is loved by her clan. Her daughters fight over who gets to hold him and for how long, and Tara is head-over-heels in love with him. Lots of people have wondered how the relationship will be moving forward between Tara and Rudi. She will be a very special Auntie to Rudi, always. She views him as one of her nephews, I think, and just loves him up as hard as she can. We send her updates and pictures every day. It's kind of fun to have someone who's as into your kid as you are. Tara continues to be gracious and generous. She tells us what a good job we're doing and is so supportive of us and Rudi. She's excited for us and the journey we're on. We continue to be eternally grateful to her. I'm sure that will last until Rudi is a teenager and getting into all kinds of trouble ;)
We did it! Rudi is asleep in the sling on my chest as I do the final edits and finish this post up! It only took 3.5 weeks to write! I'm sure I'll get better at doing things other than newborn care soon. More posts to come. :)
Thank you so much for sharing your miracle story.
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