Never Enough
The truth is, it's never enough.
I can't get enough of Rudi. That's not to say I don't play around on my phone, or watch tv or do chores while we're at home - all those things happen. But they usually happen with Rudi asleep or nursing or somehow on my body. And it's never enough!
Every day I'm so happy and grateful for his existence and excited to see him grow and develop and also a teensy bit sad that every day brings us closer to the day he won't need me any more. Is that insane? I think it's probably insane. I sometimes feel quite frantic about it. Time is already moving too fast and at the same time I just try to soak up all the seconds and focus on being in the moment. This balance between enjoying what is happening now and just living in it with the knowledge that, barring a(nother) miracle, Rudi will be our only child sometimes drives me a bit batty in my head. Not all the way batty, just enough that when people say 'it's ok if you're not enjoying a certain stage' or 'the best part about this parents group is they take your kid!' and I think to myself: 'I don't want them to take my kid! And I'm loving all the stages!' With a vim and vigor the easily-pregnant probably can't understand.
But this is the thing about parenting after a hard-fought battle with infertility. Or at least, it's one of the things. The agony of knowing so completely what you've won is just that, agony. Exquisite agony.
There are, of course, several factors that make it easy to just want more of Rudi all the time. First, he continues to be a very calm, easy-going baby. He sleeps, he eats, and he poops like a champ. Recently he started really smiling at people. It's so fun! He still only cries if he needs something (sleep, food, comfort, new diaper), and once you solve that thing, he's right as rain. Second, despite the past 4 years of avoiding babies, I actually LOVE LOVE LOVE babies. I love their little squishiness, the way they sleep anywhere, their snuggles, everything about them. And having my own baby! Bliss! If Rudi could stay a baby forever, I'd be ok with that. I have had very few moments where I've needed a break or been 'done'. I don't count the minutes for J to come home to relieve me of child-care. I am leaning into it, and it is awesome.
I wear Rudi for most of the day, including (especially) his naps. Is there anything better than a sleeping baby snuggling you? I think not. Sometimes he puts his little arm around my neck. Total coincidence, since he hasn't realized his hands belong to him yet, but I'll take it! I mean, I do put him down sometimes - he loves his bouncy chair and sometimes when he's fussy he wants to just lay on the ground and kick and look around. And of course we do lots of tummy time (chest to chest time counts!) - but overall I (or Jake) hold him a lot. Some people have made some sideways comments about the amount of holding time Rudi gets. For some reason our society paradoxically favours attachment (which sometimes equals helicopter) parenting but also espouses that your baby should be on their own. I'm just fully embracing the concept of the fourth trimester and I figure as long as wearing Rudi doesn't hurt my back and he's able to sleep, we're just going to embrace it and love it. Feeling him move in his sleep against me is like magic. I didn't carry him before his birth, so I'm carrying him now, as much as I possibly can. Plus, I should say, that being held all day does not inhibit his night time sleeping on his own. In his bassinet by our bed he sleeps 5-6h stretches these days. I know...easiest baby of all time.
I had to talk myself into swaddling and putting Rudi to bed at 9, rather than at 10 as we had been doing. Well, it's a bit of an experiment. We'll see what time he wakes me up at. But the point is that after he fell asleep in my arms I just held him for another 20 minutes and I fully considered just staying on the couch holding him until I was ready to go to sleep. This despite the fact that he had 3 naps in the sling and/or Ergo today PLUS all the other holding/playing/interacting we did. I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH! But I think that's ok. In no time at all he'll be too heavy for all that snuggling and then I will be glad I held him so much.
I'm going to try to do more writing. I have lots of things rattling around in my head. The tone of the blog will shift, as it does, as life does, I guess.
Much of the writing will happen while Rudi sleeps on my chest :) I would have it no other way.
I can't get enough of Rudi. That's not to say I don't play around on my phone, or watch tv or do chores while we're at home - all those things happen. But they usually happen with Rudi asleep or nursing or somehow on my body. And it's never enough!
Every day I'm so happy and grateful for his existence and excited to see him grow and develop and also a teensy bit sad that every day brings us closer to the day he won't need me any more. Is that insane? I think it's probably insane. I sometimes feel quite frantic about it. Time is already moving too fast and at the same time I just try to soak up all the seconds and focus on being in the moment. This balance between enjoying what is happening now and just living in it with the knowledge that, barring a(nother) miracle, Rudi will be our only child sometimes drives me a bit batty in my head. Not all the way batty, just enough that when people say 'it's ok if you're not enjoying a certain stage' or 'the best part about this parents group is they take your kid!' and I think to myself: 'I don't want them to take my kid! And I'm loving all the stages!' With a vim and vigor the easily-pregnant probably can't understand.
But this is the thing about parenting after a hard-fought battle with infertility. Or at least, it's one of the things. The agony of knowing so completely what you've won is just that, agony. Exquisite agony.
There are, of course, several factors that make it easy to just want more of Rudi all the time. First, he continues to be a very calm, easy-going baby. He sleeps, he eats, and he poops like a champ. Recently he started really smiling at people. It's so fun! He still only cries if he needs something (sleep, food, comfort, new diaper), and once you solve that thing, he's right as rain. Second, despite the past 4 years of avoiding babies, I actually LOVE LOVE LOVE babies. I love their little squishiness, the way they sleep anywhere, their snuggles, everything about them. And having my own baby! Bliss! If Rudi could stay a baby forever, I'd be ok with that. I have had very few moments where I've needed a break or been 'done'. I don't count the minutes for J to come home to relieve me of child-care. I am leaning into it, and it is awesome.
I wear Rudi for most of the day, including (especially) his naps. Is there anything better than a sleeping baby snuggling you? I think not. Sometimes he puts his little arm around my neck. Total coincidence, since he hasn't realized his hands belong to him yet, but I'll take it! I mean, I do put him down sometimes - he loves his bouncy chair and sometimes when he's fussy he wants to just lay on the ground and kick and look around. And of course we do lots of tummy time (chest to chest time counts!) - but overall I (or Jake) hold him a lot. Some people have made some sideways comments about the amount of holding time Rudi gets. For some reason our society paradoxically favours attachment (which sometimes equals helicopter) parenting but also espouses that your baby should be on their own. I'm just fully embracing the concept of the fourth trimester and I figure as long as wearing Rudi doesn't hurt my back and he's able to sleep, we're just going to embrace it and love it. Feeling him move in his sleep against me is like magic. I didn't carry him before his birth, so I'm carrying him now, as much as I possibly can. Plus, I should say, that being held all day does not inhibit his night time sleeping on his own. In his bassinet by our bed he sleeps 5-6h stretches these days. I know...easiest baby of all time.
I had to talk myself into swaddling and putting Rudi to bed at 9, rather than at 10 as we had been doing. Well, it's a bit of an experiment. We'll see what time he wakes me up at. But the point is that after he fell asleep in my arms I just held him for another 20 minutes and I fully considered just staying on the couch holding him until I was ready to go to sleep. This despite the fact that he had 3 naps in the sling and/or Ergo today PLUS all the other holding/playing/interacting we did. I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH! But I think that's ok. In no time at all he'll be too heavy for all that snuggling and then I will be glad I held him so much.
I'm going to try to do more writing. I have lots of things rattling around in my head. The tone of the blog will shift, as it does, as life does, I guess.
Much of the writing will happen while Rudi sleeps on my chest :) I would have it no other way.
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