Rabbit hole
Is it strange that I'm doing way more searching of other people's infertility stories now than before Rudi arrived? I think it is strange, and yet I'm compelled to dig and follow links and read stories of other women who are infertile. I was just looking around the interwebs on this very issue, when it hit me that this is kind of bizarre timing. We found a way to parenthood that circumnavigated my infertility. Why is it now important to me to find stories I identify with?
It's possible this had something to do with the webseries on CBC called 'How to Buy a Baby'. I watched this series a few weeks ago after seeing it advertised on facebook (good old facebook!) and I don't think I've ever been more surprised by something on TV in my life.
First, it is so accurate. SOOOOOOOOOO accurate! It made me feel like someone got in my head during this whole infertility/ivf process somehow and recorded what was going on. I have never identified with anything more in my life. It's a powerful thing to see your experience mirrored so closely, especially so when done by a stranger. I'd highly recommend watching it (it's short - each episode is only 5-7 min long and also it's a comedy, if a bit dark). Second, the best part about it is (minor spoiler alert) it doesn't have a cheery, happy, everything-works-out-in-the-end ending. And the silence. Oh the silence. It's chilling. It brought me back to our own silence after the last ivf phone call with bad news. Third, I was so moved by the webseries I even messaged her on instagram to say thanks for making something so real and true to the experience of IVF. I never do things like that!
After I watched the series I went digging for the writer, Wendy Litner. It was clear she had been through the experience herself, the writing was so real and stark. I started reading her other work which is beautiful and haunting. Her work led me to other women who have written and down the internet infertility rabbit hole I went.
Maybe I'm trying to understand the past 4 years. Maybe I'm trying to sort out what it means as related to where I am now. Maybe it's because I'm in such a better place emotionally that I can now look back and start to process everything. Maybe it's just that I feel I'm finally safe enough to own the experience. Maybe it's only now that I'm healthy enough that I can read other people's experiences without totally falling apart. I don't know why, exactly. Maybe the answer will be revealed eventually.
In the meantime, these afternoon naps in the sunroom provide great quiet thinking/writing/reading time. I'm soaking them up, every second of every one. I know they will come to an end eventually.
It's possible this had something to do with the webseries on CBC called 'How to Buy a Baby'. I watched this series a few weeks ago after seeing it advertised on facebook (good old facebook!) and I don't think I've ever been more surprised by something on TV in my life.
First, it is so accurate. SOOOOOOOOOO accurate! It made me feel like someone got in my head during this whole infertility/ivf process somehow and recorded what was going on. I have never identified with anything more in my life. It's a powerful thing to see your experience mirrored so closely, especially so when done by a stranger. I'd highly recommend watching it (it's short - each episode is only 5-7 min long and also it's a comedy, if a bit dark). Second, the best part about it is (minor spoiler alert) it doesn't have a cheery, happy, everything-works-out-in-the-end ending. And the silence. Oh the silence. It's chilling. It brought me back to our own silence after the last ivf phone call with bad news. Third, I was so moved by the webseries I even messaged her on instagram to say thanks for making something so real and true to the experience of IVF. I never do things like that!
After I watched the series I went digging for the writer, Wendy Litner. It was clear she had been through the experience herself, the writing was so real and stark. I started reading her other work which is beautiful and haunting. Her work led me to other women who have written and down the internet infertility rabbit hole I went.
Maybe I'm trying to understand the past 4 years. Maybe I'm trying to sort out what it means as related to where I am now. Maybe it's because I'm in such a better place emotionally that I can now look back and start to process everything. Maybe it's just that I feel I'm finally safe enough to own the experience. Maybe it's only now that I'm healthy enough that I can read other people's experiences without totally falling apart. I don't know why, exactly. Maybe the answer will be revealed eventually.
In the meantime, these afternoon naps in the sunroom provide great quiet thinking/writing/reading time. I'm soaking them up, every second of every one. I know they will come to an end eventually.
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