Taking Stock
My time alone with Rudi is coming to an end. Jake will be done work in 2 weeks and then the three of us will be hanging out having adventures together for the summer before I head back to work in September and Jake and Rudi get to have their time alone together.
I tried to explain to Jake how I was feeling about the upcoming transitions in our world. I'm excited for our summer of fun together (and also so grateful that we will always have 2 months off as a family!), and I'm VERY happy that Jake is staying home with Rudi next year - they will have so much fun. I'm also sad about my time alone with Rudi ending.
I have loved this year, SO MUCH. It's not that there weren't hard days: there were. But overall, by far and away, when I think back to our fall and winter and spring together, the overwhelming image that pops out to me is the afternoon light streaming through the windows of the sunroom, Rudi asleep on my chest, my head back, basking in the sun.
This year was our gestational period, Rudi's and mine. It was our time to be as connected as we could be. We napped together. We played together. Feeding him took an hour for the first several months of his life, 8x a day. I looked forward to the middle-of-the-night feeds because there were a few moments when I'd get to snuggle him close and breathe in his milk breath as he fell back asleep. At some point in the year, as I dozed in the sun with Rudi it occurred to me that THIS was the main job for the year: being with my baby. The time wasn't about accomplishing projects or making things, or even writing. It was about enjoying and soaking up every snuggle, smile, and laugh with my babe. It was about long walks bundled together, about singing songs and reading books. We were in a cocoon of two and it was great. It was what I needed and wanted to heal what infertility had broken.
There is lots I didn't do this year:
I didn't make a single photo book.
I didn't write a book.
I didn't make a jean blanket.
I didn't keep the house very clean (I hate cleaning. It's so futile. You clean something, check it off the list, feel great about yourself, and then a week later it needs to be done AGAIN!)
I didn't get in spectacular shape.
But there is also lots I did do this year:
I made Christmas stockings.
I wrote a lot.
I organized the baking pantry.
I organized the upstairs linen closet.
I did clean sometimes.
I did make colour-coded rags for all the rooms in the house that need to be cleaned often - and I even use them sometimes!
I had so many wonderful naps with Rudi.
I went for a walk outside almost every day.
In the past couple of weeks things have been changing. Rudi and I are done nursing. We made it for just over 10 months, which is WAY farther than I thought we'd make it. He started sleeping through the night on his own at 8 months and that was the beginning of the end of my milk. But I'm ok with the change. He won't take a bottle if he isn't also being cuddled, so whenever it's bottle time we snuggle up close and look at each other or I breathe in the smell of his head and rub my face back and forth in his peach-fuzz hair. Summer weather means it's too hot to nap body-to-body most of the time and also since I'm going back to work we'll have to start changing that routine as well. We are being more social and spending more time with other moms and babies, more time at the park, more time out observing the world, rather than being cocooned in our house. These are all good things.
I'm so deep-in-my-soul grateful for our gestational period. I have loved it, even when I was bored or frustrated or exhausted. I would not trade it. If there was ever a magical time to re-do, for me this mat leave with one easy-going baby and a gorgeous sunroom would be it. I would do this year over in a heartbeat. But, since time and experiences don't work like that I'm just going to file these memories in the 'amazing' box and dust them off every once in a while :)
I tried to explain to Jake how I was feeling about the upcoming transitions in our world. I'm excited for our summer of fun together (and also so grateful that we will always have 2 months off as a family!), and I'm VERY happy that Jake is staying home with Rudi next year - they will have so much fun. I'm also sad about my time alone with Rudi ending.
I have loved this year, SO MUCH. It's not that there weren't hard days: there were. But overall, by far and away, when I think back to our fall and winter and spring together, the overwhelming image that pops out to me is the afternoon light streaming through the windows of the sunroom, Rudi asleep on my chest, my head back, basking in the sun.
This year was our gestational period, Rudi's and mine. It was our time to be as connected as we could be. We napped together. We played together. Feeding him took an hour for the first several months of his life, 8x a day. I looked forward to the middle-of-the-night feeds because there were a few moments when I'd get to snuggle him close and breathe in his milk breath as he fell back asleep. At some point in the year, as I dozed in the sun with Rudi it occurred to me that THIS was the main job for the year: being with my baby. The time wasn't about accomplishing projects or making things, or even writing. It was about enjoying and soaking up every snuggle, smile, and laugh with my babe. It was about long walks bundled together, about singing songs and reading books. We were in a cocoon of two and it was great. It was what I needed and wanted to heal what infertility had broken.
There is lots I didn't do this year:
I didn't make a single photo book.
I didn't write a book.
I didn't make a jean blanket.
I didn't keep the house very clean (I hate cleaning. It's so futile. You clean something, check it off the list, feel great about yourself, and then a week later it needs to be done AGAIN!)
I didn't get in spectacular shape.
But there is also lots I did do this year:
I made Christmas stockings.
I wrote a lot.
I organized the baking pantry.
I organized the upstairs linen closet.
I did clean sometimes.
I did make colour-coded rags for all the rooms in the house that need to be cleaned often - and I even use them sometimes!
I had so many wonderful naps with Rudi.
I went for a walk outside almost every day.
In the past couple of weeks things have been changing. Rudi and I are done nursing. We made it for just over 10 months, which is WAY farther than I thought we'd make it. He started sleeping through the night on his own at 8 months and that was the beginning of the end of my milk. But I'm ok with the change. He won't take a bottle if he isn't also being cuddled, so whenever it's bottle time we snuggle up close and look at each other or I breathe in the smell of his head and rub my face back and forth in his peach-fuzz hair. Summer weather means it's too hot to nap body-to-body most of the time and also since I'm going back to work we'll have to start changing that routine as well. We are being more social and spending more time with other moms and babies, more time at the park, more time out observing the world, rather than being cocooned in our house. These are all good things.
I'm so deep-in-my-soul grateful for our gestational period. I have loved it, even when I was bored or frustrated or exhausted. I would not trade it. If there was ever a magical time to re-do, for me this mat leave with one easy-going baby and a gorgeous sunroom would be it. I would do this year over in a heartbeat. But, since time and experiences don't work like that I'm just going to file these memories in the 'amazing' box and dust them off every once in a while :)
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