More Good News
It is astounding to me that here I am again, writing again that we are going to be parents again due to the extremely selfless act of another woman. If all continues to go well, we'll be welcoming a baby into our family in late fall.
To review, in case you haven't been reading my blog (not that there have been a lot of posts - I'll never be a person who will make money from their online presence ;):
At the end of last April, I wrote a post about searching for a surrogate to carry a sibling for Rudi. People shared it and much to our total shock, several women replied with interest in being a surrogate. Sara was one of those people. We connected over many commonalities and after sending LOTS of emails back and forth for May, June, and July, and meeting in person, we started the long and arduous legal and medical process to enable her to try to carry our baby. We transferred 1 embryo in September and 1 in October of 2018, neither of which 'stuck', and then this one in March, which DID! What!?!?
Is that not unreal? Let me answer for you: it IS unreal. A little over a year ago we sent a plea into the world, a stranger reached back, we connected, and now she's growing our little nugget. I honestly can't get over this story and how crazy it is. Divine intervention is the only way to explain it, for reals.
I have a lot of thoughts that have been rattling around in my head and a few drafts of posts that I think I'm going to consolidate into a bit of a doozy. Read on at your leisure, or don't ;)
Bliss of a Break
After our failed transfers in the fall, we took a break from trying for several months. Partly due to Christmas, partly due to some events in Sara's life that we needed to work around. During those 4 months, I got a glimpse of life without fertility hanging over my head. It was amazing. I can barely describe the sense of peace I had. I was content to snuggle Rudi, laugh with Jake, go on adventures and just live with my family as it was. I wasn't wishing for something, or striving for something, or figuring out a way to get what I cannot do on my own. I just WAS. There were no bills from the fertility clinic to pay, there were no appointments to attend, there were no tears shed over something that wasn't working. Quite frankly, it was bliss. You know that saying, Life is what happens when you're making other plans? We weren't making other plans! We were just living! We went on a trip-of-a-lifetime to Mexico, we coped with one illness after another in January, we dealt with the -40 temps and snuggled into our house and each other. I wondered: is this what life is like for people who can have the number of kids they want?
Number 10
When it came time to get back on the horse, so to speak (exam table would be more accurate, although it was Sara up there, not me) it was really hard to get emotionally geared up. Harder than I thought it would be. I was caught between two realities: first, life was SO GOOD with Rudi. We were/are having so much fun with him. The break had been good. Second, I couldn't not try. I couldn't let go - we had embryos and someone willing to try to grow one. Despite the huge emotional cost and our growing feeling that this wasn't going to work, that Rudi was our one good embyro, we went for it. Sara held the faith for us in these moments. She was sure it was a matter of 'when' not 'if' and that helped immeasurably.
As I sat beside Sara in the procedure room during our last embryo transfer, I realized that this was our 10th embryo. I thought about all the times I had been in this room. Twice to get eggs out, 5 times for my own transfers (one of mine was a double transfer, in case you're doing the math ;)), once with Tara, and now 3 times with Sara. 10 embryos, 3 women. The effort of building our family hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried as I held the picture of the embryo in my hand.
This is definitely the domain of my life in which I have shown the most determination and I honestly don't know how I've done it. If I think too hard about how difficult and consuming and emotionally and mentally costly it has been, I buckle.
10 embryos. 3 women. (Hopefully) 2 babies.
Sheesh.
(*Side note: We have not been successful at having babies because I've been more determined than other people who are also trying to have babies. We've had babies because we are lucky enough that we can make embryos AND that 2 angel-women were willing to try to grow them. Luck is a MAJOR part of this)
Sharing the News
Second babies aren't usually as big of a deal, of obvious reasons. The parents are already parents. Diapers, tiny clothes, a crib and toys already permeate the house.
So, three things. First, I still very much feel like I don't have any right to a big announcement, due to my years-long inability to be happy for anyone else making one. Consequently, we told almost everyone we know via text or email.
Secondly, this story is CA-RAZY, as mentioned above. WE are those people when someone says 'well, I heard of someone who found a surrogate through a blog post and now they have 2 kids!' Sara and her family have been so wonderful and kind to us - this is the gift of a lifetime, and to have someone who was formerly a stranger do it is just ... there are no words. Kind of makes me WANT to shout from the rooftops... but it's also complicated.
Thirdly, with surrogacy there is no point at which it becomes obvious that we are expecting a baby. My body won't change in any way that is visible to the outside world (although I am going to try to nurse again - that's a blog for another day), and then one day, we will start having a newborn around.
These three factors put me in somewhat of a pickle. I don't want to just announce it to people - I never ever want to put someone in a position that makes them feel trapped, stressed, or unhappy when the 'expected' reaction is joy. I'm also not a person who tends to volunteer personal information in conversation. BUT....I'm not going to be at my job for long next year. With Rudi, I just didn't come back in the fall, but with this one, it's possible that I will literally have to leave in the middle of class to go attend my child's birth. Also, now that we have a kid we know a lot more neighborhood people due to the play groups and the park and just walking around. So....what do you say? When do you say it? My belly will never say it for me. How do you work in the extra miracle of finding Sara?
I mean, this post will help, but not many of the people I'm talking about will actually read this, so..... it's kind of a strange by-product of surrogacy.
Waiting
It feels different this time. We're not quite so numb and broken, although when Sara sent us the email stating she saw two lines on the home pregnancy tests, we were both in total shock. So much so that we honestly could not process the information for a LOOONG time. We really believed that it wouldn't work and before we checked our email that evening we had a serious discussion about when to stop this madness we had put ourselves back into.
But here we are! Waiting! Anticipating! The usual reaction to our news is 'That's so exciting! You must be so excited!' and it is and we are.....but....it's different. Sara lives 4h away and although she is TOTALLY awesome at sending updates and taking pictures and videos of ultrasounds etc we aren't THERE witnessing things in the same way.
Also, while it will never cease to amaze me that a woman who responded to my blog is now pregnant with my child, that she is giving us this gift, it is still hard to really rest easy in the knowledge that a baby is coming. I can't feel it. I don't have symptoms - it's all removed. The scars of infertility don't go away; the idea that there are no promises or sure things sticks around for a LONG time. I'm so much mentally healthier now, but trusting the good news is still very difficult. Jake and I have to remind ourselves to talk about it and to make plans for this baby (where will it sleep after it outgrows the bassinet by the bed, for example! We only have 2 bedrooms upstairs! ;) )
Peace
When Rudi was a tiny baby, every single moment of mine and his life was accompanied by the thought 'I'll never get to do this again'. That thought consumed me. I wouldn't get a chance to have a newborn again, to have those amazing chest naps again, to see another little personality emerge from a tiny, curly human. At the same time that I was deliriously happy to have a baby, to love a baby, to watch the baby grow and develop, I also was sad that this was my one shot. I wanted ALL the babies.
As he grew out of tiny clothes and baby things that I loved, I couldn't bring myself to pass everything along in the great hand-me-down chain. I stashed my favorite clothes, items and toys, just in case. I didn't even tell Jake, because it was silly - we knew Tara couldn't carry again and how on earth would we find someone else? How could we even get the strength up to go through the process again?
But we did, and we are. A few weeks ago I dug through one of the bins of precious baby things that did not get handed down and found the moccasins that my sister-in-law gave me when we heard Rudi's heartbeat for the first time. I put them on my dresser, just as I had done with Rudi. I look at them every day to remind myself: A tiny baby is coming to us again. We are blessed beyond measure to have found Sara, and to have found Tara.
How do you process the enormity of other women growing your family?
I'll let you know when I figure it out.
Thank YOU!
Thank you, thank you, thank YOU to everyone who shared the post! YOU found us a surrogate. If you shared that original one and would like to share this one, go ahead. I don't expect this will go viral like that last one did, but I hope lots of people who shared that original one find out that it WORKED! My mind is still blown by that.
*There are no cutesy pictures in here on purpose. Facebook shows the pics as part of the thumbnail when/if people 'share' it, but I don't want it to be a punch in the gut to anyone, so we'll try to keep it a bit more subtle.
To review, in case you haven't been reading my blog (not that there have been a lot of posts - I'll never be a person who will make money from their online presence ;):
At the end of last April, I wrote a post about searching for a surrogate to carry a sibling for Rudi. People shared it and much to our total shock, several women replied with interest in being a surrogate. Sara was one of those people. We connected over many commonalities and after sending LOTS of emails back and forth for May, June, and July, and meeting in person, we started the long and arduous legal and medical process to enable her to try to carry our baby. We transferred 1 embryo in September and 1 in October of 2018, neither of which 'stuck', and then this one in March, which DID! What!?!?
Is that not unreal? Let me answer for you: it IS unreal. A little over a year ago we sent a plea into the world, a stranger reached back, we connected, and now she's growing our little nugget. I honestly can't get over this story and how crazy it is. Divine intervention is the only way to explain it, for reals.
I have a lot of thoughts that have been rattling around in my head and a few drafts of posts that I think I'm going to consolidate into a bit of a doozy. Read on at your leisure, or don't ;)
Bliss of a Break
After our failed transfers in the fall, we took a break from trying for several months. Partly due to Christmas, partly due to some events in Sara's life that we needed to work around. During those 4 months, I got a glimpse of life without fertility hanging over my head. It was amazing. I can barely describe the sense of peace I had. I was content to snuggle Rudi, laugh with Jake, go on adventures and just live with my family as it was. I wasn't wishing for something, or striving for something, or figuring out a way to get what I cannot do on my own. I just WAS. There were no bills from the fertility clinic to pay, there were no appointments to attend, there were no tears shed over something that wasn't working. Quite frankly, it was bliss. You know that saying, Life is what happens when you're making other plans? We weren't making other plans! We were just living! We went on a trip-of-a-lifetime to Mexico, we coped with one illness after another in January, we dealt with the -40 temps and snuggled into our house and each other. I wondered: is this what life is like for people who can have the number of kids they want?
Number 10
When it came time to get back on the horse, so to speak (exam table would be more accurate, although it was Sara up there, not me) it was really hard to get emotionally geared up. Harder than I thought it would be. I was caught between two realities: first, life was SO GOOD with Rudi. We were/are having so much fun with him. The break had been good. Second, I couldn't not try. I couldn't let go - we had embryos and someone willing to try to grow one. Despite the huge emotional cost and our growing feeling that this wasn't going to work, that Rudi was our one good embyro, we went for it. Sara held the faith for us in these moments. She was sure it was a matter of 'when' not 'if' and that helped immeasurably.
As I sat beside Sara in the procedure room during our last embryo transfer, I realized that this was our 10th embryo. I thought about all the times I had been in this room. Twice to get eggs out, 5 times for my own transfers (one of mine was a double transfer, in case you're doing the math ;)), once with Tara, and now 3 times with Sara. 10 embryos, 3 women. The effort of building our family hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried as I held the picture of the embryo in my hand.
This is definitely the domain of my life in which I have shown the most determination and I honestly don't know how I've done it. If I think too hard about how difficult and consuming and emotionally and mentally costly it has been, I buckle.
10 embryos. 3 women. (Hopefully) 2 babies.
Sheesh.
(*Side note: We have not been successful at having babies because I've been more determined than other people who are also trying to have babies. We've had babies because we are lucky enough that we can make embryos AND that 2 angel-women were willing to try to grow them. Luck is a MAJOR part of this)
Sharing the News
Second babies aren't usually as big of a deal, of obvious reasons. The parents are already parents. Diapers, tiny clothes, a crib and toys already permeate the house.
So, three things. First, I still very much feel like I don't have any right to a big announcement, due to my years-long inability to be happy for anyone else making one. Consequently, we told almost everyone we know via text or email.
Secondly, this story is CA-RAZY, as mentioned above. WE are those people when someone says 'well, I heard of someone who found a surrogate through a blog post and now they have 2 kids!' Sara and her family have been so wonderful and kind to us - this is the gift of a lifetime, and to have someone who was formerly a stranger do it is just ... there are no words. Kind of makes me WANT to shout from the rooftops... but it's also complicated.
Thirdly, with surrogacy there is no point at which it becomes obvious that we are expecting a baby. My body won't change in any way that is visible to the outside world (although I am going to try to nurse again - that's a blog for another day), and then one day, we will start having a newborn around.
These three factors put me in somewhat of a pickle. I don't want to just announce it to people - I never ever want to put someone in a position that makes them feel trapped, stressed, or unhappy when the 'expected' reaction is joy. I'm also not a person who tends to volunteer personal information in conversation. BUT....I'm not going to be at my job for long next year. With Rudi, I just didn't come back in the fall, but with this one, it's possible that I will literally have to leave in the middle of class to go attend my child's birth. Also, now that we have a kid we know a lot more neighborhood people due to the play groups and the park and just walking around. So....what do you say? When do you say it? My belly will never say it for me. How do you work in the extra miracle of finding Sara?
I mean, this post will help, but not many of the people I'm talking about will actually read this, so..... it's kind of a strange by-product of surrogacy.
Waiting
It feels different this time. We're not quite so numb and broken, although when Sara sent us the email stating she saw two lines on the home pregnancy tests, we were both in total shock. So much so that we honestly could not process the information for a LOOONG time. We really believed that it wouldn't work and before we checked our email that evening we had a serious discussion about when to stop this madness we had put ourselves back into.
But here we are! Waiting! Anticipating! The usual reaction to our news is 'That's so exciting! You must be so excited!' and it is and we are.....but....it's different. Sara lives 4h away and although she is TOTALLY awesome at sending updates and taking pictures and videos of ultrasounds etc we aren't THERE witnessing things in the same way.
Also, while it will never cease to amaze me that a woman who responded to my blog is now pregnant with my child, that she is giving us this gift, it is still hard to really rest easy in the knowledge that a baby is coming. I can't feel it. I don't have symptoms - it's all removed. The scars of infertility don't go away; the idea that there are no promises or sure things sticks around for a LONG time. I'm so much mentally healthier now, but trusting the good news is still very difficult. Jake and I have to remind ourselves to talk about it and to make plans for this baby (where will it sleep after it outgrows the bassinet by the bed, for example! We only have 2 bedrooms upstairs! ;) )
Peace
When Rudi was a tiny baby, every single moment of mine and his life was accompanied by the thought 'I'll never get to do this again'. That thought consumed me. I wouldn't get a chance to have a newborn again, to have those amazing chest naps again, to see another little personality emerge from a tiny, curly human. At the same time that I was deliriously happy to have a baby, to love a baby, to watch the baby grow and develop, I also was sad that this was my one shot. I wanted ALL the babies.
As he grew out of tiny clothes and baby things that I loved, I couldn't bring myself to pass everything along in the great hand-me-down chain. I stashed my favorite clothes, items and toys, just in case. I didn't even tell Jake, because it was silly - we knew Tara couldn't carry again and how on earth would we find someone else? How could we even get the strength up to go through the process again?
But we did, and we are. A few weeks ago I dug through one of the bins of precious baby things that did not get handed down and found the moccasins that my sister-in-law gave me when we heard Rudi's heartbeat for the first time. I put them on my dresser, just as I had done with Rudi. I look at them every day to remind myself: A tiny baby is coming to us again. We are blessed beyond measure to have found Sara, and to have found Tara.
How do you process the enormity of other women growing your family?
I'll let you know when I figure it out.
Thank YOU!
Thank you, thank you, thank YOU to everyone who shared the post! YOU found us a surrogate. If you shared that original one and would like to share this one, go ahead. I don't expect this will go viral like that last one did, but I hope lots of people who shared that original one find out that it WORKED! My mind is still blown by that.
*There are no cutesy pictures in here on purpose. Facebook shows the pics as part of the thumbnail when/if people 'share' it, but I don't want it to be a punch in the gut to anyone, so we'll try to keep it a bit more subtle.
Hi there. What an inspiring story. We are looking for a gestational carrier here in Winnipeg. I am wondering if you can share your experience or pass on any useful information that would help us with our journey. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteOh wow, I JUST read this. If you are still looking for help and information, email me at elisabeth.marie@gmail.com
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