Goodbye 2020. Hello 2021. When will Covid be over?

When I wrote this post a week ago, it was already longer than intended and now that I've had more time to think about it, it's going to get even longer. So this is a heads up. It's a long one :)

 Another disclaimer: I tried adding photos. A few worked, most didn't. But if I don't just publish this now, I fear I never will ;)

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Well. This might be my longest break in writing yet. From May to January. Yikers.

Anyway, here we are.

As one does, I've been reflecting on the year. I meant to write this before the clock struck 12 on Dec 31st, but obviously didn't manage it in favor of naps and playing, and now, only a few days later it seems a bit disingenuous to do a year review. Isn't that strange? I'm doing it anyway.

Everyone can agree, 2020 is one for the history books. I really can't imagine how we will talk about this year with our kids - they were so tiny that I can't see it having any lasting impression on them, although Rudi did ask today when Covid will be over. Good question, bud. I said 'maybe summer' and he replied 'maybe fall'. Smart, kid. Don't count your chickens even though the vaccine(s) is coming.

The thing that I've been thinking about the most over this year is what it has taught me. I feel like I learned so much during all this covid lockdown business. And honestly, they are lessons I'm glad to have learned. Am still learning, as our latest lockdown has been extended since people didn't play by the rules over Christmas (grrrrrrr....)

So, in no particular order, and because to truly write this well would require so much more editing than I have time or energy for, let's do a list:

1. Putting the 'Stay at home' in 'Stay at home mom'

    When Rudi was a baby I just wanted to be me and him in a cocoon of two and that was wonderful. When Lindsay was born, I realized quickly how different it is with a toddler around and the days didn't seem to move forward unless we went and DID something. In January, February and early March we went to the library once a week, we went to music class, we went to the community center to play. Part of this was that it's cold to be out with a toddler and a baby and part of it was that I wanted Rudi to run and get tired so he'd nap in the afternoon, but most of it was for me and my mental health. When that got taken away all in one fell swoop in March, I didn't know what to do or how I'd manage. Thankfully, the weather was warming up so  I guess we played outside more - but I honestly don't remember.

What I have learned, though, in all the months since, is that there is a real beauty in a slower pace with more time at home. Rudi is happiest at home with his parents. And he got a lot of that time this year. I learned the days will go by, even if our furthest excursion was the park. I learned to let my kids play (easier as Lindsay gets older and more independent, although now they are 'at' each other more). I learned that they are ok and I am ok with being in and around our house all day. I learned to slow down and let the impromptu moments play out.

Stay-at-home-momming has also been eased greatly by having my sister and nephew close by. We have maintained our households together for most of the pandemic and it is invaluable for all of us to spend time together. Whether she comes over in the afternoon for supper or I drop over there with the kids before lunch - these little moments of spending time together have been a saving grace. It would have been a lot harder for both of us if we didn't have each other.

My sister and our babies in our backyard pool in the heat of the summer :)

2. My mental and physical health is as important as anyone else's in this family

- Society likes to try to sell us the idea that moms and wives should sacrifice themselves for their families. To this I say: Bullshit.

In October I took the plunge and joined an online gym. Why now? I guess I was motivated by my looming 40th birthday, knowing I'd be going back to work soon, and just finally being ready.

Being a good Mennonite, I committed (to myself) that I'd work out 5x a week to make sure I was getting my money's worth and I have to tell you, it's been the single greatest thing I've done for myself (other than pursuing having children through surrogacy) and my mental health. I LOVE it. I look forward to my workouts. I get such an endorphin boost after each one, it's almost comical. I laugh at my own self sometimes about how incredibly happy I am after getting good and sweaty and challenging myself and my body. I feel like if I get in a good workout in the morning, I can handle anything for the rest of the day. Key during total lockdown #2 as the weather gets colder again.

Somewhat interestingly, the mental health benefits for me have far outweighed the physical ones. Those almost seem like a by-product. But they do exist: although I still cannot do a regular pushup, my arms and core are infinitely stronger than when I started. And even though I'm not measuring anything, I've lost inches all over my body. It'll be interesting to see how things progress when eating Christmas cookies isn't part of my routine and also if I'll be able to maintain this pace when I return to work.

I do the workouts while Lindsay has her morning nap, usually, and Rudi watches TV. I feel guilty about this sometimes, but I have to keep reminding myself: My health is important too. And this makes me a better parent, partner, and human. It's worth the tv time. It's also worth all the time not spent doing something else: cleaning, tidying, baking, cooking, playing, laundry-ing, did I mention cleaning? I have to remind myself of this too, when things are piling up and I don't know when or how I'm going to clean the bathroom this week. But I'll take a 45 min workout over cleaning the bathroom any day. 

After my one month trial I hemmed and hawed over whether to continue this membership, and weighed the money and finally came down on the side of: I'm worth it. Is it expensive? YES. Sounds like maybe one of the most expensive gyms in the city, actually, but it is also positive and supportive and engaging and makes me want to continue and work hard. So I signed up for a year. And I'm happy I did. I think I'm even going to be getting up for the 6am workouts once I'm back at work. eek! But I love them that much.

After a prerecorded workout :)

3. Neighbours and Neighbourhoods are awesome

We have never spent so much time in our neighborhood. Never. Part of that is lockdown/stay at home directives, and part is having a baby and a toddler.

I have never been more grateful to live where we live. We visit the park behind our house (when it's not closed) almost daily. We often see our immediate neighbours out there, with their dog who loves Rudi. 

We go to other parks a few times a week. Within walking distance of our house we can go to 4 city playgrounds, a splash pad and a wading pool (in the summer) multiple fields/green spaces, one 'play cafe' (when it's open) and one outdoor art gallery. We have visited all of these places many many times this year.

Right now, it's winter and we are in a strict lockdown. Nothing is open, stores can only sell essentials in person, and we are not supposed to travel. 

It has also been a mild winter so far and people in our neighbourhood have responded by creating an elaborate network of paths and rinks on the frozen river that is a half block from our house. It's truly astounding. There are hockey rinks (one with boards!), a curling rink, skating trails, walking trails, a xcountry ski trail, multiple quinzy's, fire pits, benches, chairs, toboggan runs...it is basically a winter wonderland all created by people who live in this area. We go down there daily and we always run into people we know. It is simply the best best best. It changes the isolation of lockdown into a neighbourhood party (distanced, with masks, outside). It makes one feel not alone. And since no one has any plans, everyone is there. It is wonderful.

4. Getting outside is key

I mean, this is my life all the time. But I'm oh so grateful that our family enjoys being outside, that we love camping and adventuring, and that those activities are still available to us. We try to get outside every day and thankfully both kids love it. Even Lindsay, when I say 'time to go outside' will go to the backdoor and wait for me to throw all her outdoor clothes on the floor so she can roll around on them before we put them on. Rudi often has to be convinced to come back inside. 

Right now it's winter, and it's warm. Really, in the grand scheme of things, it's a bit scary for it to be this warm (-5ish, low -11ish) at the beginning of January. There are major changes in our climate here if this is our new normal. But as my very wise sister-in-law said, this is a year to give yourself permission to just enjoy the mild weather. I mean, keep trying to reduce your carbon footprint (I guess not traveling helps there also), but don't feel guilty about surviving lockdown in a milder than usual winter. 

And I have to say, it is totally saving us. We can be outside moving at Lindsay speed for 2 hours without the kids or I getting cold. That is HUGE. If we were looking at a month or more of -30 with nothing open, we'd be having a much harder time.

5. Anti-racist

I guess this isn't covid-related, but it happened in 2020, so in it goes.

I spent half of my teaching career being the only white person in the room (most of the time). I have learned so much about different cultures and groups that live in Winnipeg. I did not know about being 'anti-racist' as opposed to 'tolerant' and I have the Black Lives Matter movement and Ibram X. Kendi to thank for that. Of course, lock down and physical distancing and the mostly-white demographic of our neighborhood means that Rudi now thinks that only adults can have dark skin (insert eyeroll emoji here). BUT we talk about it and think about it and I am committed to continuing the conversations about race and privilege with my white and privileged children and I am thankful for the education about what is really required of white families to be allies to this movement. 

I bought a store of books about race to further educate myself and my kids and one of them is called 'Anti-Racist Baby'. Truthfully, it's a hard book for me to read. Mostly because systemic racism is very hard to explain to a 3 year old, and it's not a story. It's a series of reminders and prompts for caregivers, really, to not shy away from or stop talking about the realities of living in different skin colours. 

Honestly, the fact that I find it uncomfortable to read means I need to read it every day. My discomfort is a signal of my privilege, that teaching my children these truths is not a matter of life or death. 

In light of what happened in the US the other day with white people storming the Capitol building while the police stood by and watched (basically) AND the increased rhetoric of veiled white supremacy here, these conversations are now more crucial than ever.

Fall Camping at Hecla

6. How much we travel

I haven't left Canada since my family went to Mexico together in 2018. Before that, it had a been a few years. I don't think of myself as someone who travels. But sheesh, that is a lie. We travel A TON. We probably put fewer kms on our car this year of any year. We didn't fly anywhere. We kept watching our bank account accrue money and we were so confused about where it came from - but the difference was travel. In 2020 we cancelled trips to Tofino/Ucluelet (and everywhere inbetween here and there), Ontario, and Nova Scotia. The furthest we traveled from our house was to Northwestern Manitoba, at Duck Mountain Provincial Park. We did spend some time in NW Ontario, but the furthest away we went was still less than 300km from home. In a year where we had been (ambitiously) planning to go coast to coast with our baby and toddler, this was a stark contrast. Turns out, it was fine that we didn't do all those things because Lindsay is (still) not a great sleeper and was up at 5am for a good stretch of the summer so we were pretty freaking tired for most of the time.

Similar to learning how to be at home with my kids and still have time move forward, it was ok to travel less and go to fewer places. The summer was nice and relaxed. We still did lots of great camping, but we had the time we needed to recuperate in between trips. We were definitely a little over ambitious about the energy expenditure required to camp with two small humans! Looking forward to next year when it is still more manageable.

7. Having family far flung across the country is not sustainable/liveable in the long term if you can't travel

We have missed family and friends terribly. Jake's sister and her kids have not met Lindsay. This is a common thread for everyone who is living through this pandemic, especially in a country like Canada where people tend to be spread out. There's no solution to this, of course. We don't want to move, and neither do they. But I was very thankful my mom and sister are so physically close by. We have been able to continue seeing each other which is a huge blessing, made all the more apparent by the absence of visits with family further away.

8. Thank freaking goodness for technology!

Zoom and video calls were a saving grace of this year. Is it the same as seeing someone you love in real life? Not a freaking chance. But it is significantly better than not seeing them at all.

For Jake's birthday in November I organized a trivia night with some friends via zoom. It went ok, and at the end we decided to do it again in two weeks. Why not? No one has anything else to do! And then we did it again in two more weeks, even though that was Boxing day and normally people would be busy with a half million parties and gatherings or be out of the country. We're going to do it again next week because why the heck not. It's been a highlight of our winter to have this touchstone with these friends and neighbours. 

I'm so grateful for this and all the other ways we were able to connect. For Lindsay's first birthday party, our families were able to 'meet' Sara, Lindsay's surrogate, for the first time. It was chaotic and beautiful and so deeply 2020. The people on that zoom call were located everywhere from down the street to Nova Scotia to Alberta. So grateful we could see each other in the absence of having the party and celebration we wanted to have. 

My highschool friends did a secret santa gift exchange and opened our gifts together on zoom across 3 provinces and it was so wonderful.

My weekly drinks date with my women has gone on throughout lockdown with zoom and a baking exchange, and I'm grateful for that too.

When we are having a long day we will often just call someone because everyone is home. And people aren't busy. And that is a blessing too.

9.  Living with uncertainty

We all have to do this to varying degrees all the time - but 2020 really pushed things to the extreme. I remember struggling so much during the March lockdown - but FOR HOW LONG WILL IT BE LIKE THIS! I NEED TO KNOW! Of course, in hindsight, it was comical to care so much because I have now arrived at a place of zen indifference (on my best days). This is helped infinitely by news of a vaccine, and my mood-boosting workouts, and our daily routine that makes the days go by at a reasonable pace. Of course, I am as eager as the next person for covid to be over, as Rudi says, so life can go back to 'normal'. But I have also learned to put it out of my mind, to put it in the category of things I can't control and so aren't worth spending energy on (of course, tell that to my brain at 3am, but mostly I succeed at this). 

Also, I'm kind of enjoying the new normal - home more, in our neighbourhood more, seeing the people who live around us more, playing more, 'doing' less, and 'being' more. 

10. Work. What work?

I did not teach at all in 2020. Not planned to avoid a pandemic, it just worked out that way. I guess this one is more about what  I will learn, or will not have to learn because I missed it. Will I have to teach remotely? I don't know. I will have to figure out google classroom because that will be expected access from now on, probably. I will have to learn how to teach with a mask on all day. I will have to learn how to pace my classes for every-other-day attendance. I will have to learn how to recognize faces from their eyes only. My return to work date is Feb 8th. It is uncomfortably close. I never thought I'd want to be a stay-at-home-mom forever, but I've kind of mellowed into it over this past year. But the transition back to work will never get easier, so I will go back. And after a week or two (or however long it takes Lindsay to figure out daycare) it will be ok. I just keep repeating that to myself.

 11. How introverted I really am

I am actually not sure how I'll adjust to when we can be more social. Or to teaching students all day. Or seeing people regularly who aren't my family. It took a while, but I've finally learned to lean in to this slower pace to the point where what I crave most is time alone. I mean, I miss my friends, but what I really want is to just be by myself. Jake doesn't even ask if he can make plans, he just lets me know he's going out. He knows that I love time alone :) 

 The flip side is that because there is so much less social output required of me, I have oodles more energy when an opportunity does present itself. So that's an interesting take/spin.

 Part of this also is that even if there was no covid, we would be quite limited in how much we could take on in terms of social time: we are still bound by a 2 nap schedule and early bedtimes for both kids. But, I'm a-ok with it for now. It probably helps that I know I'm not missing out on much - every one is in the same boat.

11. How freaking lucky and privileged we are/I am

Again and again and again it is reinforced: 

I am so lucky/blessed/fortunate to:

- have a beautiful house I love and enjoy spending time in

- live in a place of physical and emotional safety

- have my kids and have them be too young to have to explain much pandemic business to them

- have stable income

- be married to my best friend

- live in a neighbourhood with lots of family friendly infrastructure

- be healthy and have my family be healthy

- not have serious personal tragedy befall me or my family this year

- not to have to mourn a family member without being able to gather together (so far).

- not have run out of toilet paper in the great TP crisis of 2020

- to have the time, energy and resources to get outside in most weather with my family

- to have support from my mom and sister close by

- to have technology to connect with others

The list goes on. I'm starting to repeat myself. But really. We have so many tangible advantages that enable us to handle this pandemic, and not to recognize that daily is a sin if there ever was one.

This has turned into a real beast of an entry. If you made it to the end, congrats. If not, that's ok. It's more for me to look back on than anything else.

I'm sure there's more to write about what I learned. But what I come back to again and again is about learning how to just be. Just be in your house. Just be with your kids. Just be with your partner or family or neighbourhood. And let the rest go. It's a hard but worthy lesson to have learned, and I'm grateful for it.