Outta here, Uterus

*disclaimer: I don't blame anyone in this post for how things have gone with my reproductive health. Our systems are to blame, but I believe they are getting better*

I have wanted a hysterectomy since I was a teenager. My periods were so painful - fevers, throwing up, crippling pain for days - that I could not fathom why anyone should have to go through this monthly torture. 

The only thing that made me hold on was my mom's assurances that the cramps would become less after I had a baby - that's what happened for her and she was sure that's what would happen for me too. Since I always knew I wanted to be a mom, I thought, well, this is just what it is. Neither mom or I knew about endometriosis, or that periods should not be so painful; some people just got the painful 'luck of the draw' with periods.

I figured out coping mechanisms. In high school I stayed home a lot. I sometimes had to get my aunt to pick me up and take me home from school. I took a lot of advil and had one of those rice bags you heat up in the microwave. I could never get it hot enough, though - the heat could never get deep enough inside to help. Mostly, it was just something to get through.

In university, like many others my age, I read 'The Red Tent' by Anita Diamant and my attitude towards my period shifted: Why couldn't WE celebrate and take a break when we were bleeding? Stop the jobs of the world and just relax? Of course, college doesn't work that way, and neither does society. I kept up with the advil, heat, and discovered alcohols miraculous effect on cramps.

My friends all knew that when I had cramps I could do nothing else. I lay in my bed, writhing in pain, for hours, sometimes days. It was just seen as 'normal', if unfortunate.

When I met Jake and we pursued having a family I thought 'finally. All this pain and sacrifice will come to something, be FOR something' but when it became slowly, painfully clear that I could not get pregnant, my disdain for my uterus and monthly ritual of pain only grew. I was officially diagnosed with endometriosis which explained the pain and most likely explained the infertility.

I should note that there is treatment for endometriosis - it usually involves stopping the period in some way - the pill or an IUD. But I have always just wanted my uterus gone. It has never provided me with anything other than pain - mental, emotional and physical. 

Taking the pill, even continuously, didn't quite do it. Every other procedure that had anything to do with my cervix or uterus was so incredibly painful I could not even fathom having an IUD just live in there semi-permanently.

I got my period when I was 13 or 14. For 26 years, give or take a few months when I was on the pill for IVF or inducing lactation, I have been sick and in crippling pain for 3-5 days a month. Even now, in my 40s the pain was sometimes so intense it stopped me in my tracks. I worked through the pain, parented through the pain, and did all the adult things required of me through the pain - but I shouldn't have had to.

I have asked for a hysterectomy for years; since it became clear I could not have children I have asked seriously. Finally, my doctor agreed that it could be done.

I had surgery 2 days ago. Not going to lie - the first day was ROUGH. I do not get along with anesthesia and when I explained to the anesthetist that maybe I could have some anti-nausea drugs he said 'well, these abdominal surgeries are the worst, especially if you're prone to motion sickness', so basically, I knew I was screwed. But honestly, my first thought when I was coming to after the surgery, in pain and so ill, was 'just like IVF, no one does this because they think it will be easier or because they want to; they do it because they have to'. My nausea is gone, and honestly, the other pain is about on par with what I would normally get for a regular period - so, seems like a freaking good tradeoff to me. Even if I feel like this for the next week (I won't - I'm feeling better every day), I'm gaining SO MANY DAYS of pain-free time.

While all my friends and family have been supportive of this choice of mine, some have a harder time understanding it than others. I guess some people are emotionally attached to their uterus' and if you can use yours to grow babies, that would make sense. But I have never felt that way towards mine - it has always been like a foreign body attacking me from the inside out. I'm so relieved it's gone.

I'm not a doctor, and I know that going under general anesthetic is always a risk; I do get why they don't just hand out surgeries willy-nilly. But this hysterectomy is a huge quality-of-life changer for me and I am so glad it's done. I'm grateful my doctor could do it, grateful she found a way to squeeze me in to a packed surgical schedule, and grateful for the healthcare system that means I don't have to pay out of pocket.

 I am SO EXCITED to not have my life be dominated by cramps any more. I can barely fathom it.

 Anyway, just wanted to mark this life event. Thanks for reading.