Inward
When I was 18, I went to Europe for a year with Intermenno, an exchange program of sorts that no longer exists, sadly.
I learned a lot of things that year: German, how to make soup, how to wash different kinds of lettuce (there are a lot of kinds of lettuce), that cups dropped on a brick floor break much more readily than cups dropped on a linoleum floor, Swiss German, how to take trains and travel around the continent, how to take care of a man (die maenner muessen versorged sein) - which now sounds a lot dirtier than it did then. Back then it referred to doing their laundry and cooking their food the way they liked it. It also sometimes meant cleaning my host-brother's apartment, which I was strongly against doing. I remember clearly saying to my host mother 'Other people have jobs and are gone all day and then come home and cook their own food and clean their own houses'. I think she didn't quite know what to do with me...
But anyway, I digress.
The most important thing, and the one that has stuck with me (the German has faded quite dramatically) the most is how to be by myself.
At my second placement I lived with a couple in their 60s, their 30ish son, and their 90ish mother. Atypically for Germany, we lived out of town, on the land that the men farmed. I spent a lot of time by myself. Like, REALLY by myself. I had to learn how to look inward for energy, inspiration, meaning, and fun. I realized that this situation would be what I made of it, and what I made of it was mostly in my head and how I looked at things.
We are coming up on our last round of embryos. After this 'try' there will be no more in the freezer, and if it doesn't work, it seems unlikely that we will continue down this path. This is a very very very hard place to be.
The reality of life without kids is staring us hard in the face, and I don't like it.
I am trying to harness my brain in the way that I did as an 18/19 year old in Germany, but it is difficult. My brain is playing all kinds of tricks on me and looping around so frantically that I can't make sense of what I think or what I feel. I do not like being in that situation; especially right now because if I can't get a handle on my thoughts and feelings, I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work.
I feel like I'm grieving in advance, which is madness but also appears to be unavoidable. I cried at a massage the other day, and then at yoga today. My sadness is so close to the surface, so easily triggered, it's like I need to find a way to release it for there to be even a small chance of my finding inner/inward peace; and I REALLY want to find that peace.
I have been praying about this for a long time. It's a constant refrain. It used to be 'please let this one work!' but in the past year or so it has morphed into 'please give me peace'.
On Saturday I'm going to trek out to one of my favorite places in Manitoba and sit with God/Nature/Mother Earth and listen. I'm going to try to listen REALLY HARD.
If you are one of the people praying for me, please pray for inner peace. Please help me listen to Creation for whatever answer lies there.
I learned a lot of things that year: German, how to make soup, how to wash different kinds of lettuce (there are a lot of kinds of lettuce), that cups dropped on a brick floor break much more readily than cups dropped on a linoleum floor, Swiss German, how to take trains and travel around the continent, how to take care of a man (die maenner muessen versorged sein) - which now sounds a lot dirtier than it did then. Back then it referred to doing their laundry and cooking their food the way they liked it. It also sometimes meant cleaning my host-brother's apartment, which I was strongly against doing. I remember clearly saying to my host mother 'Other people have jobs and are gone all day and then come home and cook their own food and clean their own houses'. I think she didn't quite know what to do with me...
But anyway, I digress.
The most important thing, and the one that has stuck with me (the German has faded quite dramatically) the most is how to be by myself.
At my second placement I lived with a couple in their 60s, their 30ish son, and their 90ish mother. Atypically for Germany, we lived out of town, on the land that the men farmed. I spent a lot of time by myself. Like, REALLY by myself. I had to learn how to look inward for energy, inspiration, meaning, and fun. I realized that this situation would be what I made of it, and what I made of it was mostly in my head and how I looked at things.
We are coming up on our last round of embryos. After this 'try' there will be no more in the freezer, and if it doesn't work, it seems unlikely that we will continue down this path. This is a very very very hard place to be.
The reality of life without kids is staring us hard in the face, and I don't like it.
I am trying to harness my brain in the way that I did as an 18/19 year old in Germany, but it is difficult. My brain is playing all kinds of tricks on me and looping around so frantically that I can't make sense of what I think or what I feel. I do not like being in that situation; especially right now because if I can't get a handle on my thoughts and feelings, I don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work.
I feel like I'm grieving in advance, which is madness but also appears to be unavoidable. I cried at a massage the other day, and then at yoga today. My sadness is so close to the surface, so easily triggered, it's like I need to find a way to release it for there to be even a small chance of my finding inner/inward peace; and I REALLY want to find that peace.
I have been praying about this for a long time. It's a constant refrain. It used to be 'please let this one work!' but in the past year or so it has morphed into 'please give me peace'.
On Saturday I'm going to trek out to one of my favorite places in Manitoba and sit with God/Nature/Mother Earth and listen. I'm going to try to listen REALLY HARD.
If you are one of the people praying for me, please pray for inner peace. Please help me listen to Creation for whatever answer lies there.
Peace be with you.
ReplyDeletePeace be with you.
ReplyDeletepraying for you … peace.. love ..
ReplyDeleteJoanne and Reg
I feel the best way to pray for someone is to share experiences, that is my definition of prayer
ReplyDeleteWhen I lost my spouse in 2006 I had not expected the deep Grieving that was to come. When my brother was diagnosed with cancer last February with 18 months to live I grieved in anticipation of his future demise. I understand grief and how the emotions become so raw that it explodes in outbursts of deep sobbing. You are experiencing a very deep loss and obviously experiencing the emotional consequence. You are correct in thinking that only you deep within yourself can make your own happiness. We are all responsible to move forward once we have grieved. It takes time but time heals. Eventually one must reach deep within and see how beautiful life is and the many ways we can make life fulfilling,happy and loving. It's all within us not in the exterior.
I feel the best way to pray for someone is to share experiences, that is my definition of prayer
ReplyDeleteWhen I lost my spouse in 2006 I had not expected the deep Grieving that was to come. When my brother was diagnosed with cancer last February with 18 months to live I grieved in anticipation of his future demise. I understand grief and how the emotions become so raw that it explodes in outbursts of deep sobbing. You are experiencing a very deep loss and obviously experiencing the emotional consequence. You are correct in thinking that only you deep within yourself can make your own happiness. We are all responsible to move forward once we have grieved. It takes time but time heals. Eventually one must reach deep within and see how beautiful life is and the many ways we can make life fulfilling,happy and loving. It's all within us not in the exterior.