Round and round we go, where we stop, nobody knows (but really...nobody knows)
A few weeks ago we went to Ontario to visit Jake's dad and step-mom. While we were there we went to the McMichael Art Gallery to look around. I highly recommend this gallery. It's not far from the Toronto airport, has a restaurant and is gorgeous inside and out; the grounds are just as impressive as the collections of art inside, which is saying something. (Sadly, both times we've been there the weather has not been conducive to wandering around outside - it was pouring the first time and -25 (which is like -45 anywhere else ;)) the second.)
The McMichael is a private art collection that has been turned into a museum/gallery that is open to the public and houses many many Group of Seven and other forms of iconic Canadian Art. The first time we went we were eager to see 'our' Lawren Harris painting (hanging above our fireplace); they have the original.
Sometimes I feel very at peace; what will be will be.
Sometimes I google things frantically, trying to find an answer and think about ways to talk my doctor into letting me take drugs for something that might be wrong, but that we don't know for sure.
Sometimes I have an uncanny feeling that we're going to end up with twins, or more kids than we can handle.
Sometimes I am pretty sure that this is it. And that I'm going to hire a cleaning person and not feel at all bad about having someone else clean my house twice a month because I don't have to pay for day care and can afford it. And I hate cleaning.
Sometimes I plan all the holidays that we'll take our nieces and nephews on and the places we'll show them because we will have money and time and when they are all teenagers and they're pissed at their parents they'll yell 'Jake and Elisabeth would let me! I HATE YOU! I'm going to live with them!'.
Round and round and round and round....If only a telegram could come from heaven with some kind of message. 'Just stop' or 'keep going!' or 'get a homestudy so you're at least ready for the unexpected...'
That would be super helpful.
The McMichael is a private art collection that has been turned into a museum/gallery that is open to the public and houses many many Group of Seven and other forms of iconic Canadian Art. The first time we went we were eager to see 'our' Lawren Harris painting (hanging above our fireplace); they have the original.
When we were done our tour and hadn't seen it, we went to the desk to ask about it. Turns out, the McMichael has tons of art that they rotate through; everything is not out at once. Ours was in storage, among 100s of others.
This time, before we even left Winnipeg, Jake asked 'What do you think the odds are that they'll have our painting out?' 'Slim', I said, (ever the optimist!).
What do you think we saw in the very first gallery? The one you walk through to get to the rest of the place?
Yup, there it hung. My first thought was 'Miracles DO happen! Maybe there is a chance...' followed quickly by 'It's smaller than ours!'
My head goes in circles. Not fast, quick, frantic circles but slow, meandering, repeating and contradictory circles. The kind where you're not really sure if what you are thinking is REALLY what you are thinking; maybe you're just compensating for what you're really thinking. Confused? Me too.
Sometimes I think I am calmer now, more resigned and getting ready to accept a life without children.
Sometimes I think that it just doesn't feel right to not have kids; that it can't be 'the plan' for us - we'd be such good parents! Plus we have a park in our back yard! OF COURSE we're going to have children! Just maybe not in the way we had thought....but what the heck does that mean? And how far do we go down that road? Home study? Signing up for adoption against the odds?
Most of the time I don't believe God has an individual plan for each person on the earth; one of my students tried to commit suicide today by taking 40 pain killers because she is so depressed and her mother doesn't believe her - THAT is not God's plan for anyone. If God doesn't have a plan for her, why would there be a plan for me?
Most of the time I can't decide how much action to take and how much to leave up to the universe/God.
All the time I want people's prayers; most of the time I'm not sure what I want them to pray for.
Most of the time I can't figure out what next. Where do we go if IVF doesn't work? How many times do we try it?
Sometimes I google things frantically, trying to find an answer and think about ways to talk my doctor into letting me take drugs for something that might be wrong, but that we don't know for sure.
Sometimes I have an uncanny feeling that we're going to end up with twins, or more kids than we can handle.
Sometimes I am pretty sure that this is it. And that I'm going to hire a cleaning person and not feel at all bad about having someone else clean my house twice a month because I don't have to pay for day care and can afford it. And I hate cleaning.
Sometimes I plan all the holidays that we'll take our nieces and nephews on and the places we'll show them because we will have money and time and when they are all teenagers and they're pissed at their parents they'll yell 'Jake and Elisabeth would let me! I HATE YOU! I'm going to live with them!'.
Round and round and round and round....If only a telegram could come from heaven with some kind of message. 'Just stop' or 'keep going!' or 'get a homestudy so you're at least ready for the unexpected...'
That would be super helpful.
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