Good News

I still can't believe that I am sitting here at my computer, typing (yet another) draft of this post. I've been writing it in my head for a long time - over 4 years. Sometimes with potential excitement, other times more as gallows humor, and there have been long dark stretches where I pushed it down and away because I never thought it would get written.

But here we finally are.

Jake and I are going to be parents.

Oh my word, even typing that out loud feels like temping fate, like I'm inviting more grief upon ourselves. But that is the last 4 years of waiting, despairing, praying, hoping, crying and trying talking.

We are both re-learning how to be excited and trust this good news. 

So how did we get here, you are probably wondering. I am not pregnant, and never will be.

We are parents-to-be due to the incredible gift of a dear friend, who is carrying our child for us. I'll do another post with surrogacy FAQs and answers, but for now, let me make a clumsy attempt to express the miracle this is.

May of 2016 was the worst month of my life. I can say that without hesitation or qualification. Our last embryos had not 'stuck' and grown and I could not stop crying. I felt like I was falling, falling, falling and I didn't know when I'd hit bottom. I wanted to hit bottom, but I just kept feeling worse. In the middle of this terrible time, we were desperate and ballsy enough to send an email that changed our lives.

It was a long shot, we thought, but as stated above, we had nothing left to lose and a hail Mary pass was better than nothing. To our incredible surprise this friend, M, and her husband (not her real initial; we are keeping their identities private) responded to our inquiry of whether they'd think about growing our baby for us with unbridled enthusiasm and excitement that has not abated to this day.

Throughout the process to be approved and make it to a 'try' (and it IS a process), they have been excited, motivated, available, encouraging, positive, mind-blowingly generous, and still deeply understanding of our pain, numbness, and caution.

There really aren't words to express the gratitude we feel to M and her family for being willing, motivated and above all EXCITED to do this for us (I know that I've used the word 'excited' 3 times already. I'm trying to come up with alternatives, but that really is the best word to fit her mood). This is the kind of gift that can never be repaid, it can only be accepted as gracefully and humbly as possible.

For Jake and I, the shift from numbness and grief and always protecting ourselves to excited anticipation is ongoing. It does not happen all at once. We have allowed ourselves to attach to this good news in stages.

First, M being approved and paperwork finalized. This involved 3 doctors, 2 lawyers, tons of appts, counselling, and 5 months. Phewf!

Second, another successful round of IVF for us (mostly me ;)). I can easily see why people get hooked on fentanyl - that's the drug they give for the egg retrieval procedure, and due to my ongoing trauma with all things related to my parts, I was an emotional wreck. I asked them, through tears, to give me the maximum dose and bless them - they did. It numbs all pain - physical and emotional and bonus! Lasts all day!

Third, successful transfer, where they put 1 embryo in M  - M and I both didn't even realize it was done till they said 'you can get up now!' Very different from when they were transferring to me!

Fourth, and this is still so unbelievable to me - a positive home pregnancy test. ON THE FIRST TRY!!!! To say I was (yet again) a wreck leading up to the day we'd find out is an understatement. I had a full-on panic attack and fully lost any semblance of 'with-it-ness' I had gathered about me. When M told us she had tested twice over 3 days and both times it was positive, we were both in full shock. And officially in uncharted territory. At this point we were happy, but still so very very cautious. I'd say we were 10% happy and 90% cautious. We told our families (this was before Christmas) with lots of disclaimers like 'Miscarriage is still very possible'. We never said, or even thought about, the fact that a positive test might result in a baby. We didn't talk about being parents. We focused solely on the positive test. We stated facts, things like 'M is pregnant'. When people responded with enthusiasm, or excitement or congratulations, we would caution them and say '1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage'. My mom finally said to me 'Elisabeth, it's going to be a normal baby!' and my sister-in-law, after I had issued the standard 'We're not counting our chickens yet', responded 'Can't you just count one!?!? Ok, well, I'm counting for you!' Jake and I said to each other 'when do we get to be happy?' or 'When will this feel real?' It is hard to jump in to good news when you've been mired in hurt for so long you are numb through and through.

Fifth, and this was a bigger step, when we saw the heartbeat at 7 weeks. It was just chugging along merrily, measuring perfectly for its age - this little floating blob. That was a big step. Later, we were practicing being happy and Jake said to me 'We're going to be parents!' I couldn't believe it. Also, this same day, we got our first baby gift - handmade baby mukluks from my sister-in-law. I cried. I cried because it was a tangible gift of hope and also because my sister-in-law had 1 baby and is about to have another while we've been going through this and I haven't been able to be there for her. And yet, she was so excited for me. Hit me right in the feels, as they say.

Sixth, where we are now. Just starting the 2nd trimester with everything looking normal and good. M is feeling great - her energy is fine, she's still so excited that she's helping us become parents. She's had some morning sickness but she says it's manageable. She gives great hugs and is taking amazing care of our little nugget, who she says moves around like crazy.

I am still grappling with lots of feelings, as you might imagine.

I'm starting to allow myself to indulge in plans and day-dreams. Jake and I talk about names a lot (mostly ridiculous suggestions like 'Sofa' because we are both teachers and have given each other veto-power. Thus perfectly acceptable names like 'Julian' are off the table because a Julian lit a fire in my classroom once). We bought a travel-bed and an infant life-jacket, so we're basically prepared for anything.

I also feel deeply surprised and grateful when people are excited for us. Surprised because I haven't been able to be excited for anyone. I have isolated myself from many people who have had babies in the last 4 years (still haven't had the courage to count, but it's around 20 babies) and have sent the most cursory congratulations to them, if that. To ask for or expect excitement and support from people feels wrong and hypocritical. I know that I have damaged or strained some friendships, but I couldn't do it any other way; I needed all my energy for myself and I didn't have any to spare for others. Not fun for anyone. Thankfully, so thankfully, I am feeling strong enough to reach back out to people, and mostly, they are reaching back.

A big (actually, HUGE) part of my desire to share this news so widely is actually not even the fact that we get to be parents, believe it or not. It's at least 45% that we FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT! We found the right variable to change! The OVEN! So many hours worrying, thinking, researching about what I could do to make it work - turns out - NOTHING! My uterus just plain doesn't work, probably because of endometriosis, although that is not for sure. The fact that we have had a solid result with both rounds of IVF (multiple healthy embryos) means that we are actually, in someways, fertile - I just can't grow them! (wish didn't have to take quite so much time and tears to figure it out, but sometimes there's no other way...). I know that every baby is a miracle, that life is miraculous, and this baby is no more special in that way than any other. However, there is one major difference: this baby is a freaking ACCOMPLISHMENT. We worked HARD for it, harder than I ever thought I would or could.

Another 45% of the reason for this post/'announcement' is to talk about (and more of that is coming) and advocate for the miracle of surrogacy. We only get to be doing this because our friend is excited about the ultimate baby-sitting gig. She, her husband and the rest of her family are willing to sacrifice for us to have a family. That is a miracle in and of itself.

So that leaves about 10% to be excited about the actual baby coming to live in our actual world in August.

So I guess, all that to say, Yes we are going to be parents and Yes we are getting excited about it. The lessons learned are still there, and I am still working through grief and trauma from the past 4 years. I don't know when that will go away.

But I will say this: I haven't slept through the night (like, up for 2 or 3 hours in the middle) or slept in on weekends for years. YEARS. And ever since we saw the heartbeat, I have been sleeping till the alarm (mostly) and on the weekends, if we aren't going skiing, I can relax in bed in the morning. (I know, now is the part where all the parents say 'Good! Get your sleep now! You'll need it!) My mind is calmer, my soul is more peaceful, and I don't have to work quite so hard to be myself.

Thank you to everyone who has read this, who cares about us, who has been walking with us, even when we didn't see you, and even sometimes when I pulled myself away.

We are keenly aware of what we have to be grateful about and I thank the Creator every day.