So...how does Surrogacy work, anyway?
I haven't done a lot of writing about the process and details of things, but now I feel like it's important; not so that you all know what we did and didn't do, but so that people know how it works (for us) so that they are informed and can talk about our situation accurately. Also, I would LOVE it if someone reading this stuff became inspired to be a gestational carrier for someone else. That would be AMAZING. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I was going to structure this as FAQs, but it was boring. So let's just do this conversationally.
The official term for M is a gestational carrier; she is not related at all to the embryo/fetus/baby. The embryo that was put in her by the doctor is made up of my egg and J's sperm (why is the word 'sperm' awkward? Makes no sense); it is our biological child. Sometimes I use the word surrogate to refer to M, as this is a word that is a) shorter and b) most people understand more readily than 'gestational carrier'. Sometimes, though, a surrogate donates her own egg to the process, meaning she IS related to the child. This is rare these days, what with IVF and all.
Sometimes people want to know how the process of getting knocked up works, with a 3rd (and 4th, since her hubs has had to be involved too!) person. Truthfully, it is not that different than when I was trying to get knocked up via IVF. I gave myself needles of 'gonal F' and 'Luveris' for 10 days (they don't really hurt, but you do get kind of tender) and grew way more eggs than is normal (so many I could literally feel my ovaries when I moved/walked/did anything - that's the closest I'll ever be to pregnant). When the egg sacs were big enough (mature), I had to give myself the only painful shot (HCG - human growth hormone), and then 36 hours later, the doctor gave me lovely lovely fentanyl and went in and got 'em. Then they mix them with Jake's spermies and we wait. Once they grow for 5 days, they put the embryos in the freezer. Then we waited for M to be ready. She tracked her ovulation and once she got the smiley face on the LH surge kit (too technical? That's the hormone that surges when you ovulate), she started taking progesterone to mimic what would happen if she had gotten pregnant naturally, just like I had done. Then, 5 days later (because the embryos were 5 days old), we went back to the dr, they thawed 1 embryo (fun fact: transferring multiple embryos is getting less and less common when it comes to IVF because risks of multiples. The drs really want everyone to have have babies one at a time) and popped it inside her uterus. And then we waited some more. 10 days after that, M took a home pregnancy kit and it was positive! And then she took another 2 days later and it was also positive! And then she told us, and we were floored. She didn't tell us right away because I had a massive panic attack related to waiting for these results and decided I could only handle knowing once, the day before the official blood test, which did indeed confirm she was pregnant.
As you might imagine, getting the doctors to put our genetic tissue in someone who is not us requires some paperwork. Legal paperwork. The interesting thing about this paperwork is that it is not actually enforceable by the laws of our province. It is called an 'agreement', not a contract, and the basic gist of it is: the baby is Jake and Elisabeth's, and M and her hubs agree that it is Jake and Elisabeth's. The baby cannot inherit anything from M and hubs because it is not theirs and M and hubs agree to give the baby to Jake and Elisabeth. There's other stuff too, like what happens if we die or get divorced, or if they get divorced, or if M is sick or if the baby is sick, but that's mostly what it boils down to. The laws in Manitoba state that whoever births a child is the mother, and if she is married to a man, that man is the father, no matter what the biology of the child is. Arrangements like ours are not uncommon, even here in a province with a small population, but the current government is not interested in amending or changing the law to recognize surrogacy/gestational carriers because it is seen as making things 'too easy' for same-sex couples to have children. (Get ready for a rant...) Putting aside whatever ideological ideas anyone has about whether two men or two women should raise children, can we all just agree that finding a woman to carry and birth your child for you, to basically give you her body for A YEAR or MORE so you can have a kid is NOT EASY and will never ever be anyone's EASY WAY OUT!?!??!!? It is hard. It is expensive, emotionally draining, time consuming and is something people do when they are out of other options. It relies on the most incredible generosity of a woman (and often her partner) who, after all they have already done for the intended parents, then have to also be willing to stand up in front of a judge and say 'this baby is not ours, it belongs to THE BIOLOGICAL PARENTS who obviously wanted it SO BADLY they moved heaven and earth to make it happen'. Ok, rant over. For now.
In Canada, only altruistic surrogacy/gestational carrier arrangements are allowed. This means that the gestational carrier is not allowed to be paid for the service of growing a human. Intended Parents (that's the official name for people like Jake and I) can (and should!) reimburse her for pregnancy related costs (medication, maternity clothes, missed work for appts, etc) but we are not allowed to pay her a womb rental fee, as it were. The thought is that by eliminating the pay aspect, the women who are offering to grow humans for other people are doing it out of the kindness and goodness of their heart (and womb), and also, hopefully, aren't being exploited. This is also where things get tricky, because there are many many more couples like Jake and I, desperate but unable to be parents, than there are women ready and willing to be gestational carriers. We were lucky that M was so willing and excited. Often, gestational carriers are friends or family to the couple. It is very likely that our nugget will be an only child; to have another we'd have to find another gestational carrier, which is a long shot.
The requirements to be a gestational carrier will vary slightly according to each fertility clinic. In Manitoba, there is only 1 clinic, so they get to make the rules. For them, a gestational carrier has be healthy (duh), be younger than 42, be done having her own family, and has to have given birth at least once before without serious complications.
A common reaction to our news has been 'You're so lucky! You get to have a baby AND (fill in the blank) go to Thermea, drink wine, eat sushi, etc etc' Here's the things:
Yes, I/we am/are lucky. Our friend is doing this enormous favour for us and giving up those things for 9 months PLUS delivering a child so we can have a family. We are VERY lucky.
However, there is never, not one second EVER where I don't wish that all of the medicine, time, energy, and invasive interventions had worked and I was the one who was able to be pregnant. The gift of surrogacy is a wonderful experience in its own right, but I nearly killed myself trying to get pregnant, and I still wish it had worked. I would very gladly give up all of those things if I could have.
People often want to know if the baby feels like mine/ours rather than M's. First, the biggest thing to understand about surrogacy is that everyone goes in to this very long process knowing that the intended parents are the parents. There are so many steps along the way that reinforce the arrangement that is being made, and there is nothing sexy or mysterious about the appts to check uterine lining, ovulation, hormone levels, etc. It's all very clinical and sterile, and we were all there every step of the way. Second, the embryos are the product of so much work. SO MUCH WORK. I'm not just talking about the needles, or the time, or even the money. I'm talking about the emotional investment in putting us through the process of making them. The first round we were both full of hope, sure it would work for us eventually. The only question in my head was whether my eggs were any good; once we learned that they were good, and we had multiple embryos, I thought for sure we'd have enough 'tries' to have 2 kids...maybe even 3. The second round, I had no such illusions. I didn't take the needles at exactly the same time every day, I didn't stress about it; I was so numb and so emotionally drained all I could do was go through the physical motions. My trauma about all of this was/is visceral at this point. Going to the dr for the checks on how things were going meant tears every time, as soon as I got up on the table. It was really hard. Jake had to watch and support me as I went through that trauma, which is also hard. It was us making sacrifices for the opportunity to have children, as everyone who has kids does. Those embryos are ours, they carry parts of our heart and soul, even though I know intimately and completely that just because they exist and they are ours does not mean they will become babies. Because if we were to put them in me, they would not grow. To ask someone else to carry for us, to ask to put one of these little embryos in someone else is the ultimate act of trust. So, all that to say that when we saw the little blob floating along at 7 weeks, its little heart just chugging away, yes, it did feel like our baby, even though it wasn't me on the table with an ultrasound wand up my hoo-ha. It does feel like our baby. It is, of course, a different way to witness the miracle of life, but it is no less of a way, if that makes sense.
So how does M feel about all that, you may be wondering? Does she also see it as mine and Jake's, even though it's growing in her? The answer to that is a resounding YES. She wouldn't be able to do this for us if she felt otherwise. She talks about us as the parents. She tells drs and nurses that it's ours. She refers to us as the mom and dad. She talks all the time about how happy she is to not be taking this infant home with her after it's born. One of the first things she said when we were talking about the possibility of the 4 of us going down this crazy journey was, to me, 'When it comes out, the doctor's going to give it to you. I didn't even want them to put my own kids on me, all covered in gunk'. And I said 'YES! that's what I want too!' She also knows, and we've made very clear, that she and her family will be in the baby's life forever, and that also, she can come see it whenever she wants to.
We are very fortunate in the M lives in the same city and so we get to go to all the appointments and get updates on our nugget. It is kind of comical, actually, because there are 4 adults in the room: M and her hubs and me and Jake. When we're all together the banter flies fast and furious and more than one professional has been amused, if a little confused, by the dynamic. We also have to reign it in before they get annoyed ;)
There is, of course, a certain aspect of distance. Jake and I don't have a physical reminder in my body of what is coming in August. M is great at sharing milestones and what's going on with us, and we are also lucky to get to be at the drs and see the little thing grow (so far we have pics of: embryo, 7weeks and 13 weeks old). I have the mukluks from the previous post out on my dresser; they are the visual reminder of what is coming.
At the beginning of all of this, I dug around on the internet for as much information as I could on how surrogacy works, how intended parents and surrogates feel about it, what the pitfalls are, what to watch out for and that kind of thing.
The most amazing, consistent story I heard from surrogates/gestational carriers was that they weren't giving a baby 'up', they were giving it 'back', and for many of them, the joy of seeing that child with the parents was incredibly gratifying.
So if any of this makes you think 'huh! I didn't mind being pregnant. Delivery was doable...maybe I could be a gestational carrier...' Keep thinking about it! You could change someone's whole life. You could be an honest-to-goodness miracle for someone. You could be a super-hero, really. You have the power to make families!
I was going to structure this as FAQs, but it was boring. So let's just do this conversationally.
The official term for M is a gestational carrier; she is not related at all to the embryo/fetus/baby. The embryo that was put in her by the doctor is made up of my egg and J's sperm (why is the word 'sperm' awkward? Makes no sense); it is our biological child. Sometimes I use the word surrogate to refer to M, as this is a word that is a) shorter and b) most people understand more readily than 'gestational carrier'. Sometimes, though, a surrogate donates her own egg to the process, meaning she IS related to the child. This is rare these days, what with IVF and all.
Sometimes people want to know how the process of getting knocked up works, with a 3rd (and 4th, since her hubs has had to be involved too!) person. Truthfully, it is not that different than when I was trying to get knocked up via IVF. I gave myself needles of 'gonal F' and 'Luveris' for 10 days (they don't really hurt, but you do get kind of tender) and grew way more eggs than is normal (so many I could literally feel my ovaries when I moved/walked/did anything - that's the closest I'll ever be to pregnant). When the egg sacs were big enough (mature), I had to give myself the only painful shot (HCG - human growth hormone), and then 36 hours later, the doctor gave me lovely lovely fentanyl and went in and got 'em. Then they mix them with Jake's spermies and we wait. Once they grow for 5 days, they put the embryos in the freezer. Then we waited for M to be ready. She tracked her ovulation and once she got the smiley face on the LH surge kit (too technical? That's the hormone that surges when you ovulate), she started taking progesterone to mimic what would happen if she had gotten pregnant naturally, just like I had done. Then, 5 days later (because the embryos were 5 days old), we went back to the dr, they thawed 1 embryo (fun fact: transferring multiple embryos is getting less and less common when it comes to IVF because risks of multiples. The drs really want everyone to have have babies one at a time) and popped it inside her uterus. And then we waited some more. 10 days after that, M took a home pregnancy kit and it was positive! And then she took another 2 days later and it was also positive! And then she told us, and we were floored. She didn't tell us right away because I had a massive panic attack related to waiting for these results and decided I could only handle knowing once, the day before the official blood test, which did indeed confirm she was pregnant.
As you might imagine, getting the doctors to put our genetic tissue in someone who is not us requires some paperwork. Legal paperwork. The interesting thing about this paperwork is that it is not actually enforceable by the laws of our province. It is called an 'agreement', not a contract, and the basic gist of it is: the baby is Jake and Elisabeth's, and M and her hubs agree that it is Jake and Elisabeth's. The baby cannot inherit anything from M and hubs because it is not theirs and M and hubs agree to give the baby to Jake and Elisabeth. There's other stuff too, like what happens if we die or get divorced, or if they get divorced, or if M is sick or if the baby is sick, but that's mostly what it boils down to. The laws in Manitoba state that whoever births a child is the mother, and if she is married to a man, that man is the father, no matter what the biology of the child is. Arrangements like ours are not uncommon, even here in a province with a small population, but the current government is not interested in amending or changing the law to recognize surrogacy/gestational carriers because it is seen as making things 'too easy' for same-sex couples to have children. (Get ready for a rant...) Putting aside whatever ideological ideas anyone has about whether two men or two women should raise children, can we all just agree that finding a woman to carry and birth your child for you, to basically give you her body for A YEAR or MORE so you can have a kid is NOT EASY and will never ever be anyone's EASY WAY OUT!?!??!!? It is hard. It is expensive, emotionally draining, time consuming and is something people do when they are out of other options. It relies on the most incredible generosity of a woman (and often her partner) who, after all they have already done for the intended parents, then have to also be willing to stand up in front of a judge and say 'this baby is not ours, it belongs to THE BIOLOGICAL PARENTS who obviously wanted it SO BADLY they moved heaven and earth to make it happen'. Ok, rant over. For now.
In Canada, only altruistic surrogacy/gestational carrier arrangements are allowed. This means that the gestational carrier is not allowed to be paid for the service of growing a human. Intended Parents (that's the official name for people like Jake and I) can (and should!) reimburse her for pregnancy related costs (medication, maternity clothes, missed work for appts, etc) but we are not allowed to pay her a womb rental fee, as it were. The thought is that by eliminating the pay aspect, the women who are offering to grow humans for other people are doing it out of the kindness and goodness of their heart (and womb), and also, hopefully, aren't being exploited. This is also where things get tricky, because there are many many more couples like Jake and I, desperate but unable to be parents, than there are women ready and willing to be gestational carriers. We were lucky that M was so willing and excited. Often, gestational carriers are friends or family to the couple. It is very likely that our nugget will be an only child; to have another we'd have to find another gestational carrier, which is a long shot.
The requirements to be a gestational carrier will vary slightly according to each fertility clinic. In Manitoba, there is only 1 clinic, so they get to make the rules. For them, a gestational carrier has be healthy (duh), be younger than 42, be done having her own family, and has to have given birth at least once before without serious complications.
A common reaction to our news has been 'You're so lucky! You get to have a baby AND (fill in the blank) go to Thermea, drink wine, eat sushi, etc etc' Here's the things:
Yes, I/we am/are lucky. Our friend is doing this enormous favour for us and giving up those things for 9 months PLUS delivering a child so we can have a family. We are VERY lucky.
However, there is never, not one second EVER where I don't wish that all of the medicine, time, energy, and invasive interventions had worked and I was the one who was able to be pregnant. The gift of surrogacy is a wonderful experience in its own right, but I nearly killed myself trying to get pregnant, and I still wish it had worked. I would very gladly give up all of those things if I could have.
People often want to know if the baby feels like mine/ours rather than M's. First, the biggest thing to understand about surrogacy is that everyone goes in to this very long process knowing that the intended parents are the parents. There are so many steps along the way that reinforce the arrangement that is being made, and there is nothing sexy or mysterious about the appts to check uterine lining, ovulation, hormone levels, etc. It's all very clinical and sterile, and we were all there every step of the way. Second, the embryos are the product of so much work. SO MUCH WORK. I'm not just talking about the needles, or the time, or even the money. I'm talking about the emotional investment in putting us through the process of making them. The first round we were both full of hope, sure it would work for us eventually. The only question in my head was whether my eggs were any good; once we learned that they were good, and we had multiple embryos, I thought for sure we'd have enough 'tries' to have 2 kids...maybe even 3. The second round, I had no such illusions. I didn't take the needles at exactly the same time every day, I didn't stress about it; I was so numb and so emotionally drained all I could do was go through the physical motions. My trauma about all of this was/is visceral at this point. Going to the dr for the checks on how things were going meant tears every time, as soon as I got up on the table. It was really hard. Jake had to watch and support me as I went through that trauma, which is also hard. It was us making sacrifices for the opportunity to have children, as everyone who has kids does. Those embryos are ours, they carry parts of our heart and soul, even though I know intimately and completely that just because they exist and they are ours does not mean they will become babies. Because if we were to put them in me, they would not grow. To ask someone else to carry for us, to ask to put one of these little embryos in someone else is the ultimate act of trust. So, all that to say that when we saw the little blob floating along at 7 weeks, its little heart just chugging away, yes, it did feel like our baby, even though it wasn't me on the table with an ultrasound wand up my hoo-ha. It does feel like our baby. It is, of course, a different way to witness the miracle of life, but it is no less of a way, if that makes sense.
So how does M feel about all that, you may be wondering? Does she also see it as mine and Jake's, even though it's growing in her? The answer to that is a resounding YES. She wouldn't be able to do this for us if she felt otherwise. She talks about us as the parents. She tells drs and nurses that it's ours. She refers to us as the mom and dad. She talks all the time about how happy she is to not be taking this infant home with her after it's born. One of the first things she said when we were talking about the possibility of the 4 of us going down this crazy journey was, to me, 'When it comes out, the doctor's going to give it to you. I didn't even want them to put my own kids on me, all covered in gunk'. And I said 'YES! that's what I want too!' She also knows, and we've made very clear, that she and her family will be in the baby's life forever, and that also, she can come see it whenever she wants to.
We are very fortunate in the M lives in the same city and so we get to go to all the appointments and get updates on our nugget. It is kind of comical, actually, because there are 4 adults in the room: M and her hubs and me and Jake. When we're all together the banter flies fast and furious and more than one professional has been amused, if a little confused, by the dynamic. We also have to reign it in before they get annoyed ;)
There is, of course, a certain aspect of distance. Jake and I don't have a physical reminder in my body of what is coming in August. M is great at sharing milestones and what's going on with us, and we are also lucky to get to be at the drs and see the little thing grow (so far we have pics of: embryo, 7weeks and 13 weeks old). I have the mukluks from the previous post out on my dresser; they are the visual reminder of what is coming.
At the beginning of all of this, I dug around on the internet for as much information as I could on how surrogacy works, how intended parents and surrogates feel about it, what the pitfalls are, what to watch out for and that kind of thing.
The most amazing, consistent story I heard from surrogates/gestational carriers was that they weren't giving a baby 'up', they were giving it 'back', and for many of them, the joy of seeing that child with the parents was incredibly gratifying.
So if any of this makes you think 'huh! I didn't mind being pregnant. Delivery was doable...maybe I could be a gestational carrier...' Keep thinking about it! You could change someone's whole life. You could be an honest-to-goodness miracle for someone. You could be a super-hero, really. You have the power to make families!
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