MORE EFFING HOOPS

I try hard not to swear on this blog, but sometimes, there just isn't a way to express yourself otherwise.

The judge rejected our declaration of parentage for Rudi DESPITE THE FACT that we submitted ALL of the following:
- our legal agreement (40 pages of legalese that says that Rudi was created for us with the help of Jay and Tara)
- An affadavit from Jacob stating that he is the father of Rudi
- An affadavit from me saying that I am the mother of Rudi
- An affadavit from Jay saying he is not the father of Rudi, that Jake and I are the parents
- An affadavit from Tara saying she is not the mother of Rudi, that Jake and I are the parents
- the actual declaration of parentage itself
- a letter from the fertility clinic stating that the embryo implanted in Tara is the biological material of Jake and I
- Rudi's original birth certificate

In addition to ALL OF THAT (which represents $1000s in legal fees, by the way) the judge wants to see a copy of the registration of birth (which is redundant by the fact that we have a BIRTH CERTIFICATE!), AND she has ordered DNA testing to prove, once and for all, that Rudi is biologically mine and Jake's.

WHAT THE F***

Honestly, I have cried a bunch in the last two days.

The thing is, it's not just that it's more hoops. It's not just more trips to Vital Statistics, more appointments and doctors. It's not just that we will now spend another $700 on documentation to prove that this baby is ours.

It's the indignity of it. It's the constantly having to move mountains. It's filling out form after effing form with Jay and Tara as parents. WE ARE HIS PARENTS! It's reopening raw wounds and pouring salt in them. It's reminding, again and again, the effort and work we have done and continue to have to do to have a family.

As I walked through downtown yesterday, sobbing, I tried to talk myself down. I have the social and financial capital to navigate the legal and medical systems. I am still not working so I can make appointments and keep them. Once this is all done the pain will fade and we'll just move forward with our family fun times.

But I wish, so desperately wish, that I could talk to that judge. That I could make this a human issue for her. That she would see the full cost of one little sentence in a rejection. I'm sure she has no idea. Or she's of the mindset of 'well, this is the cost of choosing to do surrogacy'.

Again, I repeat: Surrogacy is not easy. It's not simple, or quick, or painless. It's not a way to avoid pregnancy and labor. It is WORK. TONS AND TONS OF WORK for both the Parents and the surrogate and her family. It is persistence and stubbornness and refusing to give up.

All of this seems particularly insane as we are talking about doing the whole thing again. But on the other hand, we have learned a lot and will just do all of this garbage in the first place.

I know that in the grand scheme of things, I have it REALLY good. But right now this whole bizness feels very hard and traumatic and frustrating.

Get with the program, Manitoba. It's 2018. People have families different ways. It shouldn't be so hard.