Whooo boy
Ok, what I really want to write about is my very complicated feelings about my first Mother's day as a mother but I feel like I can't dive into that topic without first acknowledging the response to my previous post.
It went VIRAL! I've decided that is the most accurate term for what happened. As of today there have been 38,351 page views of that post, all due to people sharing on Facebook. Most of the views happened in the first 48 hours. That is AMAZING. I certainly did not expect it to travel like that. I thought maybe a few 100 people would see it and that would be that. Instead, the conversation about surrogacy continues :) Lots of people reached out, including a former surrogate who wanted to help, people who knew surrogates, and a few women who wanted more information. Incredible! And that's all I'm going to say about that for now :)
So, Mother's day was last weekend. I had feelings about it. Not necessarily the ones I expected to have. All day Jake asked what was wrong. I kept saying 'nothing' because it was so nebulous inside me that I couldn't figure it out. I was quiet and withdrawn. I wanted to just disengage from life for a few hours. Late in the day I cried.
After working so hard to become a mother, you'd think, I thought, that I'd feel relief on this day. Relief of finally not finding it so painful. Of being included. Of feeling like I belong.
I didn't feel relief. I felt....something. I felt sad. I felt guilty. I felt numb. I felt disconnected.
I messaged a friend who has tried to become a mother for many years without success. I knew what she must be feeling with all the messages floating around - it was the same thing I'd felt for so many years. I told her I was thinking of her and that I hoped she was ok today. We agreed that there is something wrong with any holiday that makes so many people feel so crappy.
The flip side of course, is that taking care of tiny humans is hard work and the people who do it deserve recognition and celebration.
But when you're not a mom and you want to be, Mother's Day makes you feel like you are even more so on the outside looking in. Like you're not a real woman if you're also not a mother, and that the only way to be a mother is to raise a baby in your house. It's quite a lot of salt in an open wound, really. At least, that's how it felt for me.
Maybe my feelings on this day will change over the years, but I have a niggling feeling I'm always going to feel a bit uneasy about it. I'm never going to revel in it. I will always remember the women in acute pain on that day.
It went VIRAL! I've decided that is the most accurate term for what happened. As of today there have been 38,351 page views of that post, all due to people sharing on Facebook. Most of the views happened in the first 48 hours. That is AMAZING. I certainly did not expect it to travel like that. I thought maybe a few 100 people would see it and that would be that. Instead, the conversation about surrogacy continues :) Lots of people reached out, including a former surrogate who wanted to help, people who knew surrogates, and a few women who wanted more information. Incredible! And that's all I'm going to say about that for now :)
So, Mother's day was last weekend. I had feelings about it. Not necessarily the ones I expected to have. All day Jake asked what was wrong. I kept saying 'nothing' because it was so nebulous inside me that I couldn't figure it out. I was quiet and withdrawn. I wanted to just disengage from life for a few hours. Late in the day I cried.
After working so hard to become a mother, you'd think, I thought, that I'd feel relief on this day. Relief of finally not finding it so painful. Of being included. Of feeling like I belong.
I didn't feel relief. I felt....something. I felt sad. I felt guilty. I felt numb. I felt disconnected.
I messaged a friend who has tried to become a mother for many years without success. I knew what she must be feeling with all the messages floating around - it was the same thing I'd felt for so many years. I told her I was thinking of her and that I hoped she was ok today. We agreed that there is something wrong with any holiday that makes so many people feel so crappy.
The flip side of course, is that taking care of tiny humans is hard work and the people who do it deserve recognition and celebration.
But when you're not a mom and you want to be, Mother's Day makes you feel like you are even more so on the outside looking in. Like you're not a real woman if you're also not a mother, and that the only way to be a mother is to raise a baby in your house. It's quite a lot of salt in an open wound, really. At least, that's how it felt for me.
Maybe my feelings on this day will change over the years, but I have a niggling feeling I'm always going to feel a bit uneasy about it. I'm never going to revel in it. I will always remember the women in acute pain on that day.
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