A few Ideas
There are lots of things floating around in my brain, asking to be written, but finding the time and the opportunity is proving to be very difficult. I have a moment now: Lindsay is napping in the swing, muffins are in the oven, dishes await, but dishes can wait!
You can't go back
Many many MANY years ago, before Jake and I were together, but when we worked at the same school, I went to Grade 9 Camp. It rained THE ENTIRE TIME. The kids were fantastic, though, so it was still very fun. One afternoon in particular turned into a riot of laughs when our impromptu ultimate game turned into a true mudbath as we slipped and slid all around the field. We laughed till we cried and had an amazing time. The next day, Jake (yes, he was there too - he's the king of Grade 9 Camp ;)) wanted to recreate the experience - after all it had been a riot! I told him, we can try, but it won't be the same. He did try, but later he told me: you were right. You can't go back, you just have to enjoy the memory of a fantastic moment.
I feel a bit like this mat leave is like that. It's not that my time with Rudi was idyllic all the time - there were rough nights (or what I thought was rough at the time!), and long days, and boredom and tedium, but by an large, I remember the sun. Walking in the sun, napping in the sunroom bathed in sun, and just reveling in my cuddly baby in the sun! I loved it!
When we knew Lindsay was on the way I again looked forward to sunroom naps.
Well, it's happened exactly twice.
A few reasons:
1. Lindsay is a very different baby. She doesn't fall asleep as easily in the sling as Rudi did. She likes to be able to move and straighten her legs and wiggle around.
2. She doesn't sleep as well at night so making sure her naps happen is VERY important - so we have the best possible chance of a good night sleep
3. There are just more chores to do and less time to do them
4. I want to be able to play with Rudi when opportunity presents
All in all, Lindsay spends WAY more time in 'containers' than Rudi did. Her best naps are in the carseat or swing, always moving. She does ok in the carrier on walks, but often has to be coaxed back to sleep halfway through.
I'm trying hard not to have guilt about it. It's just a different experience.
Post Infertility
I'm realizing more and more that Rudi was THE PERFECT baby to have to recover from infertility. I don't mean he was a perfect baby - surely no more perfect than any other - (although he did sleep and that is something I don't take for granted anymore), I mean he was perfect for me at that time. All I wanted and needed was to feel my baby next to me, and Rudi was all too happy to oblige. He loved snuggling and slept great no matter where he was. I soaked up every snuggle; it was therapy, a balm, healing my wounds and easing the pain of the scars.
I'm not so broken now, with Lindsay, and I don't need the same amount of baby-cuddles, and it's a good thing too, because while she is VERY happy to be held and loves hugs and nuzzles, she's not a cuddly sleeper like Rudi was. She takes every opportunity to straighten up and lift her head, even with her eyes closed in the middle of the night when I'm trying to burp her! She is not a floppy baby, not even by a long shot. At just past 3 months old, she is almost ready for the jolly jumper already.
Day Care
Rudi is still going to daycare 3 days a week and I have feelings about it. I've been mulling around about it for a while and I've come to this:
I view parental leave as a 'break' from real life. Staying home with a baby is a bit of a magical time, even if you spend an hour and a half bouncing her to sleep for a nap. You can listen to a podcast, or strap her on you and go for a walk in the sunshine. The government is paying me to stay home and take care of my baby! It's great!
Staying home with both an infant and a 2.5 year old is not a break from real life. That is REAL LIFE. Balancing their needs, having one or both crying while you're trying to get out the door or in the door or in the car, or make lunch or whatever - isn't exactly fun. There are lots of great moments too, and I do enjoy my days with Rudi home, but it is no kind of break. That's a full time job! And I have a full time job - which I don't have to go to right now.
The other thing is daycare is the one place Rudi plays with other kids. He is finally comfortable enough with them that he will run and play with them. In all other situations - with his cousins, with friends, at the library or music class, he just kind of ignores other kids.
So I'm enjoying the balance of time 'alone' with Lindsay where I can walk and do workouts and have a nap when she naps and days where Rudi is home and we go do fun things together.
You can't go back
Many many MANY years ago, before Jake and I were together, but when we worked at the same school, I went to Grade 9 Camp. It rained THE ENTIRE TIME. The kids were fantastic, though, so it was still very fun. One afternoon in particular turned into a riot of laughs when our impromptu ultimate game turned into a true mudbath as we slipped and slid all around the field. We laughed till we cried and had an amazing time. The next day, Jake (yes, he was there too - he's the king of Grade 9 Camp ;)) wanted to recreate the experience - after all it had been a riot! I told him, we can try, but it won't be the same. He did try, but later he told me: you were right. You can't go back, you just have to enjoy the memory of a fantastic moment.
I feel a bit like this mat leave is like that. It's not that my time with Rudi was idyllic all the time - there were rough nights (or what I thought was rough at the time!), and long days, and boredom and tedium, but by an large, I remember the sun. Walking in the sun, napping in the sunroom bathed in sun, and just reveling in my cuddly baby in the sun! I loved it!
When we knew Lindsay was on the way I again looked forward to sunroom naps.
Well, it's happened exactly twice.
A few reasons:
1. Lindsay is a very different baby. She doesn't fall asleep as easily in the sling as Rudi did. She likes to be able to move and straighten her legs and wiggle around.
2. She doesn't sleep as well at night so making sure her naps happen is VERY important - so we have the best possible chance of a good night sleep
3. There are just more chores to do and less time to do them
4. I want to be able to play with Rudi when opportunity presents
All in all, Lindsay spends WAY more time in 'containers' than Rudi did. Her best naps are in the carseat or swing, always moving. She does ok in the carrier on walks, but often has to be coaxed back to sleep halfway through.
I'm trying hard not to have guilt about it. It's just a different experience.
Post Infertility
I'm realizing more and more that Rudi was THE PERFECT baby to have to recover from infertility. I don't mean he was a perfect baby - surely no more perfect than any other - (although he did sleep and that is something I don't take for granted anymore), I mean he was perfect for me at that time. All I wanted and needed was to feel my baby next to me, and Rudi was all too happy to oblige. He loved snuggling and slept great no matter where he was. I soaked up every snuggle; it was therapy, a balm, healing my wounds and easing the pain of the scars.
I'm not so broken now, with Lindsay, and I don't need the same amount of baby-cuddles, and it's a good thing too, because while she is VERY happy to be held and loves hugs and nuzzles, she's not a cuddly sleeper like Rudi was. She takes every opportunity to straighten up and lift her head, even with her eyes closed in the middle of the night when I'm trying to burp her! She is not a floppy baby, not even by a long shot. At just past 3 months old, she is almost ready for the jolly jumper already.
Day Care
Rudi is still going to daycare 3 days a week and I have feelings about it. I've been mulling around about it for a while and I've come to this:
I view parental leave as a 'break' from real life. Staying home with a baby is a bit of a magical time, even if you spend an hour and a half bouncing her to sleep for a nap. You can listen to a podcast, or strap her on you and go for a walk in the sunshine. The government is paying me to stay home and take care of my baby! It's great!
Staying home with both an infant and a 2.5 year old is not a break from real life. That is REAL LIFE. Balancing their needs, having one or both crying while you're trying to get out the door or in the door or in the car, or make lunch or whatever - isn't exactly fun. There are lots of great moments too, and I do enjoy my days with Rudi home, but it is no kind of break. That's a full time job! And I have a full time job - which I don't have to go to right now.
The other thing is daycare is the one place Rudi plays with other kids. He is finally comfortable enough with them that he will run and play with them. In all other situations - with his cousins, with friends, at the library or music class, he just kind of ignores other kids.
So I'm enjoying the balance of time 'alone' with Lindsay where I can walk and do workouts and have a nap when she naps and days where Rudi is home and we go do fun things together.
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