We've taken on a lot, and somehow managed to stay in tact. Living life now as a family of 4!

I've been initiated into one of the rites of motherhood, I think. Maybe it'll help me feel more like a 'mom' ;) My writing has been interpreted in ways I did not intend and caused some people I care about deeply to feel judged. I felt terrible and it got me thinking. (this is hard to write without sounding like an ass! I've started and deleted so many sentences!) The post my friends brought up was the one where I talked about how I can't get enough of Rudi, and how I hold him all the time. When I wrote it, I wasn't trying to send any kind of message to anyone who does things differently, or feels differently about their babies. I was just kind of reveling in my own little cocoon of a world. I believe the sun was shining through the windows of my sunroom, lending me extra endorphins to really drive home my point ;) Since then I've been thinking about how hard it is to talk about experiences without sounding like anyone who does or feels differently...

I find it easier to think of myself as a parent rather than as a mother, per se. Is that strange? I have a few theories on why this is. First, maybe it's because I didn't go through the experience of being pregnant and giving birth to a human. From what people say, this is a transformative event on the parenthood journey. When Rudi was handed to me I didn't feel a shift in my identity. I felt like a hole inside had been filled, but I was still me. Second, I don't have and don't identify with the 'mama bear' mentality that is prevalent in our society. I do feel protective of Rudi, and I do want what's good for him, but I do so with the knowledge of 100s of other kids who don't have what he has. He's off to a great start. We have books in our home (that I sometimes read to him ;)). Jake and I talk to him all day, every day. Jake and I are both educated and have good jobs. Rudi will be fine. I feel much more fiercely protective of my students wh...

Beyond keeping Rudi alive and dry-ish (he drools a lot!), here are some things I do everyday: - Walk Outside, for anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours. This is so crucial, I can't even describe it. On the odd day I don't/can't do this it is never a good day. Now that Rudi is sleeping really well at night, I don't need a nap anymore so we've been going in the morning. Rudi naps while we stroll around our neighborhood. I feel like I've gotten the winter babywearing game figured out. I bought a bunch of things and now I think we can be out in any weather. Except rain. Because I hate rain. But we are through the rainy season! It was -20 here today! - Eat Chocolate: this falls under the 'confession' category, for sure. Some days require more confessing than others. On days where I feel a little unsettled or am struggling or don't get outside, I eat WAY more chocolate. Like, so much I might feel ill. The other day I ate at least a 1/4cup of Nutella, s...

We are having some friends over for supper tonight. It's kind of a funny story of kindred spirits, actually. Last spring break Jake and I invited ourselves along on our friend's trip with her family and her brother and his wife and we had a fantastic time! Turns out we all get along amazingly well, which is a pretty lucky break when you go on holiday for a week together. Jake and I have a lot in common with J and R. They are both teachers, they love the outdoors and camping, they are open and friendly and awesome. They also have been trying to have a baby, including multiple rounds of IVF, without success. I've been looking around the house all day at the baby stuff. We don't have an insane amount of baby things but when you want a baby and don't have one, baby-related items can be almost as heart-breaking as the baby itself. The thing is, I know , deep in my bones, what it feels like to be around a baby when you don't have one and you want one. I know int...

I don't know how to talk about being a parent without also talking about infertility. These two experiences are indelibly linked in my mind, heart, and soul. One doesn't exist without the other. I have a lot to say on that subject so if you stick with me through that, good for you! When Rudi was first born, it took him a few weeks to perk up after birth. I'd try to wake him up to eat, but he would just fall asleep at the boob or bottle again. It got us both frustrated so then I'd let him sleep but he didn't gain any weight for the first 2 weeks of his life and it was a bit awful. In fact at one point he was quite dehydrated and dropped weight. People kept saying things to me like 'soon he'll be sitting and holding his head up' and 'he'll be growing out of those clothes sooner than you'd think' and I'd smile and nod and inside I'd think 'but what if he doesn't?' Eventually I realized that my lack of faith in Rudi...

I have never felt more insecure about anything in my life than I do about my milk production. It's one of those situations where your cognitive and rational brain says all the right things and knows the facts and is very convincing....to everyone except your emotional irrational brain who just has so many FEELINGS about everything and is very loud and persistent in its doubts. When Rudi was about 2 months old my thirst skyrocketed. All of a sudden I needed 4 to 5 liters of water a day and I was still always thirsty. I also had to pee every 20 minutes which is not fun. I thought maybe my milk supply was increasing. This happens to many women who don't have enough right away - it takes a few months and then it's like your body catches up and figures out what's going on. I thought maybe that was happening to me! All of a sudden I started fantasizing about not having to worry about bottles any more! What freedom, to not always worry about whether you've brought enough...