Survivors guilt
We are having some friends over for supper tonight. It's kind of a funny story of kindred spirits, actually. Last spring break Jake and I invited ourselves along on our friend's trip with her family and her brother and his wife and we had a fantastic time! Turns out we all get along amazingly well, which is a pretty lucky break when you go on holiday for a week together.
Jake and I have a lot in common with J and R. They are both teachers, they love the outdoors and camping, they are open and friendly and awesome. They also have been trying to have a baby, including multiple rounds of IVF, without success.
I've been looking around the house all day at the baby stuff. We don't have an insane amount of baby things but when you want a baby and don't have one, baby-related items can be almost as heart-breaking as the baby itself.
The thing is, I know, deep in my bones, what it feels like to be around a baby when you don't have one and you want one. I know intimately the anxiety, panic, tears, anger, jealousy and sadness that come with infertility.
Now that we have Rudi, those feelings don't go away, exactly. They fade maybe, or get put in another compartment, but I remember them. I remember them well. It takes my breath away, sometimes, how bad I felt, how sad I was. As great as he is, Rudi doesn't erase those wounds. I think they will always be painful scars. I still get a twinge when people tell me they are pregnant. I am still jealous of people who get to decide how many kids to have. My baby is in my arms and I am still brought to tears at the memory of the trauma of IVF or how dark the world looked then. I feel much more kinship with infertile people than I do with other mothers.
Holding both: the intimate knowledge of infertility and also now having a baby. It's tricky.
I told R that whatever feelings she had about being around a baby, I get it. I SO get it. I'm impressed they are willing to come over, actually. I told her she can ignore Rudi. I have seriously considered removing all baby paraphernalia from the main floor. I want to be sensitive to her. I don't need or want to talk about Rudi or the things he can do or mat leave or anything about it.
I'm sure we will have a great time. They wouldn't come over if they didn't want to. But I hold these two identities in tension: infertile mother.
Jake and I have a lot in common with J and R. They are both teachers, they love the outdoors and camping, they are open and friendly and awesome. They also have been trying to have a baby, including multiple rounds of IVF, without success.
I've been looking around the house all day at the baby stuff. We don't have an insane amount of baby things but when you want a baby and don't have one, baby-related items can be almost as heart-breaking as the baby itself.
The thing is, I know, deep in my bones, what it feels like to be around a baby when you don't have one and you want one. I know intimately the anxiety, panic, tears, anger, jealousy and sadness that come with infertility.
Now that we have Rudi, those feelings don't go away, exactly. They fade maybe, or get put in another compartment, but I remember them. I remember them well. It takes my breath away, sometimes, how bad I felt, how sad I was. As great as he is, Rudi doesn't erase those wounds. I think they will always be painful scars. I still get a twinge when people tell me they are pregnant. I am still jealous of people who get to decide how many kids to have. My baby is in my arms and I am still brought to tears at the memory of the trauma of IVF or how dark the world looked then. I feel much more kinship with infertile people than I do with other mothers.
Holding both: the intimate knowledge of infertility and also now having a baby. It's tricky.
I told R that whatever feelings she had about being around a baby, I get it. I SO get it. I'm impressed they are willing to come over, actually. I told her she can ignore Rudi. I have seriously considered removing all baby paraphernalia from the main floor. I want to be sensitive to her. I don't need or want to talk about Rudi or the things he can do or mat leave or anything about it.
I'm sure we will have a great time. They wouldn't come over if they didn't want to. But I hold these two identities in tension: infertile mother.
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