What We Hear
I've been initiated into one of the rites of motherhood, I think. Maybe it'll help me feel more like a 'mom' ;) My writing has been interpreted in ways I did not intend and caused some people I care about deeply to feel judged. I felt terrible and it got me thinking.
(this is hard to write without sounding like an ass! I've started and deleted so many sentences!)
The post my friends brought up was the one where I talked about how I can't get enough of Rudi, and how I hold him all the time. When I wrote it, I wasn't trying to send any kind of message to anyone who does things differently, or feels differently about their babies. I was just kind of reveling in my own little cocoon of a world. I believe the sun was shining through the windows of my sunroom, lending me extra endorphins to really drive home my point ;)
Since then I've been thinking about how hard it is to talk about experiences without sounding like anyone who does or feels differently is wrong. Which is certainly not my intent.
Ok, some examples.
I go to a breastfeeding support group that is put on by our regional health authority. I have conflicted feelings about this group. On the one hand, it is great that it exists. New moms need support and often need encouragement and mentorship to keep breastfeeding through those first hard weeks. I certainly did! This group is free, weekly, and provides access to lactation consultants and public health nurses. It can also be a good place to learn from others with slightly older babies who can tell you that whatever crazy stage you're experiencing is normal and will pass. On the other hand, it is obviously breastfeeding focused and therefore can be a bit propaganda-y about the importance of breastfeeding. As someone who can't exclusively breastfeed, I feel defensive on my behalf but also on behalf of other mothers who can't. A few weeks ago I cried because one of the nurses read the abstract of an article that outlined that the many benefits of exclusively breastfeeding last into the child's 30s. THIRTIES!!! What I heard when she was reading out this long list of good qualities ascribed to breastfeeding was 'YOU'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH FOR YOUR BABY! He's going to be sickly and a failure and have a lower paying job and you won't be as connected to him because he ate from a bottle. Plus, on top of all that, if you could exclusively breastfeed, you'd be getting more sleep!' (that last part is probably true, actually. The bottle at night is a pain in the ass.)
Now, the nurse did not intend to send that message, and when I spoke up that most of those benefits would also come from a higher socio-economic status, the nurses handled it really well. And as I cried in public, the other moms were supportive of me. But I still felt judged.
On the flip side I catch myself saying things to people that it would be easy to misinterpret but I don't know how else to say them.
For example:
Several of the people I know at this group have let their babies cry it out so now they put the babies in their beds awake and the babies put themselves to sleep. They did this when their babies were 3 or 4 months old - Rudi's age. I have no negative feelings about letting babies cry it out. I think it makes total sense to get the babies to figure out how to go to sleep on their own. The parents are pumped that after a few hard nights, their babies are sleeping better. It has worked for them.
I have not ever let Rudi cry it out. Not because I think it's mean or cruel, but because we haven't had to. It takes me about 10 minutes in the evenings to put him to sleep. With others it takes longer, closer to half an hour. One night with Jake Rudi put up a real good fight and kept at it for 45 minutes.
So when they ask about how Rudi goes to sleep, I say 'I rock him.' They typically reply that letting their baby cry it out was so good for their sanity, I should try it. I then say something like 'I like rocking him to sleep.' or 'It doesn't take long'. I can imagine that what they are hearing is 'you're cruel for letting your baby cry, and if you REALLY liked your baby, you'd rock him, too'.
Similarly, I was talking with another mom about moving the baby out of my room to his own room. She said they did it and she loves having her room back. She encouraged me to take the plunge. The thing is, I don't want to move Rudi out of our room. Yes, it's dark when we go to bed, but I love having him there breathing next to me. Plus, he sleeps great and after I feed him I lay down in bed with him, chest to chest, and he usually falls right back to sleep. I breathe in his awesome baby smell for a few more minutes and then transfer him back to his bassinet where he finishes out the night. When I say these things out loud, it sounds like I'm saying 'My baby is so easy' and rubbing it in their faces.
I hope it's obvious by now that these other messages are not what I mean! Every family has to do what works for them. We are doing what works for us. Plus, I am no expert. I've had a baby for 4 months, and he's made infant care super easy by being pretty chill most of the time. I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have an inconsolable baby who refuses to settle, in your arms or out of them. Or to have a baby who's up multiple times in the night. If Rudi did those things, we'd for sure be doing things differently over here too.
So I guess the point is, if you ever read something on here that feels judgy to you, please know that it wasn't an intentional hidden meaning. I'm figuring it out as I go along, just like everybody else, and I'm doing some things I thought I'd never do (in the night I get out of bed, go to the bathroom, go back to my room, get Rudi, take him to his room, nurse him and then give him the bottle in his rocking chair, change his diaper - he's taken to pooping in the night - and then re-swaddle him and go back to our room. The whole process takes a half hour on a good day, over an hour on the other days. If you'd have told me that I'd get out of bed and go to another room for an HOUR to feed my child at 3 in the morning, I'd have said you were crazy. But here I am, doing it, every single day. :)) just like everybody else, and I'm doing other things that I am surprised about, just like everybody else.
This can happen with teachers, too, who can be strangely competitive and under-mining of each other sometimes. But in a good building, or on a good team, teachers agree that teaching is hard, everyone's trying their best (hopefully) and if we support each other, it makes the whole job easier. I think parenting is like that too. Let's just be on the same team. Team Love Your Baby And Help It Grow Up Strong and Healthy.
Everything else is just noise.
(this is hard to write without sounding like an ass! I've started and deleted so many sentences!)
The post my friends brought up was the one where I talked about how I can't get enough of Rudi, and how I hold him all the time. When I wrote it, I wasn't trying to send any kind of message to anyone who does things differently, or feels differently about their babies. I was just kind of reveling in my own little cocoon of a world. I believe the sun was shining through the windows of my sunroom, lending me extra endorphins to really drive home my point ;)
Since then I've been thinking about how hard it is to talk about experiences without sounding like anyone who does or feels differently is wrong. Which is certainly not my intent.
Ok, some examples.
I go to a breastfeeding support group that is put on by our regional health authority. I have conflicted feelings about this group. On the one hand, it is great that it exists. New moms need support and often need encouragement and mentorship to keep breastfeeding through those first hard weeks. I certainly did! This group is free, weekly, and provides access to lactation consultants and public health nurses. It can also be a good place to learn from others with slightly older babies who can tell you that whatever crazy stage you're experiencing is normal and will pass. On the other hand, it is obviously breastfeeding focused and therefore can be a bit propaganda-y about the importance of breastfeeding. As someone who can't exclusively breastfeed, I feel defensive on my behalf but also on behalf of other mothers who can't. A few weeks ago I cried because one of the nurses read the abstract of an article that outlined that the many benefits of exclusively breastfeeding last into the child's 30s. THIRTIES!!! What I heard when she was reading out this long list of good qualities ascribed to breastfeeding was 'YOU'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH FOR YOUR BABY! He's going to be sickly and a failure and have a lower paying job and you won't be as connected to him because he ate from a bottle. Plus, on top of all that, if you could exclusively breastfeed, you'd be getting more sleep!' (that last part is probably true, actually. The bottle at night is a pain in the ass.)
Now, the nurse did not intend to send that message, and when I spoke up that most of those benefits would also come from a higher socio-economic status, the nurses handled it really well. And as I cried in public, the other moms were supportive of me. But I still felt judged.
On the flip side I catch myself saying things to people that it would be easy to misinterpret but I don't know how else to say them.
For example:
Several of the people I know at this group have let their babies cry it out so now they put the babies in their beds awake and the babies put themselves to sleep. They did this when their babies were 3 or 4 months old - Rudi's age. I have no negative feelings about letting babies cry it out. I think it makes total sense to get the babies to figure out how to go to sleep on their own. The parents are pumped that after a few hard nights, their babies are sleeping better. It has worked for them.
I have not ever let Rudi cry it out. Not because I think it's mean or cruel, but because we haven't had to. It takes me about 10 minutes in the evenings to put him to sleep. With others it takes longer, closer to half an hour. One night with Jake Rudi put up a real good fight and kept at it for 45 minutes.
So when they ask about how Rudi goes to sleep, I say 'I rock him.' They typically reply that letting their baby cry it out was so good for their sanity, I should try it. I then say something like 'I like rocking him to sleep.' or 'It doesn't take long'. I can imagine that what they are hearing is 'you're cruel for letting your baby cry, and if you REALLY liked your baby, you'd rock him, too'.
Similarly, I was talking with another mom about moving the baby out of my room to his own room. She said they did it and she loves having her room back. She encouraged me to take the plunge. The thing is, I don't want to move Rudi out of our room. Yes, it's dark when we go to bed, but I love having him there breathing next to me. Plus, he sleeps great and after I feed him I lay down in bed with him, chest to chest, and he usually falls right back to sleep. I breathe in his awesome baby smell for a few more minutes and then transfer him back to his bassinet where he finishes out the night. When I say these things out loud, it sounds like I'm saying 'My baby is so easy' and rubbing it in their faces.
I hope it's obvious by now that these other messages are not what I mean! Every family has to do what works for them. We are doing what works for us. Plus, I am no expert. I've had a baby for 4 months, and he's made infant care super easy by being pretty chill most of the time. I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have an inconsolable baby who refuses to settle, in your arms or out of them. Or to have a baby who's up multiple times in the night. If Rudi did those things, we'd for sure be doing things differently over here too.
So I guess the point is, if you ever read something on here that feels judgy to you, please know that it wasn't an intentional hidden meaning. I'm figuring it out as I go along, just like everybody else, and I'm doing some things I thought I'd never do (in the night I get out of bed, go to the bathroom, go back to my room, get Rudi, take him to his room, nurse him and then give him the bottle in his rocking chair, change his diaper - he's taken to pooping in the night - and then re-swaddle him and go back to our room. The whole process takes a half hour on a good day, over an hour on the other days. If you'd have told me that I'd get out of bed and go to another room for an HOUR to feed my child at 3 in the morning, I'd have said you were crazy. But here I am, doing it, every single day. :)) just like everybody else, and I'm doing other things that I am surprised about, just like everybody else.
This can happen with teachers, too, who can be strangely competitive and under-mining of each other sometimes. But in a good building, or on a good team, teachers agree that teaching is hard, everyone's trying their best (hopefully) and if we support each other, it makes the whole job easier. I think parenting is like that too. Let's just be on the same team. Team Love Your Baby And Help It Grow Up Strong and Healthy.
Everything else is just noise.
Comments
Post a Comment