'Mom'
I find it easier to think of myself as a parent rather than as a mother, per se. Is that strange? I have a few theories on why this is.
First, maybe it's because I didn't go through the experience of being pregnant and giving birth to a human. From what people say, this is a transformative event on the parenthood journey. When Rudi was handed to me I didn't feel a shift in my identity. I felt like a hole inside had been filled, but I was still me.
Second, I don't have and don't identify with the 'mama bear' mentality that is prevalent in our society. I do feel protective of Rudi, and I do want what's good for him, but I do so with the knowledge of 100s of other kids who don't have what he has. He's off to a great start. We have books in our home (that I sometimes read to him ;)). Jake and I talk to him all day, every day. Jake and I are both educated and have good jobs. Rudi will be fine. I feel much more fiercely protective of my students who grow up in unstable homes without adequate healthy food and who have parents with low coping skills because their entire lives have been a struggle to survive. THOSE children deserve mama-bears and as a teacher and advocate I have no trouble getting into that role. But for Rudi? He already has everything. I don't need to fight for the 'best of the best' for him.
Third, we tend to use the words 'parent' and 'mother' as verbs, rather than adjectives. They imply action, choices, direction. To me it seems to make more sense that 'parenting' really starts when the kid is old enough that there are difficult choices to make. How do you talk them through making friends and being nice? Sharing? Eating healthy food? What to do when someone is mean? Why are people mean? What are our family values and how do we show that in the way we live? THOSE are parenting decisions. Right now Rudi needs to eat, and sleep, and watch the world around him. For Jake and I it's not that complicated. The big questions are when we should move him out of our room, soother or no soother, cloth or disposable diapers, and which onesie should he wear today. To me these feel like caregiver decisions. They have no bearing on who Rudi will turn out to be and how he will exist in the world.
I wonder when the title of 'mother' will feel natural to me. When he says 'mom'? After a certain number of times of referring to myself in the third person as 'mom'? After a certain number of times of other people referring to me as Rudi's mom? Is this a normal feeling? Maybe there will be a 'aha!' moment. I'll try to write about it if there is. :)
First, maybe it's because I didn't go through the experience of being pregnant and giving birth to a human. From what people say, this is a transformative event on the parenthood journey. When Rudi was handed to me I didn't feel a shift in my identity. I felt like a hole inside had been filled, but I was still me.
Second, I don't have and don't identify with the 'mama bear' mentality that is prevalent in our society. I do feel protective of Rudi, and I do want what's good for him, but I do so with the knowledge of 100s of other kids who don't have what he has. He's off to a great start. We have books in our home (that I sometimes read to him ;)). Jake and I talk to him all day, every day. Jake and I are both educated and have good jobs. Rudi will be fine. I feel much more fiercely protective of my students who grow up in unstable homes without adequate healthy food and who have parents with low coping skills because their entire lives have been a struggle to survive. THOSE children deserve mama-bears and as a teacher and advocate I have no trouble getting into that role. But for Rudi? He already has everything. I don't need to fight for the 'best of the best' for him.
Third, we tend to use the words 'parent' and 'mother' as verbs, rather than adjectives. They imply action, choices, direction. To me it seems to make more sense that 'parenting' really starts when the kid is old enough that there are difficult choices to make. How do you talk them through making friends and being nice? Sharing? Eating healthy food? What to do when someone is mean? Why are people mean? What are our family values and how do we show that in the way we live? THOSE are parenting decisions. Right now Rudi needs to eat, and sleep, and watch the world around him. For Jake and I it's not that complicated. The big questions are when we should move him out of our room, soother or no soother, cloth or disposable diapers, and which onesie should he wear today. To me these feel like caregiver decisions. They have no bearing on who Rudi will turn out to be and how he will exist in the world.
I wonder when the title of 'mother' will feel natural to me. When he says 'mom'? After a certain number of times of referring to myself in the third person as 'mom'? After a certain number of times of other people referring to me as Rudi's mom? Is this a normal feeling? Maybe there will be a 'aha!' moment. I'll try to write about it if there is. :)
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