Fed is Best Part 2
I have never felt more insecure about anything in my life than I do about my milk production. It's one of those situations where your cognitive and rational brain says all the right things and knows the facts and is very convincing....to everyone except your emotional irrational brain who just has so many FEELINGS about everything and is very loud and persistent in its doubts.
When Rudi was about 2 months old my thirst skyrocketed. All of a sudden I needed 4 to 5 liters of water a day and I was still always thirsty. I also had to pee every 20 minutes which is not fun. I thought maybe my milk supply was increasing. This happens to many women who don't have enough right away - it takes a few months and then it's like your body catches up and figures out what's going on. I thought maybe that was happening to me! All of a sudden I started fantasizing about not having to worry about bottles any more! What freedom, to not always worry about whether you've brought enough food for the baby - you just have enough with you, all the time!
I doubled my efforts to encourage my milk - eating all the right things that encourage milk production, hand expressing milk as often as I could (the more often your boobs are empty, the more milk your body will make, is how it works) in addition to nursing, taking all the pills, drinking tons of water....I scrutinized every feed - was Rudi taking less top up? Sometimes it was 2oz, sometimes more, sometimes less! Was progress being made??????? Remember, he eats 6x a day, sometimes 7, so this is on my mind ALL THE TIME. If he drank less from the bottle at a particular time, my confidence soared! I was making progress! But then the next time he ate he'd drink double from the bottle and I was sure my milk was drying up.
The thing is, I really love nursing. At the beginning I couldn't believe people felt that way about it - it took so LONG and HURT and he still needed a bottle! But Rudi has a great latch and we've never had any of the many issues - never had thrush or mastitis. If my milk supply was enough we'd be nursing champs! It doesn't hurt at all any more and is enjoyable time together. I don't even mind feeding him in the middle of the night. If only I had more milk.
Here is where the rational side comes in: Rudi is getting enough food. He's gaining weight like a champ. I weighed him yesterday and he's 12lbs10oz which I think is a pretty great weight for a 3 month old. Because of the many generous donations we've gotten, he gets breastmilk in his bottle close to 100% of the time. We also do formula when we travel or if we're out and about because it's easier to mix on demand. Rudi sometimes stares into my eyes when he's eating from the bottle and although he also sometimes does that when he's nursing, there is a different thing when your child can look directly into your face - it can be a great moment for connection.
I've been attending a breastfeeding support group once a week. I find it moderately helpful. Rudi and I don't have issues with nursing or anything, really, since he's the easiest baby alive but it's nice to go and hear what other people have figured out. Occasionally there is another mom who doesn't have enough milk. There was one a few weeks ago who nurses, pumps every 2h around the clock AND still give top up bottles.
Here is the current battle in my head: there is more I could do to increase my own milk supply. I could pump every 2 hours around the clock. But I'd have to give up so much. I'd have to give up cuddly naps. And going for long walks. And SLEEP. And I don't want to do that.
So Rudi gets 80% of his food from other women or formula and I'm trying to get my emotional side to be on board with that. I'm trying to stop and feel his head while nursing and enjoy it. I can already see the end of our nursing journey coming. Rudi is getting more efficient and doesn't have the patience to sit at a low-flow-boob for 10 or 15 minutes any more.
Everyday I repeat to myself: FED IS BEST. Be grateful for the time you do have. Be here, RIGHT NOW, as he nurses.
My goal is still Christmas. Kind of arbitrary but that's what I set out and that's what we're going to try to do. Hopefully Rudi stays on team nursing till then!
When Rudi was about 2 months old my thirst skyrocketed. All of a sudden I needed 4 to 5 liters of water a day and I was still always thirsty. I also had to pee every 20 minutes which is not fun. I thought maybe my milk supply was increasing. This happens to many women who don't have enough right away - it takes a few months and then it's like your body catches up and figures out what's going on. I thought maybe that was happening to me! All of a sudden I started fantasizing about not having to worry about bottles any more! What freedom, to not always worry about whether you've brought enough food for the baby - you just have enough with you, all the time!
I doubled my efforts to encourage my milk - eating all the right things that encourage milk production, hand expressing milk as often as I could (the more often your boobs are empty, the more milk your body will make, is how it works) in addition to nursing, taking all the pills, drinking tons of water....I scrutinized every feed - was Rudi taking less top up? Sometimes it was 2oz, sometimes more, sometimes less! Was progress being made??????? Remember, he eats 6x a day, sometimes 7, so this is on my mind ALL THE TIME. If he drank less from the bottle at a particular time, my confidence soared! I was making progress! But then the next time he ate he'd drink double from the bottle and I was sure my milk was drying up.
The thing is, I really love nursing. At the beginning I couldn't believe people felt that way about it - it took so LONG and HURT and he still needed a bottle! But Rudi has a great latch and we've never had any of the many issues - never had thrush or mastitis. If my milk supply was enough we'd be nursing champs! It doesn't hurt at all any more and is enjoyable time together. I don't even mind feeding him in the middle of the night. If only I had more milk.
Here is where the rational side comes in: Rudi is getting enough food. He's gaining weight like a champ. I weighed him yesterday and he's 12lbs10oz which I think is a pretty great weight for a 3 month old. Because of the many generous donations we've gotten, he gets breastmilk in his bottle close to 100% of the time. We also do formula when we travel or if we're out and about because it's easier to mix on demand. Rudi sometimes stares into my eyes when he's eating from the bottle and although he also sometimes does that when he's nursing, there is a different thing when your child can look directly into your face - it can be a great moment for connection.
I've been attending a breastfeeding support group once a week. I find it moderately helpful. Rudi and I don't have issues with nursing or anything, really, since he's the easiest baby alive but it's nice to go and hear what other people have figured out. Occasionally there is another mom who doesn't have enough milk. There was one a few weeks ago who nurses, pumps every 2h around the clock AND still give top up bottles.
Here is the current battle in my head: there is more I could do to increase my own milk supply. I could pump every 2 hours around the clock. But I'd have to give up so much. I'd have to give up cuddly naps. And going for long walks. And SLEEP. And I don't want to do that.
So Rudi gets 80% of his food from other women or formula and I'm trying to get my emotional side to be on board with that. I'm trying to stop and feel his head while nursing and enjoy it. I can already see the end of our nursing journey coming. Rudi is getting more efficient and doesn't have the patience to sit at a low-flow-boob for 10 or 15 minutes any more.
Everyday I repeat to myself: FED IS BEST. Be grateful for the time you do have. Be here, RIGHT NOW, as he nurses.
My goal is still Christmas. Kind of arbitrary but that's what I set out and that's what we're going to try to do. Hopefully Rudi stays on team nursing till then!
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