A new chapter
We went to the fertility clinic a few weeks ago for what is (almost 100%) the last time ever. We went to get a letter stating Lindsay was created with our biological embryo and to give permission for our remaining embryos to be used to help teach new lab techs and drs how to do their job to hopefully help others have success at IVF.
I have so many feelings about this.
First, it was super anti-climatic. I didn't recognize a single staff member when I was there - none of the nurses or drs we knew were there today and they have hired a lot of new staff in the last 2 years. That clinic was the scene of some high highs (Heartbeat ultrasounds!) and some very low lows. I spent so many hours in that waiting room, tears pricking my eyes or numb from the perpetual and compounding pain of infertility.
And now we're done. We have TWO kids. TWO more than I ever thought we'd have in May 2016 when our last embryo transfer failed. We are complete and done and ready to move on.
But I still have feelings.
If there's one thing infertility teaches you (well, any hardship, probably) it's that you don't know what you'll do before you've arrived at a particular decision.
So here we are/were at what to do with our embryos.
I'm going to get real here - might be hard for some of you to take but I think it's important to talk about because this is real life and it's complicated and it is very difficult to know what the right answer is.
Our first round of IVF retrieval we ended up with 6 embryos. A perfect number. Naive me thought that would be enough for 2 kids, even, given that not every embryo becomes a baby. Not so. None of those embryos grew inside me. We lost them all and it cost us hugely each time.
Our second round of IVF retrieval we ended up with 12 embryos. Too many. How could that be too many, you ask? Setting aside the monetary cost of each transfer (close to $2000 when all is said and done), the emotional cost was ASTRONOMICAL and I knew from our experience from the previous 6 that we had the emotional reserves for a very limited number of tries.
The first of those 12 became Rudi!
The second and third of those twelve didn't stick, and put serious stress on our emotional ability to stay geared up. If the next one hadn't stuck, we probably would have quit then.
The fourth became Lindsay!
That left 8.
In the beginning of our IVF journey, in 2015, I was talking to someone about it and they mentioned that doing IVF would be committing to a huge family as they would have to try to grow every embryo. And there is a part of me that is mourning today, that those embryos didn't get a chance to become babies.
But this the thing: you don't know till you do it what you're in for. The emotional roller coaster, the financial cost, all of it.
I could have 'used' up the embryos and given them a 'chance' at life by trying to get pregnant again, but that would have been 4 more transfers = $8000 AND the emotional toll. For the same result...no babies.
I learned the brutally hard way that embyros DO NOT equal babies, at least not without some other uterus to carry them in. We love Tara and Sara and they both did an amazing job growing our kids but surrogacy is stressful with a capital STRESS. We cannot do that again.
We could have offered our embryos up for 'adoption' but as much as I'd like to help another couple out, I just can't picture any of my babies being raised by someone else.
So here we are. Done.
Hopefully our embryos will help new staff learn how to do their jobs with skill and efficiency and the success rates of our local clinic will go up, helping more couples in the future that way. We obviously benefited from so much science and research to have our kids, it seems fitting to contribute to that body of knowledge.
But I still do have feelings about it.
It is time to move past baby-trying and infertility and fertility and start LIVING. The clinic has dominated our lives since 2013, SIX YEARS. Time to move on!
So here we are. A family of 4. Equal teams of boys and girls, kids and parents ;)
Ready and excited for new adventures in the future.
We'll just keep taking our feelings along for the ride. We've gotten pretty good at it over the past 6 years.
I have so many feelings about this.
First, it was super anti-climatic. I didn't recognize a single staff member when I was there - none of the nurses or drs we knew were there today and they have hired a lot of new staff in the last 2 years. That clinic was the scene of some high highs (Heartbeat ultrasounds!) and some very low lows. I spent so many hours in that waiting room, tears pricking my eyes or numb from the perpetual and compounding pain of infertility.
And now we're done. We have TWO kids. TWO more than I ever thought we'd have in May 2016 when our last embryo transfer failed. We are complete and done and ready to move on.
But I still have feelings.
If there's one thing infertility teaches you (well, any hardship, probably) it's that you don't know what you'll do before you've arrived at a particular decision.
So here we are/were at what to do with our embryos.
I'm going to get real here - might be hard for some of you to take but I think it's important to talk about because this is real life and it's complicated and it is very difficult to know what the right answer is.
Our first round of IVF retrieval we ended up with 6 embryos. A perfect number. Naive me thought that would be enough for 2 kids, even, given that not every embryo becomes a baby. Not so. None of those embryos grew inside me. We lost them all and it cost us hugely each time.
Our second round of IVF retrieval we ended up with 12 embryos. Too many. How could that be too many, you ask? Setting aside the monetary cost of each transfer (close to $2000 when all is said and done), the emotional cost was ASTRONOMICAL and I knew from our experience from the previous 6 that we had the emotional reserves for a very limited number of tries.
The first of those 12 became Rudi!
The second and third of those twelve didn't stick, and put serious stress on our emotional ability to stay geared up. If the next one hadn't stuck, we probably would have quit then.
The fourth became Lindsay!
That left 8.
In the beginning of our IVF journey, in 2015, I was talking to someone about it and they mentioned that doing IVF would be committing to a huge family as they would have to try to grow every embryo. And there is a part of me that is mourning today, that those embryos didn't get a chance to become babies.
But this the thing: you don't know till you do it what you're in for. The emotional roller coaster, the financial cost, all of it.
I could have 'used' up the embryos and given them a 'chance' at life by trying to get pregnant again, but that would have been 4 more transfers = $8000 AND the emotional toll. For the same result...no babies.
I learned the brutally hard way that embyros DO NOT equal babies, at least not without some other uterus to carry them in. We love Tara and Sara and they both did an amazing job growing our kids but surrogacy is stressful with a capital STRESS. We cannot do that again.
We could have offered our embryos up for 'adoption' but as much as I'd like to help another couple out, I just can't picture any of my babies being raised by someone else.
So here we are. Done.
Hopefully our embryos will help new staff learn how to do their jobs with skill and efficiency and the success rates of our local clinic will go up, helping more couples in the future that way. We obviously benefited from so much science and research to have our kids, it seems fitting to contribute to that body of knowledge.
But I still do have feelings about it.
It is time to move past baby-trying and infertility and fertility and start LIVING. The clinic has dominated our lives since 2013, SIX YEARS. Time to move on!
So here we are. A family of 4. Equal teams of boys and girls, kids and parents ;)
Ready and excited for new adventures in the future.
We'll just keep taking our feelings along for the ride. We've gotten pretty good at it over the past 6 years.
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