Two Is Enough for Other People
In that time between being assured Lindsay was safely on the way and before she was born, I repeated to myself, often, 'Two is enough for other people'.
It seems a bit ridiculous now, but I had to really work on the messaging in my head for many months. It felt like I was addicted to 'trying'. For so many years, I was scheming and praying, and running around 'trying' to have a baby. And once she was on the way, I didn't have to try any more.
Even when Rudi was on the way, and after he was born, and really every moment I knew that if it were up to me, I wanted another kid. I continued scheming. Thus came Lindsay :)
Once Lindsay was safely on the way, I didn't have to scheme any more, and my brain didn't know what to fill in all that energy and time with. So I repeated to myself, over and over: Two is enough for other people. I reassured myself that Rudi and Lindsay would have each other, that we would have equal kid and parent 'teams', that we would do all we could to help them have a close relationship. I reminded myself of all I had put Jake through with my unending drive for kids; trying for a second had come as quite a shock to him - he thought I was as 'done' as he was after one.
I had to find something to focus all the energy I had spent on becoming a parent on something else; turns out, it was a lot of brain power that I had to reallocate! Otherwise I may have pivoted into scheming on how to get baby #3 to join our family!
Towards the end of the pregnancy, the most stressful part for us, it became abundantly clear that EVEN IF we had women lined up around the block to have our children, we would not be able to go through surrogacy again. It is just too much. Too intense and boring at the same time. Too out of our control. The feeling of not having your baby with you is very hard to describe. To have to wait to have her in our house this time was truly excruciating. Way harder than waiting for Rudi. Probably because we knew what we were waiting for this time. I had rage and stress dreams every night for weeks before she was born.
Mostly, what going through surrogacy again made abundantly clear to us is that we needed to move on past this phase of our lives. We had lived mired in the pain and stress of infertility and surrogacy for too long.
Don't get me wrong, surrogacy is beautiful and wonderful and we obviously are grateful to the end of days for our kids and the women who brought them safely earth-side, but for us as parents, it was very difficult to wait for someone else to have our baby.
I meant to write this post before Lindsay was born, when I really was in the thick of convincing myself that two kids would be enough.
Now that she's here, I can say definitively that yes, two kids is enough for us too.
It seems a bit ridiculous now, but I had to really work on the messaging in my head for many months. It felt like I was addicted to 'trying'. For so many years, I was scheming and praying, and running around 'trying' to have a baby. And once she was on the way, I didn't have to try any more.
Even when Rudi was on the way, and after he was born, and really every moment I knew that if it were up to me, I wanted another kid. I continued scheming. Thus came Lindsay :)
Once Lindsay was safely on the way, I didn't have to scheme any more, and my brain didn't know what to fill in all that energy and time with. So I repeated to myself, over and over: Two is enough for other people. I reassured myself that Rudi and Lindsay would have each other, that we would have equal kid and parent 'teams', that we would do all we could to help them have a close relationship. I reminded myself of all I had put Jake through with my unending drive for kids; trying for a second had come as quite a shock to him - he thought I was as 'done' as he was after one.
I had to find something to focus all the energy I had spent on becoming a parent on something else; turns out, it was a lot of brain power that I had to reallocate! Otherwise I may have pivoted into scheming on how to get baby #3 to join our family!
Towards the end of the pregnancy, the most stressful part for us, it became abundantly clear that EVEN IF we had women lined up around the block to have our children, we would not be able to go through surrogacy again. It is just too much. Too intense and boring at the same time. Too out of our control. The feeling of not having your baby with you is very hard to describe. To have to wait to have her in our house this time was truly excruciating. Way harder than waiting for Rudi. Probably because we knew what we were waiting for this time. I had rage and stress dreams every night for weeks before she was born.
Mostly, what going through surrogacy again made abundantly clear to us is that we needed to move on past this phase of our lives. We had lived mired in the pain and stress of infertility and surrogacy for too long.
Don't get me wrong, surrogacy is beautiful and wonderful and we obviously are grateful to the end of days for our kids and the women who brought them safely earth-side, but for us as parents, it was very difficult to wait for someone else to have our baby.
I meant to write this post before Lindsay was born, when I really was in the thick of convincing myself that two kids would be enough.
Now that she's here, I can say definitively that yes, two kids is enough for us too.
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