Corona Diaries Part 4 for the second time

What's that you say? Where was the first one?

Well, it turns out that a pandemic and being a full time parent zaps me of my writing creativity. I wrote a blog post yesterday and it is truly terrible writing. I powered through and wrote on four different subjects, but the writing is stilted and clunky and just plain bad.

So here I am again. I'm not even trying to edit the previous garbage - I'm starting fresh!

Ok. Full time parenthood. I'm having lots of conflicting feelings about this lately. I'm waffling between variations on:

- I'm SO GRATEFUL to have kids during this time. The endless days of working from home would be hell on earth for my infertile self; I'd be so freaking bored.

- I Just. Want. A. Day. On. My. Own. I want to eat when I want, sleep when I want and watch TV as much as I want. Just one day. Where I don't talk to anyone and no one talks to me. Where I don't have to hide in the kitchen while I eat a scoop of ice cream so I don't have to share it with my child. Thank goodness Lindsay is still a baby. One less kid to hide ice cream from.

That second feeling of 'Get me out of here' is new for me. I never felt that way when Rudi was a baby - I felt the opposite. I didn't want to miss a single second of his life because those were seconds I'd never get again. Also because I was very sure he'd be taken from me at any moment; I needed to soak up all the moments to guard against when the moments wouldn't be there any more.

It turns out this is the gift of the second child (although I'm not sure she will see it that way when she realizes how enamored I was with her brother ;)). The gift of normal parenthood. I know it's completely normal to want to get away from your children and house for a bit. It's much less normal to never want to be away from your baby even for a second. I don't go to bed sure that Lindsay won't be there in the morning; Rudi is still here, so Lindsay will be too. Lindsay doesn't sleep on me unless we go for walks and although I wish she would cuddle just a little bit more, I also like the freedom that comes with her napping in her own bed (well, one of her 3 beds. Poor kid without a room; she sleeps all over the house)

I have also learned that toddler life is very different from baby life. Rudi is inquisitive and curious and while he does play by himself at times, and his imagination is developing and getting more complex, he talks ALL DAY and wants to talk TO you. And asks 'why' a million times. 99% of the time this is fun and great and it's a treat to see him learn. But that 1% is piling up, and with no day care breaks, I'm finding it more and more exhausting to be 'on' and responsive all day every day with him.

This morning Jake was able to be flexible with his work (he's working now, in the evening) and told me to take a break. I took Lindsay on a loooong 2h walk and it. was. glorious. I listened to my podcast, my baby was warm and heavy on my chest in that most beautiful way. I walked to the Forks and looked around, saw some ducks, saw some different scenery and just had an altogether wonderful morning. I felt refreshed and happy to see an engage with Rudi when I got home.

I knew I didn't want to be a stay at home parent forever, but I have to say I am a bit surprised to learn just how much I need a break from my toddler (Lindsay gives lots of breaks - babies sleep so much!). I wonder if this is from being an older parent. When I have to be engaged and paying attention to Rudi all day, I don't get to do as many things for me. I'm doing things for him, and feel myself and my needs slipping by the wayside. I don't like that feeling. I want to be able to be present for me, as well as for Jake and Rudi and Lindsay. I'm going to have to make that more of a priority moving forward.

I just went back and re-read my earlier #4 post. It's not that terrible and it also isn't AT ALL about what I just wrote about. So maybe I'll edit that one and it'll become number 5.

Here's the thing: everyone's worlds have been turned upside down to some extent or another. We have been SO LUCKY. We still have jobs. Our house is our sanctuary, we live in a great neighborhood with a closed street that Rudi LOVES to run down. Really, we've paid very little. BUT. Our worlds are different than they were too. And those changes add up. The effect over time is cumulative. Sometimes you only realize how something is affecting you when it gets to a certain point. And here we are at that point.

I hope you and your families are handling your new life lessons ok, with just the right amount of break-downs.

People keep saying this won't last forever, and I know that's true. But it's also hard to know it's true.

Hang in there, friends.