We've taken on a lot, and somehow managed to stay in tact. Living life now as a family of 4!

I got WAY ahead of myself. Once we had found our new surrogate, S, and we managed to line up all the pieces and cross all the T's and dot all the I's, I started thinking of baby names. I started scouring kijiji and facebook for the babystuff we didn't have with Rudi that would really have been handy. I started plotting about how we would fit another kid into our upstairs, which has only 2 bedrooms. Our car was giving us all kinds of grief and it was clear we needed something more reliable so we bought a larger car in the hopes that there would be 2 carseats in it sooner rather than later. We've had 2 failed transfers. After the first one, I was pretty ok. It is not to be expected that EVERY embryo will turn into a baby - that's just not how the math works. We tried again right away. When second one didn't take, I was thrown for more of a loop. I didn't spiral into deep darkness but there was definitely more chocolate and ice cream consumed in the wee...

My relationship with God has changed over the years, as is true for most people, I expect. Life's twists and turns and experiences have given me more nuance, more skepticism, more desire for simplicity and goodness without worrying about the how's and why's. Basically where I've ended up is that I believe in God as Creator. Nothing makes me feel better than being in Creation and I truly believe that all life and the Earth and everything we can see and observe is just too amazing to not have have a Divine aspect. And that's pretty much all I need, in addition to the Golden Rule. I'm distinctly uncomfortable with the idea of a God that intervenes in individual lives. Working with highly vulnerable people does that to you, I think. Why should I expect that if I pray, God will intervene in my life, whereas I KNOW that my little 12,13,14 years olds, who are desperately praying in all the ways they know how for better situations, are stuck dealing with garbage n...

There is a predictable pattern, around this time in the school year, where the adreneline of the beginning of the year has worn off, kids are comfortable and showing their true colours, and the to-do list grows and grows and grows, and teachers get tired. Or at least, this teacher does. I honestly forgot so much about teaching. I forgot how much OTHER stuff there is. Things like: flagging and assessing kids who have fallen through cracks, finding and reading files, keeping the people who are in charge informed of how kids need support, emailing and setting up meetings with parents, finding and building new resources and units and tweaking old ones, talking to other teachers about kids, talking to kids to find out why they are mad/sad/unproductive/anxious and what we are going to do about it. Notice how none of that is actually teaching or marking or even cajoling. I forgot how intense and how much energy CAJOLING takes. Really, teaching is mostly cajoling, I think. Cajoling to get ...

I'm back at work and I have thoughts about it. I don't have a lot of time to think and write so this is pretty 'off the cusp', but it's better than nothing. I love re-reading about my life after the fact (except when I was so depressed, those posts are hard to read), so when there are huge holes that I haven't written something, I am sad. Some thoughts about working: 1. I am SO GRATEFUL Jake is taking this year off. SO GRATEFUL! It is stressful financially but it is AWESOME in every other way. He does the grocery shopping and dishes and cooking AND I leave him and Rudi having breakfast in the morning and come home to them in the park in the afternoon. It's wonderful. Rudi doesn't miss me, per se, as far as I can tell, and loves his dad. We are much more equal parents and it's wonderful. 2. I forgot how much OTHER stuff there is when you're a teacher that doesn't actually have anything to do with teaching: photocopying, arranging your ro...

It's not over yet, but summer is quickly drawing to a close and I have been in my classroom the last two days setting up and getting ready for the coming year. Friends and family keep asking how I feel about it, returning to work. Sometimes feelings aren't particularly helpful, is the thing. I have lots of thoughts I allow to flit through my brain about going back to work, and they do not all get along. Here's a smattering: 1. It's good for Rudi to hear 'Mom's going to work and you're going to stay with dad' 2. I'm SO GRATEFUL that Jake has taken the year off to be home with Rudi. It's MUCH easier to be going to work when Rudi gets to be at home with a parent, even though this is a bit financially stressful. I keep repeating to myself: you can always make more money, you never get more time. I'm very excited for the bond that Rudi and Jake will develop this year 3. Teaching is a bit like riding a bike - sitting at my desk and planni...

My time alone with Rudi is coming to an end. Jake will be done work in 2 weeks and then the three of us will be hanging out having adventures together for the summer before I head back to work in September and Jake and Rudi get to have their time alone together. I tried to explain to Jake how I was feeling about the upcoming transitions in our world. I'm excited for our summer of fun together (and also so grateful that we will always have 2 months off as a family!), and I'm VERY happy that Jake is staying home with Rudi next year - they will have so much fun. I'm also sad about my time alone with Rudi ending. I have loved this year, SO MUCH. It's not that there weren't hard days: there were. But overall, by far and away, when I think back to our fall and winter and spring together, the overwhelming image that pops out to me is the afternoon light streaming through the windows of the sunroom, Rudi asleep on my chest, my head back, basking in the sun. This year ...

I try hard not to swear on this blog, but sometimes, there just isn't a way to express yourself otherwise. The judge rejected our declaration of parentage for Rudi DESPITE THE FACT that we submitted ALL of the following: - our legal agreement (40 pages of legalese that says that Rudi was created for us with the help of Jay and Tara) - An affadavit from Jacob stating that he is the father of Rudi - An affadavit from me saying that I am the mother of Rudi - An affadavit from Jay saying he is not the father of Rudi, that Jake and I are the parents - An affadavit from Tara saying she is not the mother of Rudi, that Jake and I are the parents - the actual declaration of parentage itself - a letter from the fertility clinic stating that the embryo implanted in Tara is the biological material of Jake and I - Rudi's original birth certificate In addition to ALL OF THAT (which represents $1000s in legal fees, by the way) the judge wants to see a copy of the registration of b...