half-baked
I was at a hella-boring PD this afternoon (WHMS - I'll grant that it has its place, and there is A LOT I don't know about chemicals, but considering my science 'experiments' involve at the most sugar, air, and water, I REALLY didn't need to be there), and got to thinking about The Name Thing. As the title implies, I'm sort of writing this off-the-cuff, so bear with me.
People have been asking me whether I'm going to change my name after the wedding. I think mostly they ask as a joke, thinking I'll retort right away with 'Are you kidding?', or at least the asker expects they know my answer (NO!) and want to see me squirm or belt it out.
The thing is, I don't know the answer. At certain points in my life I have had different opinions about it, but now I feel stuck in a grey area. Is this what the 30's are about? Losing the sense of black-and-white/right-and-wrong of your 20's? It sucks!
The only reasonable thing to do in this situation is to create a pros and cons list:
CONS:
1. The pure nitty-gritty. I hate paper-work - avoid it at all costs. I'm a terrible procrastinator. The thought of having to go to ALL those places and stand in line and pay money to change my name is enough right there to avoid it. Plus, I just had to pay to change my address on my driver's licence and PLUS my passport doesn't expire for 3 more years.
2. I have a moral/ethical objection to raising girls with the unconscious or conscious idea that the name they are born with will not be the name they die with (if everything goes according to plan) and that this is ok. Why do we do that? And what message does that send to little girls? The crazy, radical part of me thinks it sends the message that girls only belong to their birth family temporarily, until they 'belong' (and here the word takes some connotations of ownership) to their husband. The slightly less radical (but not by much) part just gets annoyed that it's not fair that boys are raised to know that their name is their name is their name - that is who they ARE, as opposed to who they are FOR NOW. I think girls should get that certainty too! (Addendum: I know at least one couple where the groom took the bride's name.)
3. Identity - If I become Elisabeth Wolfe, will I still be the same person who was Elisabeth B? How could that possibly be true? And how strange is it to know people who were one name and are now another? I always have a hard time referring to newly married women by their new last name - in my head, I'm stuck on the original one. That is how I knew them first, and it is how I understood who they ARE, inside. The flip side of this is, OF COURSE I will change as someone who is committed to another human being for the rest of my life, whether my moniker changes or not.
4. Combing or hyphenating as a compromise or way out is totally out of the question. Wolfe-B sounds like a really scrappy fight, and B-Wolfe is just awkward (and still has the fight thing rolled in). Combining is even worse (we know someone who combined their names and the new last name is AWESOME, for reals!): Either you can have 'Braulfe' - which sounds like someone throwing up, or 'Woaule' which is handy for learning what the vowels are (minus I and sometimes Y), but hard to spell.
5. Jake doesn't want me to change my name. Not in a 'I don't want to share with you' kind of way but more in a 'YOUR name is important, and why would you change it' kind of way.
Ok, so all of that adds up to pretty solid conclusion, eh? All arrows are pointing to 'DON'T DO IT!'
Except:
PROS:
1. There is something wonderful about a family being identified by the same name. You know, the Fransen clan. Or the Epp family. If we have kids, I know I want to have the same name as they do. Jake and I have talked about this, and he has recently said the kids (if, remember) can have my name, but I'm still not satisfied with that. I kind of want us to all (IF!) have the SAME name - to be easily identifiable as a family unit. I've talked to women who don't have the same name as their children or husband, and they have mostly said it isn't a big deal. In day-to-day life, I guess it wouldn't be a big deal. Matching last names won't mean much when it's bed time and everyone is freaking out or when we go camping beside a lake for a few weeks in the summer.
2. Let's face it. 'Wolfe' is a WAY cooler last name than 'B'. At least that's what my grade 8 students tell me.
In conclusion: I still have no idea. I know I won't be in a rush about it. Maybe we'll leave that issue in limbo until/if kids show up.
People have been asking me whether I'm going to change my name after the wedding. I think mostly they ask as a joke, thinking I'll retort right away with 'Are you kidding?', or at least the asker expects they know my answer (NO!) and want to see me squirm or belt it out.
The thing is, I don't know the answer. At certain points in my life I have had different opinions about it, but now I feel stuck in a grey area. Is this what the 30's are about? Losing the sense of black-and-white/right-and-wrong of your 20's? It sucks!
The only reasonable thing to do in this situation is to create a pros and cons list:
CONS:
1. The pure nitty-gritty. I hate paper-work - avoid it at all costs. I'm a terrible procrastinator. The thought of having to go to ALL those places and stand in line and pay money to change my name is enough right there to avoid it. Plus, I just had to pay to change my address on my driver's licence and PLUS my passport doesn't expire for 3 more years.
2. I have a moral/ethical objection to raising girls with the unconscious or conscious idea that the name they are born with will not be the name they die with (if everything goes according to plan) and that this is ok. Why do we do that? And what message does that send to little girls? The crazy, radical part of me thinks it sends the message that girls only belong to their birth family temporarily, until they 'belong' (and here the word takes some connotations of ownership) to their husband. The slightly less radical (but not by much) part just gets annoyed that it's not fair that boys are raised to know that their name is their name is their name - that is who they ARE, as opposed to who they are FOR NOW. I think girls should get that certainty too! (Addendum: I know at least one couple where the groom took the bride's name.)
3. Identity - If I become Elisabeth Wolfe, will I still be the same person who was Elisabeth B? How could that possibly be true? And how strange is it to know people who were one name and are now another? I always have a hard time referring to newly married women by their new last name - in my head, I'm stuck on the original one. That is how I knew them first, and it is how I understood who they ARE, inside. The flip side of this is, OF COURSE I will change as someone who is committed to another human being for the rest of my life, whether my moniker changes or not.
4. Combing or hyphenating as a compromise or way out is totally out of the question. Wolfe-B sounds like a really scrappy fight, and B-Wolfe is just awkward (and still has the fight thing rolled in). Combining is even worse (we know someone who combined their names and the new last name is AWESOME, for reals!): Either you can have 'Braulfe' - which sounds like someone throwing up, or 'Woaule' which is handy for learning what the vowels are (minus I and sometimes Y), but hard to spell.
5. Jake doesn't want me to change my name. Not in a 'I don't want to share with you' kind of way but more in a 'YOUR name is important, and why would you change it' kind of way.
Ok, so all of that adds up to pretty solid conclusion, eh? All arrows are pointing to 'DON'T DO IT!'
Except:
PROS:
1. There is something wonderful about a family being identified by the same name. You know, the Fransen clan. Or the Epp family. If we have kids, I know I want to have the same name as they do. Jake and I have talked about this, and he has recently said the kids (if, remember) can have my name, but I'm still not satisfied with that. I kind of want us to all (IF!) have the SAME name - to be easily identifiable as a family unit. I've talked to women who don't have the same name as their children or husband, and they have mostly said it isn't a big deal. In day-to-day life, I guess it wouldn't be a big deal. Matching last names won't mean much when it's bed time and everyone is freaking out or when we go camping beside a lake for a few weeks in the summer.
2. Let's face it. 'Wolfe' is a WAY cooler last name than 'B'. At least that's what my grade 8 students tell me.
In conclusion: I still have no idea. I know I won't be in a rush about it. Maybe we'll leave that issue in limbo until/if kids show up.
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