We've taken on a lot, and somehow managed to stay in tact. Living life now as a family of 4!

I went grocery shopping yesterday. Costco AND Superstore. Normally, this is not a big deal - just part of the weekly rhythm of life. We often make it a family event, actually. Rudi loves helping put things in the cart and it certainly doesn't hurt that there are free cookies for kids at Superstore. This time felt very different, though. I went alone, during nap time, because Jake was at home. There was a worker spraying disinfectant on the handles of the carts at Costco, and a hand sanitizer station at Superstore. There was tape on the floor in both stores, indicating where and how people should line up to pay. There were sneeze guards protecting the cashiers. There was no toilet paper. I had to really work on myself not to fall into a hoarding mentality. I wanted to buy all the canned and dry goods the store had, but I talked myself down as much as possible. I still spent $500 on stocking up, though, which was a bit shocking. I'm thankful, as ever, that we can afford such a ...

There are lots of things floating around in my brain, asking to be written, but finding the time and the opportunity is proving to be very difficult. I have a moment now: Lindsay is napping in the swing, muffins are in the oven, dishes await, but dishes can wait! You can't go back Many many MANY years ago, before Jake and I were together, but when we worked at the same school, I went to Grade 9 Camp. It rained THE ENTIRE TIME. The kids were fantastic, though, so it was still very fun. One afternoon in particular turned into a riot of laughs when our impromptu ultimate game turned into a true mudbath as we slipped and slid all around the field. We laughed till we cried and had an amazing time. The next day, Jake (yes, he was there too - he's the king of Grade 9 Camp ;)) wanted to recreate the experience - after all it had been a riot! I told him, we can try, but it won't be the same. He did try, but later he told me: you were right. You can't go back, you just have t...

We went to the fertility clinic a few weeks ago for what is (almost 100%) the last time ever. We went to get a letter stating Lindsay was created with our biological embryo and to give permission for our remaining embryos to be used to help teach new lab techs and drs how to do their job to hopefully help others have success at IVF. I have so many feelings about this. First, it was super anti-climatic. I didn't recognize a single staff member when I was there - none of the nurses or drs we knew were there today and they have hired a lot of new staff in the last 2 years. That clinic was the scene of some high highs (Heartbeat ultrasounds!) and some very low lows. I spent so many hours in that waiting room, tears pricking my eyes or numb from the perpetual and compounding pain of infertility. And now we're done. We have TWO kids. TWO more than I ever thought we'd have in May 2016 when our last embryo transfer failed. We are complete and done and ready to move on. But ...

In that time between being assured Lindsay was safely on the way and before she was born, I repeated to myself, often, 'Two is enough for other people'. It seems a bit ridiculous now, but I had to really work on the messaging in my head for many months. It felt like I was addicted to 'trying'. For so many years, I was scheming and praying, and running around 'trying' to have a baby. And once she was on the way, I didn't have to try any more. Even when Rudi was on the way, and after he was born, and really every moment I knew that if it were up to me, I wanted another kid. I continued scheming. Thus came Lindsay :) Once Lindsay was safely on the way, I didn't have to scheme any more, and my brain didn't know what to fill in all that energy and time with. So I repeated to myself, over and over: Two is enough for other people. I reassured myself that Rudi and Lindsay would have each other, that we would have equal kid and parent 'teams', t...

Intro: In case you didn't read, or don't remember, I induced lactation for Rudi as well. It involves taking birth control and domperidone and pumping to get milk flowing before baby is born. It's A LOT of work. Part 1, Written at the beginning of November So here we are, a little over 3 weeks into pumping around the clock for inducing lactation for baby #2. It is very different from Rudi. First, I know more now. I never made much milk with Rudi, so this time I'm taking it more seriously. Being off work helps immensely. I'm pumping around the clock, as I mentioned in my last post and I'm seeing increases in milk! After 1 week I was getting about 45mls a day After 2 weeks I was getting about 90mls a day After 3 weeks I was getting about 120mls a day. It's so encouraging to see the increase, but I have a loooong way to go to a full supply for baby - that's not my goal anyway. My goal is just to see how much I can get, I guess. Once baby is her...

I have at least 5 posts that have been living in my brain for the past year. What they all have in common is that I couldn't put them into words until our baby was home for fear of jinxing her safe arrival. So if I can find the time, prepare for an onslaught of posts that seem somewhat out of order. For now, though, an arrival post. Saying the waiting for our girlie to arrive was easy would be a lie - those last weeks were full of stress and anticipation; I had splitting headaches and rage/stress dreams nightly. I was numb during the day but my body and subconscious knew what was going on. All of that stress and worry evaporated, though, when Lindsay Grace came flying into the world on November 20th, too quickly for Sara to even get in the birth pool, which was where she had wanted to deliver. So let me back up. First, Sara was a sight to behold as she brought Lindsay into this world. She rolled with some unexpected disappointments, she cracked jokes throughout, and she...

I'm off work now, pumping like a maniac and eagerly and stressfully awaiting our girl's birth. A few thoughts about that: At the beginning of the year, it felt cruel to send Rudi to daycare for the whole day, no matter that the daycare he goes to is very loving and he has a great time. He cried about going every morning and our hearts broke. Now, though, I've been home from work for a week and Rudi has gone to daycare every day. I have feelings about it. They are contradictory. First, I feel guilty - I like spending time with Rudi and he prefers to be home. He doesn't cry any more but he does says 'Don't want to go to Ana's today'. Of course, he has a blast when he's there. Second, the pumping schedule for inducing lactation is INTENSE. I'm pumping 9x a day: 3am, 7am, 9am, 11am, 1pm, 3pm, 5pm, 8pm, 10:30pm. And for me, pumping is not a relaxing/do-nothing activity. It is quite literally 'hands on'. Also, one of those I do is 'po...