We've taken on a lot, and somehow managed to stay in tact. Living life now as a family of 4!

 Today was my last day of parental leave, ever. :(  What an amazing incredible time. What a gift it is to have this time. Ever ever grateful to live in a country that makes it possible.  This year (plus) off was very very different than my year with Rudi. Of course it was. I was different. I wasn't so broken to begin with. I had a toddler around most of the time. A second baby is always a different ballgame. There is also a sweetness to what you know will be your last time to care for and bond with a tiny needy ball of human. Lindsay was not an easy baby like Rudi was. She didn't sleep. The first few months of her life are a bit of a blur because I was getting max 4h of sleep in several chunks per night. (I'm up to 6h a night now, but that's my fault, not hers ;)) And then when we emerged from the 4th trimester fog, the world shut down! And irony of ironies: I was mentally healthy enough to want to socialize with other people, which I didn't really want to do when R...

When I wrote this post a week ago, it was already longer than intended and now that I've had more time to think about it, it's going to get even longer. So this is a heads up. It's a long one :)  Another disclaimer: I tried adding photos. A few worked, most didn't. But if I don't just publish this now, I fear I never will ;) ***   Well. This might be my longest break in writing yet. From May to January. Yikers. Anyway, here we are. As one does, I've been reflecting on the year. I meant to write this before the clock struck 12 on Dec 31st, but obviously didn't manage it in favor of naps and playing, and now, only a few days later it seems a bit disingenuous to do a year review. Isn't that strange? I'm doing it anyway. Everyone can agree, 2020 is one for the history books. I really can't imagine how we will talk about this year with our kids - they were so tiny that I can't see it having any lasting impression on them, although Rudi did ask tod...

I still feed Lindsay in the night and that's when I (unfortunately for my sleep patterns) do some of my best thinking. Yesterday in my scrolling I encountered a post someone shared that was written by a police officer frustrated that this cop gave all cops a bad name. He said he would now be called 'racist' just because of his uniform, even though he agrees wholeheartedly that someone who'd kneel on a neck and kill a person should not be in uniform. He sounded aggrieved that he'd be lumped in with the bad apple, so to speak. That struck a chord with me and at 3:30am I was able to articulate it. I'm a white teacher in a prairie city. Over the course of my career I've taught more brown and black kids than white kids. In fact, for the first 6 years of my teaching, I was the ONLY white person in the room most of the time. I've been called racist more times than I can count. Usually when I ask someone to change seats, or stop talking, or some other classroom ...

Honestly, I came home from our camping trip last week totally jazzed to write a love-note about our new tent-trailer. I tried to do a draft of it. I was even going to include pictures. But I can't. I'm just bummed. I'm bummed about Covid cancelling all our travel plans. I'm bummed about being apart from our friends and family. Who knows when we will get to see the ones who live far away again? I'm so deeply bummed about the discrepancy between the way white people and people of colour are treated. How could anyone kneel on another human's neck for 8 minutes, till after he stopped moving? It hurts my soul as a human, and I am not at risk of the same treatment; nor are my children. And only because of the colour of our skin. Life feels heavy this week. And even though I am just thrilled beyond belief about my family and our family tent trailer and the adventures we'll have one day, today I am just bummed.

What's that you say? Where was the first one? Well, it turns out that a pandemic and being a full time parent zaps me of my writing creativity. I wrote a blog post yesterday and it is truly terrible writing. I powered through and wrote on four different subjects, but the writing is stilted and clunky and just plain bad. So here I am again. I'm not even trying to edit the previous garbage - I'm starting fresh! Ok. Full time parenthood. I'm having lots of conflicting feelings about this lately. I'm waffling between variations on: - I'm SO GRATEFUL to have kids during this time. The endless days of working from home would be hell on earth for my infertile self; I'd be so freaking bored. - I Just. Want. A. Day. On. My. Own. I want to eat when I want, sleep when I want and watch TV as much as I want. Just one day. Where I don't talk to anyone and no one talks to me. Where I don't have to hide in the kitchen while I eat a scoop of ice cream so I don't ...

Today is the start of the last year of my thirties. An aging milestone, of sorts, if you believe the society hype about '40'. I've never liked my birthday, really. I never liked getting older for reasons I couldn't always articulate. I'm making peace with it though for a few reasons. First, I have gotten everything I wanted. I am married to a great person and we have tons of fun together. We have TWO CHILDREN, which is still completely mindblowing to me, even as I have to unlatch one to put the other one on the toilet, and make supper with one in the sling and the other on a chair beside me 'helping'. We have jobs we enjoy and are good at and which give us lots of time off to travel and explore. I am content in a way I've rarely experienced before. Second, I'm kind of excited to put my 30's behind me. I know they're not quite over but it was such a rollercoaster. Some great highs, for sure - renovating, getting married, our kids. But ...

I will say this for this time of #stayhome and #quarantine; I have learned some things. I have learned that it actually IS possible to stay inside your house with your 2 small children all day and not lose your mind. I have learned it's possible to stay home all day and have fun. I have learned the value of slowing down with my immediate family. I have learned the value of a little well-timed screen time. I have re-learned and re-emphasized that all of this at-home time goes infinitely better if I do a challenging and vigorous workout in the morning. I have learned how much I take travel for granted. This is a big one and I'm struggling with it more and more as the weather heats up and we wonder what our spring and summer will be like. Like so many people, we had to cancel travel plans. We were suppose to be hitting the road today, heading west, for a family adventure to the west coast, ending in our favourite place of Tofino/Ucluelet. It was a 4 week trip that incl...