We've taken on a lot, and somehow managed to stay in tact. Living life now as a family of 4!

So Santa and Mrs Claus came to our house to visit Rudi! How did we get such a special visit, you might be wondering? Because of surrogacy, obviously! ;) One of the really neat things about being connected to another family the way we are is that there are lots more people who love Rudi and want to be part of his life. 2 of these people are George and Lil, Jay's parents. (Jay, in case you don't remember, is the husband of Tara, who carried Rudi for us) George and Lil are, much like Jay (I guess he got it somewhere ;), very kind and generous people and they have expressed great interest in Rudi and how he has come into the world. In particular, I feel a special kinship with Lil. She was also not able to have her own biological children. She married George and became step-mother to his children. Both of them understand that there are many ways to build a family, and family is not defined only by genetics. Jake and I both feel honored that they want to be part of Rudi's ...

I didn't go for a walk this morning. And it threw off my whole day. Boo urns. I know better. I've made this mistake before! And I've written about it! It doesn't matter if you're tired and don't feel like getting bundled up in the moment. GOT TO GET OUTSIDE!!!!!!!! Rudi's been throwing some curve-balls at night, as 4 month olds tend to do, so my usual strategy of going to bed at 10 to try to get a 4 hour chunk of sleep before he wakes up to eat is no longer fool-proof. Tomorrow we're going outside in the morning FOR SURE. 100 PERCENT. EVEN IF WE ARE UP ALL NIGHT. Now that I've said it to all of you, I have to follow through. That is all. Except Also: I'm sewing Christmas stockings. Relevant: I don't really know how to sew and I'm making it up as I go along. Pictures to follow.

Is it strange that I'm doing way more searching of other people's infertility stories now than before Rudi arrived? I think it is strange, and yet I'm compelled to dig and follow links and read stories of other women who are infertile. I was just looking around the interwebs on this very issue, when it hit me that this is kind of bizarre timing. We found a way to parenthood that circumnavigated my infertility. Why is it now important to me to find stories I identify with? It's possible this had something to do with the webseries on CBC called ' How to Buy a Baby '.  I watched this series a few weeks ago after seeing it advertised on facebook (good old facebook!) and I don't think I've ever been more surprised by something on TV in my life. First, it is so accurate. SOOOOOOOOOO accurate! It made me feel like someone got in my head during this whole infertility/ivf process somehow and recorded what was going on. I have never identified with anything mo...

I've been initiated into one of the rites of motherhood, I think. Maybe it'll help me feel more like a 'mom' ;) My writing has been interpreted in ways I did not intend and caused some people I care about deeply to feel judged. I felt terrible and it got me thinking. (this is hard to write without sounding like an ass! I've started and deleted so many sentences!) The post my friends brought up was the one where I talked about how I can't get enough of Rudi, and how I hold him all the time. When I wrote it, I wasn't trying to send any kind of message to anyone who does things differently, or feels differently about their babies. I was just kind of reveling in my own little cocoon of a world. I believe the sun was shining through the windows of my sunroom, lending me extra endorphins to really drive home my point ;) Since then I've been thinking about how hard it is to talk about experiences without sounding like anyone who does or feels differently...

I find it easier to think of myself as a parent rather than as a mother, per se. Is that strange? I have a few theories on why this is. First, maybe it's because I didn't go through the experience of being pregnant and giving birth to a human. From what people say, this is a transformative event on the parenthood journey. When Rudi was handed to me I didn't feel a shift in my identity. I felt like a hole inside had been filled, but I was still me. Second, I don't have and don't identify with the 'mama bear' mentality that is prevalent in our society. I do feel protective of Rudi, and I do want what's good for him, but I do so with the knowledge of 100s of other kids who don't have what he has. He's off to a great start. We have books in our home (that I sometimes read to him ;)). Jake and I talk to him all day, every day. Jake and I are both educated and have good jobs. Rudi will be fine. I feel much more fiercely protective of my students wh...

Beyond keeping Rudi alive and dry-ish (he drools a lot!), here are some things I do everyday: - Walk Outside, for anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours. This is so crucial, I can't even describe it. On the odd day I don't/can't do this it is never a good day. Now that Rudi is sleeping really well at night, I don't need a nap anymore so we've been going in the morning. Rudi naps while we stroll around our neighborhood. I feel like I've gotten the winter babywearing game figured out. I bought a bunch of things and now I think we can be out in any weather. Except rain. Because I hate rain. But we are through the rainy season! It was -20 here today! - Eat Chocolate: this falls under the 'confession' category, for sure. Some days require more confessing than others. On days where I feel a little unsettled or am struggling or don't get outside, I eat WAY more chocolate. Like, so much I might feel ill. The other day I ate at least a 1/4cup of Nutella, s...

We are having some friends over for supper tonight. It's kind of a funny story of kindred spirits, actually. Last spring break Jake and I invited ourselves along on our friend's trip with her family and her brother and his wife and we had a fantastic time! Turns out we all get along amazingly well, which is a pretty lucky break when you go on holiday for a week together. Jake and I have a lot in common with J and R. They are both teachers, they love the outdoors and camping, they are open and friendly and awesome. They also have been trying to have a baby, including multiple rounds of IVF, without success. I've been looking around the house all day at the baby stuff. We don't have an insane amount of baby things but when you want a baby and don't have one, baby-related items can be almost as heart-breaking as the baby itself. The thing is, I know , deep in my bones, what it feels like to be around a baby when you don't have one and you want one. I know int...

I don't know how to talk about being a parent without also talking about infertility. These two experiences are indelibly linked in my mind, heart, and soul. One doesn't exist without the other. I have a lot to say on that subject so if you stick with me through that, good for you! When Rudi was first born, it took him a few weeks to perk up after birth. I'd try to wake him up to eat, but he would just fall asleep at the boob or bottle again. It got us both frustrated so then I'd let him sleep but he didn't gain any weight for the first 2 weeks of his life and it was a bit awful. In fact at one point he was quite dehydrated and dropped weight. People kept saying things to me like 'soon he'll be sitting and holding his head up' and 'he'll be growing out of those clothes sooner than you'd think' and I'd smile and nod and inside I'd think 'but what if he doesn't?' Eventually I realized that my lack of faith in Rudi...

I have never felt more insecure about anything in my life than I do about my milk production. It's one of those situations where your cognitive and rational brain says all the right things and knows the facts and is very convincing....to everyone except your emotional irrational brain who just has so many FEELINGS about everything and is very loud and persistent in its doubts. When Rudi was about 2 months old my thirst skyrocketed. All of a sudden I needed 4 to 5 liters of water a day and I was still always thirsty. I also had to pee every 20 minutes which is not fun. I thought maybe my milk supply was increasing. This happens to many women who don't have enough right away - it takes a few months and then it's like your body catches up and figures out what's going on. I thought maybe that was happening to me! All of a sudden I started fantasizing about not having to worry about bottles any more! What freedom, to not always worry about whether you've brought enough...

The truth is, it's never enough. I can't get enough of Rudi. That's not to say I don't play around on my phone, or watch tv or do chores while we're at home - all those things happen. But they usually happen with Rudi asleep or nursing or somehow on my body. And it's never enough! Every day I'm so happy and grateful for his existence and excited to see him grow and develop and also a teensy bit sad that every day brings us closer to the day he won't need me any more. Is that insane? I think it's probably insane. I sometimes feel quite frantic about it. Time is already moving too fast and at the same time I just try to soak up all the seconds and focus on being in the moment. This balance between enjoying what is happening now and just living in it with the knowledge that, barring a(nother) miracle, Rudi will be our only child sometimes drives me a bit batty in my head. Not all the way batty, just enough that when people say 'it's ok if yo...

So in my last post, I mentioned that I am nursing Rudi. Lots of people are surprised and amazed by this, and to be honest, so am I. It turns out that all adult women, whether or not they've given birth, can in theory produce breastmilk. Breasts and mammary glands work on a feedback loop: if your body thinks you need milk, it will produce milk! Crazy, hey? Before Rudi was born, I saw my doctor and followed this protocol w hich has been developed to help other moms of babies born via surrogate or adoptive moms who know when their babe is arriving. How it worked for me is: I took the birth control pill straight through (no breaks) from 12 weeks gestation till about 34 weeks gestation to mimic pregnancy. At the same time I was taking domperidone (which sounds like 'Don Perignon', which would be WAY MORE FUN) to stimulate my milk makers into getting ready. At 34 weeks gestation (after one last camping trip!), I quit taking the birth control and started pumping, using a high q...

He's here! I've written a dozen versions or partial versions of this post, including one that didn't save. <frowny face>. That doesn't count all the writing I've done in my head. I am struggling get all the feels into words and not just because I have this whole other being taking up time. I think it's just so much to say. So many moments I don't want to forget and that help inform and conclude the whole journey to Rudi's arrival. I know: lists. That's easier than a narrative! In no particular order: The name: Rudi Zen. Do you know how hard it is for two teachers to come up a name that hasn't been ruined with negative connotations? HARD. Rudi was the name of one of my great-uncles who I really liked. He was my Opa's youngest brother. I have always liked the name and the associations are all positive. I also like the idea of 'family names' that show up in an extended family. 'Zen' is the last three letters of Tara...

I haven't done a lot of writing about the process and details of things, but now I feel like it's important; not so that you all know what we did and didn't do, but so that people know how it works (for us) so that they are informed and can talk about our situation accurately. Also, I would LOVE it if someone reading this stuff became inspired to be a gestational carrier for someone else. That would be AMAZING.  But I'm getting ahead of myself. I was going to structure this as FAQs, but it was boring. So let's just do this conversationally. The official term for M is a gestational carrier; she is not related at all to the embryo/fetus/baby. The embryo that was put in her by the doctor is made up of my egg and J's sperm (why is the word 'sperm' awkward? Makes no sense); it is our biological child. Sometimes I use the word surrogate to refer to M, as this is a word that is a) shorter and b) most people understand more readily than 'gestational c...

I still can't believe that I am sitting here at my computer, typing (yet another) draft of this post. I've been writing it in my head for a long time - over 4 years. Sometimes with potential excitement, other times more as gallows humor, and there have been long dark stretches where I pushed it down and away because I never thought it would get written. But here we finally are. Jake and I are going to be parents. Oh my word, even typing that out loud feels like temping fate, like I'm inviting more grief upon ourselves. But that is the last 4 years of waiting, despairing, praying, hoping, crying and trying talking. We are both re-learning how to be excited and trust this good news.  So how did we get here, you are probably wondering. I am not pregnant, and never will be. We are parents-to-be due to the incredible gift of a dear friend, who is carrying our child for us. I'll do another post with surrogacy FAQs and answers, but for now, let me make a clumsy att...