We've taken on a lot, and somehow managed to stay in tact. Living life now as a family of 4!

I still feed Lindsay in the night and that's when I (unfortunately for my sleep patterns) do some of my best thinking. Yesterday in my scrolling I encountered a post someone shared that was written by a police officer frustrated that this cop gave all cops a bad name. He said he would now be called 'racist' just because of his uniform, even though he agrees wholeheartedly that someone who'd kneel on a neck and kill a person should not be in uniform. He sounded aggrieved that he'd be lumped in with the bad apple, so to speak. That struck a chord with me and at 3:30am I was able to articulate it. I'm a white teacher in a prairie city. Over the course of my career I've taught more brown and black kids than white kids. In fact, for the first 6 years of my teaching, I was the ONLY white person in the room most of the time. I've been called racist more times than I can count. Usually when I ask someone to change seats, or stop talking, or some other classroom ...

Honestly, I came home from our camping trip last week totally jazzed to write a love-note about our new tent-trailer. I tried to do a draft of it. I was even going to include pictures. But I can't. I'm just bummed. I'm bummed about Covid cancelling all our travel plans. I'm bummed about being apart from our friends and family. Who knows when we will get to see the ones who live far away again? I'm so deeply bummed about the discrepancy between the way white people and people of colour are treated. How could anyone kneel on another human's neck for 8 minutes, till after he stopped moving? It hurts my soul as a human, and I am not at risk of the same treatment; nor are my children. And only because of the colour of our skin. Life feels heavy this week. And even though I am just thrilled beyond belief about my family and our family tent trailer and the adventures we'll have one day, today I am just bummed.

What's that you say? Where was the first one? Well, it turns out that a pandemic and being a full time parent zaps me of my writing creativity. I wrote a blog post yesterday and it is truly terrible writing. I powered through and wrote on four different subjects, but the writing is stilted and clunky and just plain bad. So here I am again. I'm not even trying to edit the previous garbage - I'm starting fresh! Ok. Full time parenthood. I'm having lots of conflicting feelings about this lately. I'm waffling between variations on: - I'm SO GRATEFUL to have kids during this time. The endless days of working from home would be hell on earth for my infertile self; I'd be so freaking bored. - I Just. Want. A. Day. On. My. Own. I want to eat when I want, sleep when I want and watch TV as much as I want. Just one day. Where I don't talk to anyone and no one talks to me. Where I don't have to hide in the kitchen while I eat a scoop of ice cream so I don't ...

Today is the start of the last year of my thirties. An aging milestone, of sorts, if you believe the society hype about '40'. I've never liked my birthday, really. I never liked getting older for reasons I couldn't always articulate. I'm making peace with it though for a few reasons. First, I have gotten everything I wanted. I am married to a great person and we have tons of fun together. We have TWO CHILDREN, which is still completely mindblowing to me, even as I have to unlatch one to put the other one on the toilet, and make supper with one in the sling and the other on a chair beside me 'helping'. We have jobs we enjoy and are good at and which give us lots of time off to travel and explore. I am content in a way I've rarely experienced before. Second, I'm kind of excited to put my 30's behind me. I know they're not quite over but it was such a rollercoaster. Some great highs, for sure - renovating, getting married, our kids. But ...

I will say this for this time of #stayhome and #quarantine; I have learned some things. I have learned that it actually IS possible to stay inside your house with your 2 small children all day and not lose your mind. I have learned it's possible to stay home all day and have fun. I have learned the value of slowing down with my immediate family. I have learned the value of a little well-timed screen time. I have re-learned and re-emphasized that all of this at-home time goes infinitely better if I do a challenging and vigorous workout in the morning. I have learned how much I take travel for granted. This is a big one and I'm struggling with it more and more as the weather heats up and we wonder what our spring and summer will be like. Like so many people, we had to cancel travel plans. We were suppose to be hitting the road today, heading west, for a family adventure to the west coast, ending in our favourite place of Tofino/Ucluelet. It was a 4 week trip that incl...

Is it silly to title blog posts about this period this way? Maybe. But for now it seems appropriate. Before I get into this post I feel it's important to acknowledge my absolute privilege: my home is safe, I have money for food, my relationships are safe and secure. It seems crazy that 4 weeks ago we thought nothing of being in close proximity to other people, 3 weeks ago they gave notice they were shutting schools, 2 weeks ago it started to sink in: this is serious, and now even just going for walks around others is distinctly uncomfortable when they pass too close, or the sidewalk is too narrow. How long will it take to feel normal being in a close group again? Our daily habits have changed significantly over the last three weeks and although I and my family have paid very little for this I still struggle with the little voice that says 'how can they change my life so much?' In the next second I remind myself: I'm struggling with freedoms being taken becaus...

I've written drafts of a few posts and had a few more ruminating in my brain, but on week 3 of the pandemic, it feels fake to write and post as if our whole world hadn't been put on pause for the foreseeable future. What odd times we are living in! I feel obligated to write and reflect on what we're doing, or rather, not doing so that one day we can look back and remember what it was like. At the same time, it's almost like there is an absence of what to write - this is the first spring break in 4 years that we haven't gone on a trip, trips the grocery store have changed from being an enjoyable family outing to being a solo mad-dash to simultaneously stock the house without forgetting anything and touch as few things as possible. Now we spend all our time at home. Honestly, not that different from before with two small kids, but small changes make big differences. Rudi isn't going to daycare any more. There are no music or library groups to join. Even walk...

I went grocery shopping yesterday. Costco AND Superstore. Normally, this is not a big deal - just part of the weekly rhythm of life. We often make it a family event, actually. Rudi loves helping put things in the cart and it certainly doesn't hurt that there are free cookies for kids at Superstore. This time felt very different, though. I went alone, during nap time, because Jake was at home. There was a worker spraying disinfectant on the handles of the carts at Costco, and a hand sanitizer station at Superstore. There was tape on the floor in both stores, indicating where and how people should line up to pay. There were sneeze guards protecting the cashiers. There was no toilet paper. I had to really work on myself not to fall into a hoarding mentality. I wanted to buy all the canned and dry goods the store had, but I talked myself down as much as possible. I still spent $500 on stocking up, though, which was a bit shocking. I'm thankful, as ever, that we can afford such a ...

There are lots of things floating around in my brain, asking to be written, but finding the time and the opportunity is proving to be very difficult. I have a moment now: Lindsay is napping in the swing, muffins are in the oven, dishes await, but dishes can wait! You can't go back Many many MANY years ago, before Jake and I were together, but when we worked at the same school, I went to Grade 9 Camp. It rained THE ENTIRE TIME. The kids were fantastic, though, so it was still very fun. One afternoon in particular turned into a riot of laughs when our impromptu ultimate game turned into a true mudbath as we slipped and slid all around the field. We laughed till we cried and had an amazing time. The next day, Jake (yes, he was there too - he's the king of Grade 9 Camp ;)) wanted to recreate the experience - after all it had been a riot! I told him, we can try, but it won't be the same. He did try, but later he told me: you were right. You can't go back, you just have t...

We went to the fertility clinic a few weeks ago for what is (almost 100%) the last time ever. We went to get a letter stating Lindsay was created with our biological embryo and to give permission for our remaining embryos to be used to help teach new lab techs and drs how to do their job to hopefully help others have success at IVF. I have so many feelings about this. First, it was super anti-climatic. I didn't recognize a single staff member when I was there - none of the nurses or drs we knew were there today and they have hired a lot of new staff in the last 2 years. That clinic was the scene of some high highs (Heartbeat ultrasounds!) and some very low lows. I spent so many hours in that waiting room, tears pricking my eyes or numb from the perpetual and compounding pain of infertility. And now we're done. We have TWO kids. TWO more than I ever thought we'd have in May 2016 when our last embryo transfer failed. We are complete and done and ready to move on. But ...

In that time between being assured Lindsay was safely on the way and before she was born, I repeated to myself, often, 'Two is enough for other people'. It seems a bit ridiculous now, but I had to really work on the messaging in my head for many months. It felt like I was addicted to 'trying'. For so many years, I was scheming and praying, and running around 'trying' to have a baby. And once she was on the way, I didn't have to try any more. Even when Rudi was on the way, and after he was born, and really every moment I knew that if it were up to me, I wanted another kid. I continued scheming. Thus came Lindsay :) Once Lindsay was safely on the way, I didn't have to scheme any more, and my brain didn't know what to fill in all that energy and time with. So I repeated to myself, over and over: Two is enough for other people. I reassured myself that Rudi and Lindsay would have each other, that we would have equal kid and parent 'teams', t...

Intro: In case you didn't read, or don't remember, I induced lactation for Rudi as well. It involves taking birth control and domperidone and pumping to get milk flowing before baby is born. It's A LOT of work. Part 1, Written at the beginning of November So here we are, a little over 3 weeks into pumping around the clock for inducing lactation for baby #2. It is very different from Rudi. First, I know more now. I never made much milk with Rudi, so this time I'm taking it more seriously. Being off work helps immensely. I'm pumping around the clock, as I mentioned in my last post and I'm seeing increases in milk! After 1 week I was getting about 45mls a day After 2 weeks I was getting about 90mls a day After 3 weeks I was getting about 120mls a day. It's so encouraging to see the increase, but I have a loooong way to go to a full supply for baby - that's not my goal anyway. My goal is just to see how much I can get, I guess. Once baby is her...

I have at least 5 posts that have been living in my brain for the past year. What they all have in common is that I couldn't put them into words until our baby was home for fear of jinxing her safe arrival. So if I can find the time, prepare for an onslaught of posts that seem somewhat out of order. For now, though, an arrival post. Saying the waiting for our girlie to arrive was easy would be a lie - those last weeks were full of stress and anticipation; I had splitting headaches and rage/stress dreams nightly. I was numb during the day but my body and subconscious knew what was going on. All of that stress and worry evaporated, though, when Lindsay Grace came flying into the world on November 20th, too quickly for Sara to even get in the birth pool, which was where she had wanted to deliver. So let me back up. First, Sara was a sight to behold as she brought Lindsay into this world. She rolled with some unexpected disappointments, she cracked jokes throughout, and she...